DEAR JANE: I had a horrifying encounter with my cousin at a spa – how can I ever face him again?

Dear Jane,

This is extremely uncomfortable to even write about, but I desperately hope you can help me through this situation I’m dealing with.

Over the holidays, my cousin, who is a professional masseuse, gifted myself and several members of our family gift certificates to the spa where he works for us to use as we see fit. To be honest, I kind of forgot about mine until recently, when a day of moving boxes in our garage left me feeling more than a little stiff and sore.

My husband reminded me of the voucher and I literally raced (well, crawled) to book a massage. But when I got to the spa, the woman at the front desk told me that there had been a mix-up and that the only person available to do my massage was… my cousin.

Desperate for something to ease the pain, I agreed to let him work on my back even though it felt a little uncomfortable, and in the end the massage was amazing – my cousin was the ultimate professional.

Then I spent a few hours enjoying the sauna and pool in the spa, the perfect way to relax. Clearly I had overstayed my welcome because by the time I got back to the changing rooms, pretty much everyone was gone.

That’s no doubt why, when I walked into the dressing room and caught my married cousin in an… intimate situation with his receptionist, they both seemed quite shocked to see me.

They both immediately started making excuses – “it’s the first time,” “this has never happened before,” etc. etc. – before taking it out of there to give me a chance to change.

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When I got home, I had about sixteen missed calls from my cousin, all of which I ignored. It’s been about a week now and he keeps messaging and calling me, begging me not to tell his wife, insisting there’s nothing wrong. Every excuse under the sun.

I have no idea what to do here. I love my cousin’s wife and they have children together… I don’t want to betray him, but I also can’t bear the thought of her being clueless anymore.

Whose trust am I destroying?

By,

Serious tension

Dear Serious Tension,

It’s a terrible thing to have stumbled upon a secret that now makes you complicit in someone else’s infidelity.

The weight of secrets can indeed be heavy and will always get in the way of true friendships, even if they involve cousins.

The messenger gets shot, and usually will.

I hate to say that because when you have a strong ethical core and know that someone you love is being betrayed, you want to do the right thing and tell them.

Why do we tell them? We want to protect them, we want to keep them from getting hurt, and yet here we are, telling them the one thing that could ruin their lives.

You can’t force your cousin to tell her either.

I don’t think you should do anything, because the behavior of others is actually none of our business. We’ll never know the full story, and maybe your cousin’s version is true: that it had never happened before.

Anyway, I’m not sure if it has anything to do with you, as hard as it is to keep quiet.

But whatever you decide to do, I encourage you to remember the following words: make the choice that will cause the least harm to everyone involved.