Dear Jane,
I’m getting married next June! I still can’t quite believe it.
And contrary to what everyone has told me, the wedding planning has actually been pretty easy so far.
Except for one very vague subject: my bridesmaids.
I’ve had four of my bridesmaids locked up since we were in high school. We’ve been friends for years, we’re super close, and it was always clear to me that they would have my back if I eventually got married.
Then I have a cousin who is like a best friend to me, so she was also an obvious choice.
Dear Jane, I don’t want my sister to be in my bridal party because I think she will ruin my wedding. How do I tell her without causing a serious argument?
But my fiancée has six groomsmen and we would prefer to have an even number, and that’s where it gets a little weird. I have an older sister, so I think most people assumed she would be my sixth choice, including herself.
I, on the other hand, can’t think of anything worse than having her in my bridal party.
She has always been pessimistic about everything. And while I’m planning the wedding, she’s whining about every possible negative thing. The flowers are too expensive, having two dresses is stupid, my choice of location is too over the top, blah blah blah.
The funny thing is that she seems to think these interjections are actually helping me. She keeps telling me how much she enjoyed “helping with the plans” and has asked several times when I am going to tell “the rest” of my bridesmaids that they are in my bridal party.
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So now I’m stuck in that awkward position of wanting to ask someone else, but not knowing how to tell her she’s not… wanted.
Obviously she’s invited that day, but I can’t bear the idea of having her with me while I get ready, no doubt telling me how awful everything is.
How do I let her down firmly but gently?
By,
Wedding panic
Dear Wedding Panic,
First of all, best wishes for your wedding. What an exciting thing to organize, and I’m very happy that most of your plans are going so smoothly.
And I know how disturbing it must be to have a sister who is always negative and critical, how toxic it can feel to have someone with so much negative energy around you on such a happy day.
I don’t think your sister should be in your wedding party.
I recently had a birthday party and one of the guests walked in in a bad mood – she got lost driving there and blamed us for bad directions, then complained about pretty much everything. I had a nice time, but every time I looked back I saw this woman gesturing angrily at whoever she was talking to.
I won’t deny that it ruined the party for me somewhat.
This is your wedding. You get to decide. You don’t have to say she’s not wanted, you just have to say thank you, but you’ve already picked your bridesmaids.
If she insists, you can always say you’re upset by her constant criticism, but honestly, I’m tempted to suggest keeping it simple and just saying you’ve already invited other people.
I wish you good luck!