DEAR CAROLINE: We are always expected to babysit
Q My son is in his late twenties and works hard at a good job, but it doesn’t pay very well, so he lives at home with us. He has had a girlfriend for three years and they have discussed moving into a rental together London, is expensive. She is sweet and my husband and I adore her.
She also has a demanding public sector job that doesn’t pay well. However, her parents are comfortable and have decided to downsize and give their daughter a large down payment for a flat. She suggested that my son could move in and pay rent to help with the mortgage.
It would be a much nicer place than he could otherwise afford. But our son has his doubts and fears that the dynamic in their relationship might change. He says he would like to live together somewhere on equal terms, but he feels uncomfortable about becoming his girlfriend’s tenant. He also thinks that her successful father looks down on him a bit and that this wouldn’t help.
They have discussed taking out a joint mortgage for the rest of the flat, but he begins to feel pressured to make a big commitment and fears this will put a strain on their relationship.
a It is indeed a dilemma. Financial situations like these are delicate, and your son is right: the dynamics would undoubtedly change. In the worst case scenario, if your son becomes his girlfriend’s tenant, it could mean that she makes all the decisions about the apartment – the decoration, bills, etc. – while he ends up feeling like his voice is unimportant.
This, in turn, can cause your son to become defensive or angry. Some men can even feel a little emasculated because they aren’t seen as having the same financial resources as their partner (especially with the girlfriend’s rich dad in the background). However, you say she’s a sweet girl, so this scenario is unlikely.
As long as they talk things through and have an agreement to be equal partners (and keep that on track), they can still try to live together this way. And if it didn’t work, he could move without financial loss.
Commitment is the real issue though, and I wonder if his girlfriend is also reluctant to take that step since she initially suggested he could be her tenant. Or perhaps she hopes that a willingness to share a mortgage could be a precursor to a marriage proposal. But your son sounds like he’s not quite ready to commit, and this needs to be explored.
If they really wanted to be life partners, then a big deposit on a flat they could both invest in would be fantastic. However, if he is not sure, a joint mortgage is unwise. If this isn’t the relationship they both want long-term, it’s less painful to make that decision sooner rather than later.
We are always expected to be careful
Q My husband and I (both in our early sixties) retired four years ago. Since then, two grandchildren have arrived. Our two sons constantly ask us to watch their little ones. We can’t meet up to go out somewhere and I feel very resentful. I’m even considering a part-time job. My husband is soft-spoken and can’t say no, and our lives are no longer our own. How do we deal with this?
a Your very short letter raises so many other questions.
I see that you were really looking forward to some time alone with your husband, and this freedom now feels limited, which is understandably difficult. What you don’t mention, however, is whether your grandchildren bring you any joy. The majority of grandparents who write to me talk about their deep love for their grandchildren and often the sadness that they are not a bigger part of their lives.
So it’s hard to know whether you would enjoy spending time with them if it weren’t so constant (and whether your sons might take advantage of that) or whether you really feel like it’s not your job to care for them at all. to care. . I suspect the answer lies somewhere in between.
Your sons clearly trust that you and your husband will provide for their children, which is a great compliment, and I hope that your grandchildren will indeed bring you happiness. So this is actually a matter of setting boundaries.
Of course, you can’t postpone your own plans all the time, so try to agree with your husband on times you want to keep to yourself, including visiting friends and any special outings. Make it clear to your sons that these days are sacred, but that you are happy to babysit at other times.
If you have a problem, please write to Caroline West-Meads at YOU, 9 Derry Street, London W8 5HY, or email c.west-meads@mailonsunday.co.uk. You can follow Caroline X/Twitter @Ask_Caroline_
Caroline reads all your letters, but regrets that she cannot answer them all personally