Q My father has dementia and before he went into a nursing home, I was his primary caregiver. It is tragic to see this man, who was once the greatest character, wiped out both physically and mentally by the disease. I have brothers and sisters, but the responsibility of caring for him fell squarely on my shoulders and while he was at home, I was able to continue to care for him – even if I had to combine that with working and caring for my children.
Normally I’m a pretty happy person, but since he came into the house I’ve been really struggling and I’ve lost my spark. Now daddy no longer recognizes me and my mother – his wife. It’s devastating, not just for me, but for my children, ages seven and thirteen.
To help, they go to counseling sessions they are coming to terms with the grief of losing the person their grandfather once was, which tears me apart even more. I have never felt so isolated and alone. How do I stay strong, not only for myself, but for my family, when I am crumbling inside?
a I hear your desperation loud and clear. I’m sure you are aware of the Alzheimer’s Society’s recent campaign highlighting that losing someone in this way is like grieving death over and over again. It is controversial because it is too intense, but I think it resonates with many who have cared for someone with this terrible disease.
I’ve talked to people who said that by the time their parents died, they were so relieved that it was over that their loved one’s dementia had robbed them of even the final grieving process. So firstly, I can say that even if you feel desperately lonely, you are not alone.
You’re burned out and probably depressed. Unfortunately, it is often true that women bear the brunt of caring for family members. Taking care of your father before he moved into a home (along with your other obligations) has exhausted you. It may be too painful for your children to visit their grandfather now, and it may be better that they remember him as he was.
But I think you also have to take a step back. Your father is safe and since he no longer recognizes you, consider taking a few weeks off from visiting as well. Focus on having a good time with your children: take them on fun days out, help them think about other things.
Also go on outings with your mother. Make sure you take care of yourself with exercise, fresh air and good nutrition. In other words, reset. As hard as it is, try not to show your fear to your children.
But no one can be strong all the time, so cry all you want if you need to – just don’t be alone. Please call a friend or seek the support of others and talk until you feel better (alzheimers.org.uk; 0333 150 3456). Also consult your doctor about depression.
My daughter blames me for her breakup
Q I think I really screwed up with my daughter. She is 33 and has been in a relationship for six years with a man who does not want to get married. She desperately wants children, but he kept saying he wasn’t ready yet – he’s 40.
So I told her to give her an ultimatum: that if he didn’t agree to marry her within a year, she would have to end the relationship. However, when she took my advice, he left her and said so he didn’t want to be forced into it a corner.
That was three months ago and my daughter was distraught and sobbing on the phone that it was my fault and if she hadn’t said anything, they would still be togetherR.
a Yes, if she hadn’t said anything, they might still be together – and your daughter might still see three or four years pass, still want to get married, and still want children.
Unfortunately, I expect everyone except your daughter could see that this relationship was not good. If you are not ready to commit after six years, you can hardly push yourself into a corner. If he doesn’t feel ready for children at forty, he probably never wants them, but he didn’t have the courage to tell her that directly and kept her.
Right now, your daughter is grieving the loss of her relationship (six years is a long time) and afraid of the uncertainties of the future. She’ll come around, but it’ll take some time for her to realize he wasn’t good for her, so just keep listening and being there for her.
Gently remind her that he may never have felt ready to be a father and that she deserves someone who loves her enough to want a future together.
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If you have a problem, please write to Caroline West-Meads at YOU, 9 Derry Street, London W8 5HY, or email c.west-meads@mailonsunday.co.uk. You can follow Caroline on X/Twitter @Ask_Caroline_ Caroline reads all your letters, but regrets that she cannot answer them all personally