DEAR JANE: I gave my husband a ‘hall pass’… but then he slept with the one person I wish he hadn’t

Dear Jane,

I am 35 years old and have been happily married to my husband for five years.

An active sex life has always been important to us, but unfortunately I was diagnosed with cervical cancer earlier this year and the radiation therapy I underwent left us unable to sleep together for almost two months.

My husband has been nothing but supportive. He is my rock.

And so, because I know how important sex is to him, I gave him a “hall pass,” which means I told him that he could sleep with someone else during this difficult time if he really wanted to.

I expected him to choose an old flame, a girl from a dating app, or maybe a co-worker.

But no. My husband decided to sleep with my best friend!

We’ve been close since grade school, although we’ve drifted a bit lately.

I have a full-time job and a husband; my boyfriend is still single and bouncing from job to job. I always felt like she was a little jealous of me, but I never thought she would do this.

As my husband tells it, they met at a bar with separate groups and started talking.

He says he “jokingly” told my friend that I gave him a hall pass and she “jokingly” suggested he use it on her. Then, after drinking too much, they went home together.

The next day he calmly told me that he had used his hall pass and casually mentioned her name – as if it was no big deal.

I’m desperate. He could have had sex with anyone! Why did he choose someone I’ve known almost all my life?

My husband says it will never happen again and naively claims it won’t be weird between the three of us. But I don’t know if I can get over it.

Technically, yes, I told him he could cheat, but I didn’t think for a second that he would do it with her.

Do I have the right to be angry? And what about my girlfriend – how could she do it?

How can I move on with these two people in my life knowing what they did together?

By,

Ultimate betrayal

Dear Ultimate Betrayal,

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with cervical cancer, and I’m even more sorry you found yourself in this situation.

You have every right to be angry. Two months isn’t a long time to go without sex. Yet you kindly and confidently offered him a ‘hall pass’, assuming he wouldn’t choose someone close to you.

If he chooses your best friend, it’s a huge betrayal – by both of them.

So yes. Be angry for now. But ultimately you will have to figure out whether or not this betrayal can be forgiven.

Honestly, I think you made a mistake by not setting a clear boundary. I’m also wondering if you thought it was right to grant your husband the “hall pass” in the first place. Why did you put his needs above your own?

Having experienced a dance with cancer myself, I know how important it is to have the full support of your partner. So I think it would be helpful for you to reflect: think about what you offered, what you expected to happen, and why his needs seemed more important than yours in the midst of a health crisis.

As for your best friend, friendship should be about raising each other up, being there for each other, and catching the other when they fall.

If she really was your best friend, she would have walked the other way after they met at that bar and joked about the “hall pass.”

If she was tempted and really believed that you were okay with her sleeping with your husband, she should have talked to you about it first.

I think the best solution here is to have an open conversation with both of them, separately, about what made them think what they were doing was okay. Tell them honestly how that made you feel.

There are many different ways to have healthy relationships, and today, traditional monogamy is often giving way to things like “ethical non-monogamy,” where both partners have multiple outside romantic or sexual relationships with the knowledge and consent of all parties involved.

But what happened here is not a healthy dynamic, and I urge you and your husband to seek professional help to talk about how to move forward.

If you do both If you want to explore non-monogamous options, do so in a way that provides comfort and safety, with much clearer boundaries and rules.

Dear Jane,

I’ve had an on and off girlfriend for a little over two years. I love her so much and she is beautiful. But we lack a spark and rarely have sex.

I’ve tried to work on our intimacy, but whenever I talk to her about these things, she seems to take it as a personal attack.

Unfortunately, I don’t know exactly what I want in the bedroom, but I do enjoy the allure of some could to happen.

My girlfriend grew up in a very conservative family and doesn’t have much sexual experience. I have many more.

We briefly broke up at the beginning of this year. Within weeks I had met someone else and we had great sexual chemistry – and got along quite well.

But the truth is, we didn’t get along nearly as well as my girlfriend and I did – and that’s why I’ve since rekindled our relationship.

To complicate matters, I recently got a promotion at work and have to move. My girlfriend has decided she won’t come with me because we are not a married couple.

The point is, I’d like to ask her to marry me so we can stay together. But I feel like I can’t do it without exploring our sexual chemistry first.

Meanwhile, the girl I dated during our breakup has now reached out and wants to try again. I can’t help but think about it.

I think it’s a good problem to have, but honestly it’s torture.

I don’t want to lose my girlfriend, but I also don’t want to be with her if we don’t have sex.

By,

Plenty of choice

Best spoiled choice,

Chemistry is a wonderful thing in a relationship, but it’s not the only important thing – and it’s certainly not enough on its own to sustain a healthy, long-lasting bond.

Chemistry doesn’t have to be just sexual; it can be emotional, mental and often spiritual.

The initial spark must be ignited by good communication, kindness, and putting each other’s needs before our own.

Most relationships run into problems when there is a lack of communication.

In your case, the inability to discuss your sexual needs causes resentment.

It sounds like there is a strong foundation with your current girlfriend that could sustain a happy, long relationship. But you both have to be willing to trust each other and do the work.

And here’s the thing: all of this needs to be worked out before you even think about marriage.

If your girlfriend is unwilling to talk about sex, while possibly also using emotional blackmail to get you to marry her, then I’m afraid your best bet is to move on and start over as a newly single man.