Dear Jane,
Six years ago, my husband of decades confessed that he was leading a double life.
He had had a long affair that resulted in a child. He had been estranged from that son and mother ever since – but I divorced him anyway.
When we divorced, I got a much larger share of the marital assets. I think he felt guilty, or maybe he just wanted to get out without any fuss. I stayed in the family home – and he rented a small house nearby.
A few years later he became ill.
Dear Jane, I discovered my husband was living a double life and now my children are demanding that I do the unthinkable.
Our adult daughter, who still lives with her family, made sure he got to doctor’s appointments and did household chores like grocery shopping.
We also have an adult son who lives on the other side of the country, and he would come to us when there was a medical emergency.
My ex is so lucky to have children who still love him despite what he did to our family, but they are getting tired of this arrangement and recently told me they want to put him in a nursing home.
The problem is that after our divorce he has no money anymore… and my children want ME to do my part.
They think I should contribute at least a quarter of the costs, since I received most of the wedding contribution.
I can indeed afford it, but I said no.
This man lied to me and cheated on me for years. And without going into details, he also risked my health by not using protection during his affair (and who knows how many other women there were).
So no, I’m not going to spend my hard-earned (and saved) money on him.
But now my two adult children, plus five of my six grandchildren, won’t talk to me anymore.
I am angry and hurt. I want so badly to be close to my family again – but I refuse to pay for this man to live his life after he ruined mine. What do I do?
International bestselling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers’ most burning issues in her column “Agony Aunt”
By,
Twice wronged
Dear Twice Wronged,
I’m so sorry you’ve found yourself in such a difficult situation, especially after years of all the pain your husband has caused you.
Let’s be clear: you are not under each obligation here. And you certainly do not have to contribute to the costs of your ex-husband’s nursing home just to make your children happy.
You earned this money, the divorce is final and you owe him nothing.
But perhaps the situation is a little more nuanced than a simple yes-or-no, pay-or-not solution.
Even if you don’t want to give this money to someone who has wronged you, you may ultimately be happier if you can compromise and maintain a close bond with your children.
When we have children with someone, we are forever tied to that person. I know many people who have flown halfway around the world to care for a sick spouse they divorced years ago, because at the end of the day, they are still the parent of their children.
Families are complicated! Once you have children, I’m not sure anyone involved is ever “out” of your family for good.
Your husband hurt you terribly, but now he is very sick. It could be healing for all of you if you could find it in yourselves to support him.
It may not be a quarter of the cost, but it could something.
And remember: it would be an act of love for your children… not for him.
Whatever choice you make, I wish you the very best.