DEAR JANE: I fear my female friends secretly HATE me because of these subtle things they all do
Dear Jane,
I am part of a very close group of girls. We’ve been friends since school and all moved back to our hometown after college.
We meet several times a week for dinner, drinks or movie nights and there is a group chat where we share our daily updates.
But recently it all changed – since I made things official with the guy I’ve been dating for a few months.
Granted, I’ve missed a few hangouts to spend time with my boyfriend, but I definitely don’t feel like I’m neglecting them.
But now, every time I see the others, it doesn’t feel right.
It seems they’ve developed inside jokes that go over my head but leave them in fits of giggles. I’m also pretty sure they hang out without inviting me and then deliberately hide any evidence from their social media.
Recently one of the girls posted a photo of everyone at a dinner party, but when I came back to check five minutes later it had been deleted!
I’m afraid my friends secretly hate me because of these subtle things they all do
It feels like my old friends hate me, that they’re trying to shut me out and I don’t know why.
Are they jealous of my new boyfriend? After all, this is the first time any of us have had a serious partner.
But I really miss spending time with them – and I don’t know how to fix this because we haven’t even had an argument.
By,
Forgotten friend
International bestselling author Jane Green provides sage advice on readers’ most burning issues in her column about Aunt’s agony
Dear forgotten friend,
What you discover is the inevitability that friendships change as you navigate the excitement of a new and serious relationship.
There’s nothing more awesome than a girl group, especially when you’ve known each other for so long.
A close group of friends can feel like a substitute family. They are there to celebrate your highs, and to support and comfort you through the lows.
When everyone is single, it’s easy to become extremely dependent on each other. But things always change when people start finding partners.
You’ve missed some meeting places, and they may feel a little let down by you, just as you feel a little let down by them.
I honestly don’t think they ‘hate’ you or are deliberately trying to exclude you. But I do think that communicating your feelings is essential to maintaining this friendship.
Sit down with them and tell them how important they are to you. Express your pain at not being invited to certain activities. Tell them that even though you may have to leave them occasionally to spend time with your friend, this in no way diminishes your commitment to the group.
Then you have to detach yourself from the result. Hopefully they will appreciate you being honest and things will get back to normal. But chances are they feel like you chose your friend over their friendship.
We have no control over what people think and how they treat us. Talking to them honestly and vulnerably can be very scary, but it is the only way to get your needs met. And if they can’t meet your needs, if they decide to keep excluding you, you have to let them go.
Dear Jane,
My mom and dad divorced a few months ago and she just moved from Florida to New York City, where I live, to get some distance from my dad.
I hadn’t seen her in almost a year because we were both busy, so I was shocked when she came to my apartment with a completely different face.
She must have had $100,000 worth of (bad) plastic surgery.
Worse still, she acts 20 years younger than her age, wears short skirts and dresses and goes with me and my friends to trendy bars (where she is the oldest in the room).
She also goes on dates with much younger men she met through apps.
But the straw that broke the camel’s back was when I introduced her to the guy I’d been dating for the past few months. To my horror, she was all over him during dinner – so flirty and giggly. It made me feel sick.
When she and I were alone, she had the nerve to tell me that my boyfriend was too good for me and would suit her better!
I understand that she is going through a big transition from married life to single life, but her behavior is spiraling out of control.
By,
Hurt by mother
Dear Hurt by Mom,
I sympathize with you!
As a newly single person myself (albeit one who hasn’t had her face reconstructed via plastic surgery), I completely understand how liberating it is to feel alive again after getting out of a long relationship, especially at this age.
Wearing skimpy clothes as an older woman – sheep dressed as a lamb, as they say – is not suitable for everyone. But while you may hate her clothing choices, I don’t think you should tell your mom what to wear.
It may make it easier for you to accept her recent behavior if you think it’s just a phase, as is often the case with women just getting out of a marriage.
It’s not uncommon for people to get a little wild and behave recklessly when they’re single for the first time in years.
It’s also not uncommon for women to want to experiment, whether that’s by dressing more liberally or finding younger men through dating apps.
It may all feel extremely exciting and perhaps affirming to her in the moment, but most women return to normality after they get the experimentation out of their system.
That said, none of this excuses her inappropriate behavior with your new boyfriend.
That’s something that needs to be addressed – as are her comments about him being “too good for you.” How terrible!
A boundary needs to be set: if she behaves like that again, she won’t be invited to spend time with you – or your boyfriend.
If she denies flirting with him, stick to your guns.
She may give you the cold shoulder for a while. After all, it can be hard to hear hard truths from your children. But stay true to your word and stay calm, and she will either have to listen or lose the opportunity to be a part of your life.