DEAR JANE: I found out my unborn baby is disabled – now I’m desperate to give it up for ADOPTION

Dear Jane,

A few months ago I found out I was pregnant. The news came as a huge shock: my boyfriend and I had taken every precaution and hadn’t even discussed whether we wanted a family, let alone whether we were ready to try for one at that point.

After I found out about the pregnancy, we weighed our options, and after much searching and many stressful discussions, we decided to keep the baby.

My boyfriend told me he always wanted to be a father and promised that we could get through even the toughest times together. I was worried, I really didn’t think I was ready, but he seemed so confident that I just went with him.

But then, at one of our most recent scans, the doctor sat us both down and said that our prenatal screening tests had revealed some ‘abnormalities’ in our baby’s cells. The doctor said that our baby most likely has Down syndrome and that we need to prepare for what that means for both of us as parents.

To be honest, I didn’t know what to say or think. All that flashed before my eyes were images of doctor visits and medical tests… images that were a far cry from the rosy picture of parenthood my friend had painted.

It’s been a few weeks now since we got the news, and I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I’ve thought about it over and over in my head, and all I can think is, “I can’t do this.” I’ve tried to tell my boyfriend how I feel, but all he does is try to reassure me, telling me that we can handle anything when we’re together.

Well, I can’t handle it. I don’t want to deal with it. As selfish as it sounds, I’m not cut out for this. And I think my baby will have a much better start in life with someone else.

I started looking into adoption and think this is the best course for me at the moment. I don’t want the life that is in front of me now. I feel like a terrible person, but I know I will feel much worse if I have a child I know I don’t want.

How can I possibly explain that to my boyfriend without breaking his heart?

By,

Pregnant and scared

Dear pregnant and anxious,

I understand how overwhelming and scary it is to have an unexpected and unplanned pregnancy, and to do so without the added complication of possible Down Syndrome.

Your hormones go haywire and you’re faced with the kinds of choices you can’t prepare for, that you haven’t planned for, and that you clearly don’t want.

I can’t tell you what to do, but I can tell you to slow down and take a few deep breaths because it seems like you’re making some assumptions about what it’s like to have a child with to raise Down syndrome without any information.

Before you make any decisions, I recommend finding support groups for parents of children with Down syndrome, talking to parents who have been through this, and getting a clearer picture of what it’s like.

Right now you’re in a state of panic, which is never where you want to be when you’re making a monumental decision like this.

One of our dear friends gave birth to a baby with Down syndrome many years ago. She was advised to take the baby home for a month and then take him back to the hospital, which would place him in an institution. When the month was up, she didn’t take him back.

Her son is now in his fifties, an athlete who works and has a full and happy social life, making every life he touches just a little bit better.

That doesn’t mean you should make the same choice, just that you should educate yourself and perhaps spend time with the baby before making any final decisions.

Dear Jane,

My husband and I have been married for 13 years. We’ve had our ups and downs, but for the most part I feel like we’ve been happy. He doesn’t drink, he doesn’t go out with ‘the boys’, he doesn’t hit me, he cleans, he cooks, he’s funny and he’s the most wonderful father to our daughter.

He is the only man who could and still can make me laugh out loud. I love him dearly and deeply.

But the thing is, my husband suffers from Tourette’s disease, OCD, adult ADD, and he has schizoaffective disorder. When we argue, things can be a little difficult. He swears and can say some pretty ugly things. It has no filter at all and is insensitive.

He’s not exactly ‘lovey dovey’ either. He doesn’t hold my hand, put an arm around me, or kiss me more than once or twice a week. We don’t have much of a sex life either. However, that is also something I have learned to accept.

However, during our last fight, he said something that’s hard for me to get over. We had an argument about me being in a cranky mood during our morning routine of getting our daughter ready for school. He was angry that I wasn’t happy, even though I explained to him that he needs to understand that I have emotions other than ‘happy’. He tends to put on a mask to hide his other emotions, but I can’t.

On this occasion he told me that he had once left a girl he loved – ‘maybe more than I ever loved you’ – because she ‘wasn’t happy’ like me, and suggested that if I didn’t , If he doesn’t stop being ‘unhappy’, he will leave me too.

He’s told me horrible things before, but that one really stung me. After the fight he tried to get me to talk to him but I couldn’t stop crying and I stopped. I repeated his words and couldn’t let them go. I know he was miserable afterward. He spoke kindly to me and we did what we usually do: move on.

He still hasn’t apologized and I don’t know what to do at this point. I know we all have a past, and past loves, but he really hurt me. I was engaged once before him, had the dress and half of the wedding planned before it ended.

However, I still don’t feel like I have ever loved someone more, for me he is truly the love of my life. When I hear him say “more than I’ve ever loved you,” I’m devastated.

We’re both strong people, but I’m having a really hard time getting over this. Please help. I didn’t think I would ever leave, but I feel defeated. I’m ready to throw in the towel.

By,

Woman in struggle

Dear woman in conflict,

It sounds like you’ve done a great job of accepting your husband for who he is, rather than resenting him because he has a number of syndromes that combine to create a kind of neurodivergence that can be very difficult to live with, not in the latter because there is open, clear communication. is often not easy.

Whether we are neurodivergent or not, arguments often arise when we say things we don’t mean or necessarily believe, trying to hurt our partner while hurting ourselves. Lashing out is cruel and painful because – as you discover – once things are said, they cannot be left unsaid.

However, the hurtful things said during a fight are rarely the whole truth.

Your husband has already tried to talk to you, but your own self-protection mechanism was disabled, which is not uncommon when arguments and words said during arguments bring up old traumas.

Continuing without discussing this will only lead to a deeper wound next time.

In order for your marriage to survive, the two of you need to have a calm conversation in which you tell him exactly how you felt when he said those words, and how you can do things differently in the future, which includes agreeing not to doing. say something deliberately hurtful.

If he doesn’t understand why that hurts you, you need to help him see it from your point of view. I wish you good luck.