DEAR JANE: I am REFUSING to take my husband’s name after marriage because I think it’s sexist – he says it means I don’t love him

Dear Jane,

I've been married for six months now – and so far it's been a bit of an up and down experience thanks to an unforeseen hiccup between me and my new husband.

Before our wedding, we had all those “big” discussions that everyone advises you to have – shared finances, kids, political leanings… all that stuff. But we left one topic completely undiscussed, I think mainly because neither of us thought it would be a problem: name changes.

As silly as it may sound, I absolutely love my name and feel like I've worked hard to make it important in my industry. So when people asked if I would change it, my immediate response was always 'no'. That's exactly what I told my husband when he asked a few days after the wedding.

The thing is, instead of 'if', he asked 'when'… which made my answer somewhat awkward, as you might imagine.

In the weeks that followed, the subject became more and more of an issue in our relationship. It turns out that my husband firmly believes that a woman should take her partner's name after marriage – an idea that I think is so outdated and, frankly, a bit sexist.

But to him, apparently my refusal to change my name means I don't love him enough?

Several friends have told me that I should just admit that a name isn't worth jeopardizing my relationship, and that I can continue using my maiden name professionally.

Which… I understand. To a certain extent. But I can't help but think that if we sweep this issue under the rug, I'm not really doing myself or my marriage any favors?

What do you think I should do?

By,

Newlywed angry

Dear newlywed, upset,

The practice of changing names dates back to a time when women were, quite literally, considered 'treasury', or the 'personal property' of men. At that time, women had very few rights and were not allowed to own property or control their personal finances.

Remarkably, this was the case until the early 20th century, but fortunately we have come a long way since then. Unlike generations before ours, we women enjoy full and equal rights and do not need to belong to anyone to leave our parents' homes and build an independent life.

Whether they bow to or embrace a centuries-old tradition, many women often choose to take their husband's surname as a demonstration of their love and devotion, and/or to share the same surname as their future children.

For many, if not most, it's a no-brainer and something they enjoy doing. Interestingly enough, in some cultures it is the men who take their wives' surnames.

The bottom line is that this is a personal choice for women. Meeting and getting married, especially as we get older, can make taking a spouse's name more complicated.

While hindsight is a wonderful thing, and this could have been something you both discussed along with that prescient list of topics you researched so carefully before taking the plunge, I imagine you had no idea how hurt he would at the prospect of you continuing your business. live with the name you've always had.

According to a Pew Research survey, eight in 10 women still take their husband's name, while five percent hyphenate their names to include both, and others still legally change their names while keeping their maiden names professionally (which I did , and have some doubts about it, given the amount of confusion it sometimes causes).

I love my husband very much, and love being his wife, and reflexively adopted his family name to celebrate the fact that we shared our lives together as a married couple. And later I realized that my personal and professional identity was more important to me than I had thought.

So while I legally have his last name, I happily remain Jane Green to most.

For you, your name is an important part of your identity, and only you can choose what to do with it. You might consider pouring yourself and your husband a drink, putting on something cozy and curling up with him, telling him how much you love him, the couple you are, and explaining why keeping your name is so important to you.

You can assure him that this has nothing to do with your love for him, and perhaps dig a little deeper to explore why he thinks this is the case. If your relationship is as good as it otherwise sounds, I suspect you will find a path forward that meets the wants and needs of both of you.

Dear Jane,

All my life I've been a bit of a loner. I moved around a lot as a kid, never really had a 'home base' and as a result never really formed a core friendship group when I was younger.

To be honest, I'm pretty good at spending time alone and don't mind being alone at all, but as I got older I realized that making friends is a life skill that I should have at least tried and tested over the years ?

The thing is, I have no idea how to do it. And ironically, I have no friends to ask. I can't bear the thought of asking people at work how to make friends (can you imagine the looks and whispers), and my family would just make it a “project” where each family member would send suggestions for people that I should hang out with.

Where on earth do I start? Tracking people down on the Internet seems strange, but like dating, is there another way?

By,

No idea, loner

Dear Clueless Loner,

I applaud you for writing in this column to ask this question. I'm also very glad that you enjoy your own company and that you're okay with being alone. It's a rare gift that shows you're truly comfortable in your own skin, and will ease the loneliness as you get older.

But as you may be beginning to realize, the real joy and beauty of life comes from human connection. Finding people who share the same views or humor, or surprise you with different opinions, is the glue that keeps us sane and sane.

If you don't have any hobbies or interests, now is the time to pick some up. Most public libraries have classes where you can find others with similar interests, as do community colleges. If you serve, you will always find good people – if you volunteer with local organizations, you will find yourself in a busy mix.

Go to a class or workshop with an open heart and mind and a friendly attitude, and people will want to talk to you. And don't forget to smile!

Some of my best and most beloved friendships started when I complimented someone: he or she is wearing a jacket that I love, or they have a great haircut. That led to a lively conversation and suggestions to go for tea sometime.

Cultivating warmth and curiosity is a good start. If you see someone who looks interesting, tell them. Asking questions. Most people like to talk about themselves, especially to someone who genuinely wants to know more.

The Internet may not be your first choice, but it is a good choice. Just as there are dating sites, there are now also friendship sites that cater to people, many of whom I suspect are just like you. A few suggestions are friendmatch.com and friendshipmatchmaker.com.

There is also an app that is highly recommended called Friended. It is a social platform specifically designed to not only meet friends, but boost your own self-confidence at the same time.

Curiosity, friendliness and warmth will draw people to you, with true friendships being the next logical step. Not everyone will become a friend, but we only need a few. I wish you much joy and fun in your search!