DEAR JANE: I fell head over heels in love with a man I met online – but when we met in person for the first time I was HORRIFIED

Dear Jane,

I recently met a man online and fell deeply in love. I never believed that people could fall in love online, that they could form such a strong bond without actually meeting in person… until it happened to me.

It happened quite by chance; a friend set up a dating profile for me after we had a few drinks one night, declaring that it was time for me to move on from my most recent breakup and find someone new.

We spent a giggly few hours looking through all the profiles there, laughing at the cringe-worthy come-ons and awkwardly posed photos. But then we came across a man who really caught my attention.

He was personable, his answers to those pointless prompts they gave you seemed completely sincere and very witty, and I didn’t get the same “ick” that I had experienced with every other profile I had seen.

So I reached out on a whim, without really expecting to hear back.

But when I heard back, I did – and it wasn’t long before I started feeling real chemistry with this man. We moved our chat from the app to SMS and from there we even made a few phone calls. Every time we spoke, I fell a little harder.

I wasn’t foolish enough to think he wouldn’t have flaws – we all do – but there was something about him that just made the whole scenario feel different. It felt natural, it felt easy, and that was really all I was looking for.

When we first met online, he lived about three hours away from me, but he was already making plans to move to the city where I live. So I thought we’d take it slow, see if the connection was really there, and by the time he moved, we’d know if this was something we wanted to take to the next level with actual dates.

Finally, after four months of talking almost every day, we scheduled our first official meeting. We went for coffee and wandered around, seeing where the day took us.

I felt all the emotions: nervous, excited, dizzy, panicked… there was a lot going on! But when I got to the coffee shop, I was happy to see him standing there, every inch the man I had come to know and, well, love.

But after we grabbed our coffee, he sat me down and said he had something to tell me. Alarm bells immediately went off. It was then that he revealed that he was a double amputee, who had both legs amputated when he was a child. I was absolutely stunned. It felt like the ocean started pounding against my ears and I went completely deaf as he continued to explain, even lifting his pants to show me his prosthetic legs.

Stupidly enough, I actually burst into tears. Not, I must emphasize, because the idea of ​​being with an amputee was somehow repulsive to me, although I must admit it was an idea I had never really thought about, but more because I really felt I wish I had known. this person. That he had been completely honest with me and had held nothing back. I know I wouldn’t have done that!

It’s not the truth behind the lie that makes me feel sick here, it’s the fact that he lied in the first place. Or hid the truth, or whatever you want to call it. It has destroyed virtually every bit of trust built up during those four months of talking, and now I find myself frantically analyzing all our conversations and poking holes in everything he has said.

I know that deep down he is still the man I fell for. But this lie feels like it poisoned everything we had.

Am I stupid for feeling this way?

By,

Bitter truth

Dear Bitter Truth,

There is no simple answer to this.

I feel compassion for you, and how you feel about what you consider a betrayal, and compassion for him, because he can’t tell you he’s an amputee.

The point is that this is not a lie, but rather an omission of the entire truth. The fact that he didn’t tell you from the start tells me that he has had bad experiences with women in the past once he told them, or that he is ashamed of being an amputee.

I suspect it’s more likely fear of how women will react when he tells them, and honestly, even though it’s obviously something that should have been revealed to you in the beginning, and you could say, that too should have been revealed to you, breaks my heart. a bit about how hard this must be for him, and how he might have been rejected in the past.

I urge you to talk to him about this and why he hasn’t told you. I imagine that once you discover the reasons behind his negligence, you may experience more compassion and empathy; You might understand exactly why he kept this from you.

I don’t see this as a betrayal, but rather as a man dealing with difficult circumstances and who has felt shame before. It only poisons a relationship if you let it.

Finally, I would like to give you a little warning if you think you have fallen in love with someone you only knew on the phone. Phone calls and Zoom chats aren’t real. Loving someone requires time, patience, building trust and connection in real life.

I hope you can work it out together and wish you the best.

Dear Jane,

My marriage has fallen apart due to the shocking behavior of my in-laws and I don’t know how to move forward in my life with them.

This all started when I was pregnant with my daughter, who is now four, and my husband and I decided to move in with his parents – with the strict understanding that it was a temporary situation and that we should still be able to come home. and go as we wished, terms to which they were happy to agree.

During the pregnancy, his mother kept making snide comments about everything I did; According to her I couldn’t do anything right. I wasn’t eating enough “healthy” foods, I wasn’t doing the right prenatal exercises, I wasn’t doing enough to encourage my baby’s development… the list goes on.

The only thing worse about her behavior was that my husband completely took her side.

After my daughter was born, I struggled with postpartum depression. But instead of helping me take care of my child, my in-laws saw it as an opportunity to badmouth me to my husband.

They told him that I wasn’t doing my best with our baby, that I was using my depression as an “excuse” to be lazy, and that it wasn’t fair of me to dump everything in his lap, despite the fact that I did everything I could to share the load, while also trying to avoid falling apart.

Eventually it became too much for me and our marriage fell apart. I am now happy to say that I live in my own home, with my daughter by my side. But my husband still lives with his parents, and our custody arrangement still requires me to see them once a week.

And every time I do, I’m filled with anger and sadness – and I can tell this is starting to rub off on my daughter.

Of course, I would much prefer if she didn’t have to spend time with them at all, but she does. I cannot stop her from seeing her father, nor can I demand that he live apart from his parents. But every time we go to their house, she starts crying and screaming – and my husband accuses me of purposefully poisoning her against him.

How can I resolve these feelings so that I don’t spread my anger on my innocent child?

By,

Simmering anger

Dear Simmering Rage,

As painful as it is to break up a family, I wholeheartedly acknowledge you for moving on.

As wonderful as your husband may have been, the fact that his parents are still so involved in his life, that your first destination was to move in with them, and that, as an adult man, he now chooses to live with them to move in tells me that there are some serious entanglement/co-dependency issues going on between your (now ex-) husband and his parents, and it would be wise to remove yourself.

That unhealthy entanglement prevented him from standing up to his parents, from setting appropriate boundaries to make it clear that you are now the most important woman in his life, and from letting them know that his family – him, you and the baby – is sacred. It’s not their place to say anything about it.

First of all, I see no reason why you need to see his parents during the custody exchange.

Have your husband come to the car to pick up your daughter, or insist on meeting somewhere else. I know how painful it is to feel that your in-laws were the cause of your breakup, and until healing begins, I think it is best for you to restructure the custody situation so that you don’t have to see them anymore.

But you do have to deal with your anger and sadness. It is not appropriate for your daughter to witness this.

As much as you hate your husband’s parents, they are your daughter’s grandparents and I urge you to learn to process your feelings about them away from your daughter.

Find a good therapist, locally or online, and start healing this pain. I wish you the best.