DEAR JANE: I found my mother’s OnlyFans account! Do I confront her – or give her the money she clearly needs?

Dear Jane,

I have discovered something very disturbing and I don’t know what to do.

When my boyfriend sent me a link to an OnlyFans profile that said “is this your mom?” I thought he was joking.

I expected a joke, so I clicked on the link and to my horror I saw photos of my 60-year-old mother, completely naked.

I slammed my laptop shut and screamed, rubbing my eyes. But I couldn’t get the images out of my head.

Half thinking I’d made a mistake, I opened the screen again – and there she was, posing suggestively, with the ad: ‘Subscribe for more.’

I stared into space in horror. How could be Would my mother present herself as a nude model online?

My mind started racing. How many people had seen the profile? Did my siblings know, or aunts and uncles?

How did my mom even know about OnlyFans – and where did she learn to pose like that?

My father left my mother two years ago after 30 years of marriage. She was devastated and moved out of our childhood home into a small one bedroom apartment.

She started out as a receptionist at the local dentist’s office, but I know my father took most of the money in the divorce. It’s been a tough time for her.

Is she doing it for the money?

According to her profile, she charges $4 per month and only has 50 subscribers, so she can’t make much.

She’s always been a very quiet, unassuming woman and I’m just absolutely shocked that she would choose to expose herself like this, especially since we live in such a small, close-knit rural community.

It’s been a week since I found out and my friend, who monitors the account but promises not to tell anyone, says she’s posted twice since then.

I have no idea what to do. Should I confront her and tell her to stop?

Or should I find a way to give her money – without explanation – and hope she will give it up on her own?

Yours,

Disturbed and angry

Dear Concerned and Angry,

It can be a real shock, as you will discover, to realize that your parents are not just parents, but people in their own right – and that they don’t always make decisions that you don’t think are wise.

I totally understand how you feel. Discovering something sexual about a parent can be confusing, especially in your case when it plays out in the public arena.

But as hard as this is to hear, it is up to your mother to make her own choices.

And while you absolutely have the right to feel this way, you do not have the right to tell her what to do.

To improve your relationship, it might be wise to let her know that you are aware of what is going on.

As you point out, her unusual side job may not be about money.

For example, it could be about empowerment. She could realize that at 60, this is a way to feel good about her naked body.

None of us know Why She does – and so do you, unless and until you are willing to talk to your mother.

I would advise showing a little curiosity and leaving your judgment at home if you want to hear the truth.

Remember, when you start a conversation, you shouldn’t try to influence your mother’s choices or change her mind.

It would be terrible if this got in the way of your relationship.

Try to accept that loving the people around us, especially our family, does not mean that we only love them when they behave the way we want them to.

We love them unconditionally, and if we feel uncomfortable with their behavior, we talk to them about it and tell them how their behavior makes us feel.

Dear Jane,

I have always lived by the motto ‘be honest in everything you do’.

But now I’m faced with a dilemma that makes me wonder whether honesty is the best policy.

See, I became friends with an older woman in my apartment building about a year ago, she’s retired and lives alone.

Slowly but surely she tells about the many setbacks she has experienced in her life.

The poor woman was abused by her partner for years, and even suffered the loss of an unborn child.

I feel sorry for her.

I’m starting to see signs of cognitive decline. And her life is also getting harder physically: she has shaking hands and a bad back.

Recently she asked me to go with her to the supermarket and I happily accepted.

But I start to notice something strange. As we walk along the shelves, she’s collecting piles of food that are way over her retirement budget—and clearly more than she needs to feed one person.

Inevitably, when we get to the checkout, her card is declined. She looks shocked and upset, and responds by rummaging through her purse. But the few cents she scrapes together aren’t nearly enough to pay the hundreds of dollars.

When this happens, the onlooking customers – complete strangers – have donated generously, some offering to pay the entire amount.

Of course I have tried to stop them and more than once I have paid the costs myself.

But there is clearly a problem, and it is much worse than the confusion of the past.

Because I’ve also seen my girlfriend stuff expensive groceries like smoked salmon, fine cheeses, and avocados into her reusable shopping bags before she even got to the checkout.

And I’ve noticed that she goes even further: she secretly tries to steal things from my bags.

At first I didn’t even realize it. She is clearly trained and acts so quickly.

But now I don’t doubt it anymore. I have lost all trust in my so called ‘girlfriend’ and I don’t want to be with her anymore.

At the same time, I feel guilty for neglecting such a lonely woman.

She has a daughter, a wealthy professional who could easily support her mother, which makes the whole stealing thing even more insulting. But the daughter hardly ever seems to visit.

We greatly appreciate your professional advice.

By,

Unwilling Accomplice

Dear Unwilling Accomplice,

Although some parts of this letter sound like the beginning of a great movie, I can imagine the dilemma you are in.

Leaving aside the fact that she’s old, has been in an abusive relationship, and is clearly suffering from cognitive decline, I suspect you wouldn’t accept such behavior from a friend your age.

But maybe there’s a way not to shut her off completely.

Maybe you can sit down with her and be very clear. Tell her what you saw in the supermarket and that you will no longer participate.

Instead, you could have tea with her once a week and listen to the stories she tells you.

You have every right to be direct and tell her that if something like that happens to you again, your friendship is over.