DEAR JANE: I’ve fallen in love with my son’s NANNY – how can I fire her without my husband figuring out why?

Dear Jane,

This is hard to admit, but I’ve developed some very strong feelings for my son’s nanny – and I’ve come to realize that the only way I can put my desires aside and save my marriage is to to fire her.

I am a bisexual woman and have been married to my husband for four years. He has always been very supportive of my sexuality, but when he and I got married, it was always going to be a monogamous relationship – for both of us. And that is something I have committed myself to.

But over the past eight months, my commitment has been shaken, thanks to my incredible attraction to our six-month-old son’s nanny. I knew from the moment I interviewed her that there were certain feelings, and looking back, I now realize it was a mistake to hire her given the stomach upset I felt at the time.

However, she was the best candidate and I wanted to find the most wonderful person to care for my child. So I pushed the feelings aside and welcomed her into our home as an employee – that’s all.

Since then, however, my feelings for her have been impossible to shake. I find myself daydreaming about what it would be like to kiss her, have a relationship with her, raise my son with her… all things that a woman in a committed marriage should never have to consider.

Both my husband and my son are devoted to her, and I know it would cause chaos if I suddenly announced to my partner that I wanted to let her go. Questions would arise as to why… and I fear he would eventually find out what’s going on. He knows me too well.

I feel so desperate that I’ve even considered telling my husband that I caught her stealing or that I picked her up in an inappropriate act… I know that would be against every moral code imaginable, but I don’t know what else to do?

How can I fire her without being the bad guy?

By,

The babysitter’s nightmare

Dear Nanny Nightmare,

What a tough situation you’re in, especially considering how good this babysitter is. The problem with crushes, especially secret crushes, is how powerful they become under a cloak of secrecy.

Secrets exist because of shame. I applaud you for being open with your husband about your bisexuality, but by not having this very difficult discussion with him, you are only carrying the secret with you, and with it the shame, which is a very heavy burden is to wear.

Nothing can be fixed while carrying this alone. I know how hard it will be to tell him that you have feelings for the nanny, but it has to be done, and together you can decide the way forward.

It may be that once the secret is revealed, it loses much of its power, and you can all continue with the babysitter, without any damage being done. Whatever the outcome, your husband must be a party to the discussion and the decision, and above all, he is owed the truth.

Because while this may be a one-time crush, it indicates that there are issues here that need to be addressed. Use this as an opportunity to grow – either within your marriage, looking at what you may be missing in becoming fixated on someone else, or addressing what you believe to be true about your sexuality.

It is not uncommon for women to identify as bisexual as a precursor to realizing they are gay. Most women are raised to desire a husband, marriage, and children; what is known as compulsory heterosexuality.

Many who experience same-sex attraction refuse to look at it, telling themselves they have a choice and letting their shame keep them from living the life they really want. Shame sees them bury their secret and follow the path that society believes is normal.

They may tell their partner that they are bisexual, acknowledging their same-sex attraction, and often it is not until they encounter a catalyst – in this case the babysitter – that they are forced to acknowledge their true sexuality.

I’m not saying this is the case for you, and I know how difficult this must be. You must tell your husband, and you must come to a mutual decision together. I urge both of you to next see a marriage counselor to shed some light on your marriage and/or your sexuality.

Sending you lots of love and strength.

Dear Jane,

My husband has a very high sex drive and usually wants to be intimate every night of the week – unless he’s had a few beers, in which case he’s a little less interested.

If I dare say I’m tired or have a headache or anything else that might prevent us from having sex, he gets into a mean mood, rolls over and goes to sleep without so much as a goodnight kiss.

The next day he is grumpy and usually doesn’t want to talk to me. His behavior is so intolerable that I usually just have sex with him to avoid it, not necessarily because I want to.

It’s gotten to the point where I dread every second we spend alone together at night because I know he only has one thing on his mind at the end of the day.

He even starts asking for oral sex when we are home alone during the day.

Other times he doesn’t kiss or hug me; the only time he’s interested is in bed.

He’s said that’s why I’m a woman, and he owns me and I have to do what he wants because that’s what a woman does, and without sex there’s no marriage?

I never said I ‘never’ want to have sex, I’d just like to go to bed some nights and enjoy a movie together without being afraid! Am I a bad woman?

By,

Bedtime trouble

Dear Bedtime Nuisance,

Far be it from me to suggest that you leave your husband. Not because just the thought of sex every day is completely exhausting for most women I know, but because he says he “owns” you.

Bedtime problem, no one ‘owns’ you, and you are absolutely under no obligation to have sex with your husband whenever he wants.

Marriage is a partnership where you each want very different things out of the marriage, but you work on it together and come to a compromise.

No matter how your husband feels about it, the days when a woman is expected to fulfill marital duties are long gone, regardless of how she feels.

I would like you to take a good look at your marriage and your life and see if you are being treated the way you want. If possible, see a therapist, and if your husband is willing, a relationship therapist.

However, your letter asks if you are a bad wife. You’re not a bad woman at all, but it doesn’t sound like you’re a happy woman either. We all deserve to be appreciated, respected and loved.

Have a good trip.