DEAR JANE: I discovered my girlfriend has been cheating on me – rather than confront her, I got REVENGE

Dear Jane,

I have been with my girlfriend for three years now and I thought we were pretty happy. Until I found out that she had been cheating on me for the past six months with a guy from work.

When I found out what she had done behind my back, I was pretty devastated. We live together, have a cat together and I was seriously considering asking her to marry me.

I didn’t want to just accuse her of something before I had all the facts, so I sat with the information for a few days while I poked around through her phone and credit card statements. I made some ‘innocent’ inquiries of her friends under the guise of planning a surprise birthday party for her.

The more details I discovered about her relationship with this man, the angrier I became. By the end of the third day, I had forgotten all my sadness and felt only anger.

All I could think about was hurting her the same way she hurt me. I embarrassed her like she embarrassed me.

Yeah, it wasn’t the most mature reaction, but I was angry!

So I decided to take revenge. I took all the evidence I found when I investigated her “affair” and sent it anonymously to her boss.

I told him that she was having an inappropriate relationship with one of her employees and that they had both used company communications to handle their affair (I found some Slack messages). Then I just sat back and waited.

A few days later she came home in tears and confessed that she had been fired. When I asked why, she said she “didn’t know” but that she thought one of her “jealous” colleagues had tried to take her down out of spite.

I planned on just dumping her right then and there, telling her I knew why she was fired and that I was done with her. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it. She was so upset, I felt… guilty, I guess?

So now here I am, days later, still living with her, still hiding these secrets, and I have no idea where to go from here.

I still love her, honestly, but I don’t know if there is a way out?

By,

Fire starter

Dear Fire Starter,

I don’t think there is a way out and I sincerely hope you never do something like that again.

I sympathize with you when you discover that your partner has been unfaithful. There’s nothing worse than this kind of betrayal from someone you love. But there is no defense for the way you handled it.

Your relationship doesn’t stand a chance because there is no possibility of trust. I can imagine that it is becoming increasingly difficult for you to keep your secret.

Secrets are a disease. They always infect a relationship and tend to come out eventually.

I can’t help but think that this is not a relationship that is meant to be, despite the cat, despite your thoughts about an impending proposal. The very fact that she had an affair would indicate that there may be real problems in the relationship, or with her ability to commit.

Either way, it doesn’t bode well for the future.

It seems like there are two options, one of which is to come clean with her and let her know that you not only know about her affair, but that you played a role in destroying her job. Maybe then you can go into more detail about why she had the affair, why you took such punitive action, and maybe there will be some pieces to pick up, but I suspect not.

The other option is to end the relationship, move on with your life, and hopefully never find yourself in a situation like this again.

If you ever find yourself in this situation again, I sincerely hope that you will talk to your partner and tell him or her that you know, instead of coming up with clever ways to ruin his or her life.

Dear Jane,

I am 36 years old and live a very happy life with my partner.

We both have good jobs, we have two dogs, and we recently closed on our first home together, which is incredibly exciting.

Early in our relationship we discussed the idea of ​​marriage and children, and we were both on the same page in knowing that those “traditional” paths weren’t really for us. I don’t need a ring to prove to people that I’m in a committed relationship, and I’ve never felt the desire to be a mother.

And I haven’t regretted that decision for a moment.

But the thing is, my friends seem to think that marriage and babies are the only milestones worth celebrating these days, and every time I want to do something to mark something else (a new job, the purchase of my house) , they make it seem like I’m being exaggerated or boastful because that’s what I want to do.

Last year I suggested going on a girls’ trip for my birthday – only because the majority of my friends said they didn’t want to spend the money, or they were shocked that anyone would even want to celebrate a birthday “at our age.” I was having a party when we closed on our house and wanted it to be black-tie, but everyone said they couldn’t be bothered to get “all dressed up.”

But when one of my friends’ babies turns one, they basically throw a goddamn carnival, with balloons and a petting zoo. And yet I’m the one who’s over the top? Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy to celebrate their kids – I love my friends and their kids – but why should I be expected to ignore everything in my own life just because I don’t want babies.

Any ideas on how I can present this to them without seeming even more selfish?

By,

Party ruined

Dear Party Pooped,

I don’t think you’re being selfish at all. Not everyone has the same path in life and it’s easy to forget that we’re not in the same boat.

New parenthood is so all-consuming, so exhausting, and even so exciting that it can be difficult to maintain relationships with anyone other than those who are also newly in “Babyville.”

Please know that this time will pass; that your friends will find their way back to themselves, and back to those friends, like you, who are not experiencing the same things at the same time.

Considering how exciting new parenthood is and how exhausting, I’m not sure talking to your friends will change their desire to go on a girls’ date, or to dress up in evening wear. I think it’s better if you accept that you are temporarily in different phases of life.

Maybe instead of a black tie outfit for a closing party, think of something your friends could, want, and want to do.

We make friends throughout our lives, and while these friends are temporarily on hold, maybe we can focus on spending time with other people who aren’t bound by the same obligations, who can celebrate with you in the way you want .