Q I was so in love with my husband when we got married over 25 years ago – and vice versa. Although we don’t really argue, we don’t have much in common either.
I didn’t know how things had changed until our daughter brought her new boyfriend to stay for the weekend and I saw how in love they were.
My husband and I are very happy for her, but I realize that I don’t feel that way anymore and I miss that. I wonder if my husband noticed it too. I’ve tried to find out where the decline started. I think that was when our children were young – the eldest would have been nine – and my father died suddenly of a heart attack at the age of sixty.
It left me in total shock. Looking back, I realize now that I was probably suffering from depression, but I wasn’t raised to talk about such things.
For a long time I was snappy and quick to argue. My daughter recently told me that she remembers me often taking naps on the weekends while her dad took over. My husband is a good man who is always nice to everyone, but eventually he became snappy and caught up in the situation his hobbies and work. Over the years things have gotten a little better and we now get along great every day, but the affection and deep love that we once shared has faded.
Is there a way back?
a When people write to me about an unhappy marriage or relationship, I often hear that love has died or that one partner has been too horrible or hurtful to the other for the marriage to survive.
However, when both parties are basically good people and there is a will to make things better, the relationship can be saved. Essentially, you have lost the art of communication.
Yes, you were probably depressed when things started going wrong. This can cause people to become snappy or lash out for no reason. And your husband withdrew into himself, instead of recognizing how unhappy you were, or perhaps not knowing how to help. But being aware of how difficult some of your behaviors were is critical to moving forward.
You say you never talked to him or anyone else about this. However, you have taken the first step of contacting me, and now you need to talk to your husband. It’s scary, but if you don’t take action, nothing will change.
Tell him what you told me: that you miss the days when you and he were as clearly in love as your daughter and her new husband. Explain that you would like to have a conversation with him to get that back.
If the relationship cannot be saved, counseling can help you make a less painful breakup, but I think there is plenty of room for hope in your case. Attempt relate.org.uk.
I feel guilty for keeping her affair a secret
Q A good friend of mine, who is in her 40s, just told me she is having an affair. I want to support her and I know her 11 year marriage has problems, but I really like her husband and I don’t like what she is doing.
I feel like she has passed on her guilty secret to me and I don’t know how to respond. Every time I see her I feel tense and uncomfortable. She also asked me not to do that tell my own husband, who is a friend of her partner.
a It must be very difficult to become a reluctant keeper of secrets. Of course, affairs don’t usually happen in happy marriages, but when they are discovered they cause enormous pain. There may be more going on in your girlfriend’s relationship that she hasn’t told you, so try to suspend judgment and talk to her.
Encourage her to look for a better way to solve the problems in her marriage. Gently explain that things rarely end well and ask if she has thought about the long term.
Even if her husband doesn’t know or suspect it, the affair will further weaken her marriage because her emotional energy will be focused on the other man and not on her husband. Sadly, I suspect she won’t listen, but I hope she will.
As for revealing her secret, you could explain how uncomfortable it makes you feel, but it might be better to keep the lines of communication open. While it is unreasonable to ask you not to tell your partner, he would almost certainly tell her husband. I understand that loyalty, but it may not be in the latter’s best interest. Especially if the wife ended the affair and her husband never knew about it.
So think about this carefully.