Dear Jane,
I've discovered a shocking secret about my boyfriend and I have no idea what to do about it.
We've been living together for a few years now and it's been great, but he's always been a little defensive of his personal belongings. Nothing crazy enough to worry me, just little incidents like taking his phone out of my hands when I pick it up, and being strangely reluctant to let me use his laptop when mine broke.
Well, now I know why.
I was working from home recently and my laptop suddenly froze while I was in the middle of an important project that needed to be completed as quickly as possible.
I called my friend to ask if I could use his on this one rare occasion, but he didn't answer, so I figured I'd just try to log in, finish my work, and then put it back without him has figured it out.
Dear Jane, I used my friend's laptop and found something shocking in his internet history. I think it could ruin our relationship forever
Strangely enough, considering how protective he was of his computer, his password was very easy to guess, and within a few minutes I had gained access. I wasn't actually planning on doing anything other than just completing my project, but when I opened his browser and started typing in a URL, dozens of links to graphic X-rated websites appeared.
Of course, I'm not naive enough to think he's never looked at pornography – that's not what shocked me – it was more the content of the porn that shocked me.
There were many clips with two men and some with very explicit and violent BDSM. And it wasn't just one or two; when I dug some more, I found dozens of them, which he had had access to in the past few days alone.
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I know there's a difference between online content and real life experiences, but to know that this is the kind of thing that turns him on really worries me. If that's what he wants, I'll never be enough for him, right? And does this mean that after all this time together, he secretly lusts after men?
It's my own fault for digging, I know, but now I'm completely at a loss as to how to approach this subject with him… he'll hate that I snooped, but equally, how can I keep quiet about such a horrible secret?
Please help.
By,
Curiosity horrified the cat
Dear curiosity startled the cat,
I'd be shocked too. Most of us would be. Discovering that someone you love isn't the person you thought they were, has a penchant for gay porn and violent kinks, seems like a bit of an insurmountable problem.
I'm sorry to tell you that I think it's time to move on. For all I know, he might otherwise be the best boyfriend in the world, but what he prefers to watch when he thinks no one is watching tells you the truth about what his fantasies are.
I liken this to how people treat staff in restaurants, or those who can't do anything for them, revealing their character. No matter how nice they appear as a friend, their true selves show up in the way they treat those they consider unimportant. This is pretty much the same.
You have discovered his true sexual nature, and if you were to confront him, no matter how much he might claim that this is purely fantasy, that he would have no interest in actually doing some of these things, I don't know how you could ever trust that this is not the case.
Especially as we get older, when it becomes more and more difficult to hide who we really are.
There's a version of this story where you might be excited about what you've discovered, but if you don't like his particular brand of kink, you'll have to break things off.
Of course, we all know you shouldn't have snooped, but that is much less relevant in your conversation with him than what you found. I wish you good luck.