DEAR JANE: My husband tried to CHEAT with my daughter (his stepchild)… but I can’t divorce him

Dear Jane,

I feel humiliated saying this, but I really need some advice.

I just found out that my husband of 20 years had sex with my 28 year old daughter (his stepdaughter) while I was away two years ago.

Last week she finally confessed.

Apparently he had invited her to come and ‘cuddle’ with us in OUR bed when I was on a business trip.

Luckily my daughter laughed off his advances, but he didn’t make it easy for her. He told her that she had been “teasing him for years” and that she was really trying.

She said the secret was eating her up and that she had to tell me now, but she begged me not to tell him.

To be honest, the whole situation has made me dislike both of them.

It makes me sick to think of him trying to seduce her, especially since he always treated her like she was his own.

Her father, my first husband, died when she was very young. My second husband came to live with us when she was only 6 years old.

He took her to school, helped coach her youth soccer team and even taught her how to drive.

It has made me question our whole marriage. I feel like a terrible mother for letting this man into our home. I can’t look at him the same way anymore!

I also have to admit that I am hurt that my daughter didn’t say anything for two years. Does she not trust me?

But the worst part of this terrible situation is that we think my husband is suffering from the early stages of dementia.

He turned 75 this year and after some good friends pointed out some strange memory problems and mood swings, we convinced him to make an appointment with a neurologist to have some tests done.

He is slowly but surely getting more and more angry at home over little things like my “backseat driving” and the tv shows I like to watch. He is also definitely becoming VERY forgetful and easily confused.

So what on earth am I supposed to do now?

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive him and move on after what he did to my daughter. It would have been different if he had hit on a non-family member; I might have been able to forgive that transgression. But this crossed a line.

I want to divorce him, but I’m worried about my responsibilities regarding his health.

He has hardly any family of his own (no brothers or sisters and both his parents are deceased).

Any advice is greatly appreciated.

By,

Disgusted and disturbed

Dear Disgusting and Deranged,

First of all, I feel really sorry that you have to go through this.

It must feel like a huge betrayal and I completely understand why it would make you question your entire marriage.

I think it’s important to take an emotional step back to fully assess the situation.

It sounds like your husband is exhibiting many of the early signs of dementia. Indeed, some of the most common indicators can be a lack of inhibitions, a loss of impulse control, and a variety of changes in judgment and personality.

This does not mean that the seriousness of the situation diminishes, but it may be a possible reason for this action that falls outside the charter.

The upcoming appointment with the neurologist should give you more insight into your husband’s health status so that you can better assess how to proceed.

If he is in the early stages of dementia, you can work with his doctors to explore options for care, whether or not you stay with him.

I can’t tell you what to do, but I don’t think you can make any big decisions until you have the full picture. If this new behavior is somehow related to his mental decline, something that is beyond his control, you may find it within yourself to forgive him.

The only thing that concerns me in your letter is that you say you are also disgusted by your daughter. I don’t know where that comes from.

Your daughter was put in a terrifying situation that was not her choice. It strikes me that the only possible reason she chose not to tell you right away was to protect you from the immense pain she knew it would cause.

Forgiveness is paramount here, as is compassion.

While your husband needs a support system, I dare say you and your daughter need one too.

Whether that’s in the form of a therapist or a support group, please seek it out soon.

And if that self-protection ultimately means leaving him and putting yourself first, make sure you have your act together.

It may be helpful to keep a written record of your husband’s behavior and any other incidents that may be of medical and legal importance.

I wish you all peace.