DEAR CAROLINE: My son said it’s ‘pretty lame’ to be at a New Year’s Eve party with us – how can I not feel sad and rejected?

Q For years we have been organizing a big New Year’s Eve party for family and friends. My eldest son, now 17, has always helped us enthusiastically, organizing music and a quiz, with great pleasure. However, he just dropped a bombshell and says that this year he wants to go to the party of a friend whose parents are away. I told him how sad I was and that all our friends and his cousins ​​would miss him. He just said it was “pretty boring” to be at a party with your parents on New Year’s Eve.

I suspect there’s a girl he likes going, but that’s not said. I know it’s irrational, but it feels like betrayal. I realize I have to let him go to this party. He would only blame me and his father if we said no, and we probably couldn’t stop him anyway. I also know that he needs to grow up and live his own life, but I can’t help but feel sad and a little rejected.

A It’s hard for parents when children are on the path to greater independence. Since he’s your oldest child and might be heading off to college next year, this party is a preview of your future empty nest. You’re right in saying that he would probably resent you if you said no, and it would be hard to stop him. Sixteen or seventeen years old is the typical age at which offspring start pushing the boundaries. It’s a tough time because teens need boundaries, but the more you impose them, the more they will resist them. All you can do is guide, encourage and advise.

Maybe he can stay for the first hour of your party just to say hello. Safety is of course paramount, so explain that there are basic rules for leaving (and for continuing independence in the future). Make sure he shares the party address with you, stays in touch via text in the evening, and has a plan to get home safely. (You or your husband may need to sober up to pick him up.)

Of course, you also have to talk about drink and drugs, because unfortunately these will almost certainly be present. I agree that there may be a girl involved – and your son is at the age where he is probably thinking about sex. So as hard as it is, you also need to have a conversation about the importance of respect for girls and women. Your son may be a responsible young man who would never get a girl drunk and take advantage of her, but unfortunately this type of behavior is far too common and parents need to learn that it is not acceptable.

I’m sorry, it’s so hard to feel less needed now, when once you were your child’s entire world. Remind yourself that it’s the security you’ve provided that has given him the confidence to expand his horizons, and try to see it as an outreach to the wider world, rather than a rejection of you.

WHY SHOULD I BE CALLED A HUSBAND STEALER?

Q I am upset by a casual comment from a friend of a friend. My husband and I broke up eight months ago after I discovered he was sexting a co-worker. I was devastated, but have since realized that it wasn’t the first time and that I was unhappy in our relationship anyway. So he moved out and I’ve been trying to rebuild my life and date occasionally.

But I’m going to a party on New Year’s Eve and a friend told me that an attendee said, “We’re all going to have to watch our husbands now that she’s single.” My girlfriend thought it was funny and knows I’m not like that, but I’m annoyed that this woman seems to view me as some sort of predatory husband thief. I am quite capable of having fun with friends without looking at all the married men.

A It’s annoying, isn’t it, how a stupid comment that we know we should ignore can still affect us. However, I don’t think she sees you specifically as a predatory man-stealer, but more likely she feels like any single or recently divorced woman is a threat. Perhaps she is insecure about her own husband and thinks he is tempted to stray. Your girlfriend, on the other hand, may find the comment funny because she trusts both you and her own partner.

Or maybe you are particularly attractive! I’m so sorry to hear that your own marriage failed, but I’m glad you’re able to move on. Don’t let this casual comment keep you from going to the party. You have every right to enjoy yourself. It might be tempting to flirt with this woman’s husband as a form of revenge, but I would take the opposite tack and be a model of decorum.