Q I am in my late fifties and have been divorced for eight years. The parental home had to be sold and yet I bought a much smaller house, money remains a struggle. Because my now adult children no longer live with me, I took in a tenant eight months ago – a friend of a friend – for extra income.
Big mistake.
She’s a few years younger than me and while she’s nice enough, I find her very boring. That would be fine, but she seems to think she’s my best friend and always wants to talk to me when I need space after a long day of work. I find myself lurking in my room to avoid her. I have to ask her to move, but I don’t want to upset her.
a I sympathize with you because it is miserable to have to disappoint someone who you consider good enough and may feel sorry for, but who you simply don’t want to see as much as you do.
It is not right that you feel that you cannot leave your own home
Assertiveness doesn’t come easy for most people and while your tenant will be angry, you need to take action because ultimately you have to put your own needs first. It’s not right that you feel like you can’t leave your room in your own home!
Some people may be tempted to tell white lies to smooth over this difficult situation, perhaps because they need the room for one of your children or someone else, but a simple approach is best.
Make it about your needs and not because she is to blame. Tell her that while it was nice to have her, you find that you are just too old to share your space and that when her year’s lease is up (just four more months), you would like her to be somewhere live differently.
Good luck – this isn’t easy.
Q I am increasingly concerned about my brother’s mental and physical health. He has always struggled with low mood and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), but since losing both of our parents in recent years, these problems have been getting worse.
He was living at home when our mother became ill and was caring for her because of lung cancer. We are both in our early fifties and although I have a lovely husband and daughter, he is still single and lives alone.
I try to be there for him as much as possible. He only recently confided to me that he is really struggling.
He says that he now finds it difficult to force himself to interact with others and it becomes difficult to face the day. He is in a constant state of excitement and also drinks a lot, which undoubtedly worsens his problems. I have urged him to contact our GP, but he is reluctant. He was put on medication in 2019 but said it didn’t help much.
I’m so worried about him and I really don’t know which way to turn.
a I’m sorry to hear this. It’s so hard to watch someone you love struggle. I am pleased to have the opportunity to raise awareness of OCD, a much misunderstood condition where patients are often assumed to have only behavioral problems such as excessive cleaning or hand washing.
But it is often debilitating and can bring intrusive and negative thoughts.
They may think they are not good enough (hence the social anxiety and withdrawal) or have a terrible feeling. Patients may develop rituals to distract from their anxiety.
Taking care of your mother will have been incredibly upsetting for him and will have heightened these feelings. Unfortunately, patients are often reluctant to seek help due to a sense of stigma or the belief that they cannot be helped.
Taking care of your mother will have increased his anxiety
Charity OCD Action says it can take up to 12 years for symptoms to start and a patient to seek help. Still, it emphasizes that the condition can almost always be treated with therapy and medication, so feel free to contact them at ocdaction.org.uk For support.
It’s good that your brother reached out to you, so build on that. His drinking complicates matters and he is likely to be more defensive about the matter, so also contact Al-Anon (for the families and friends of alcoholics) at al-anonuk.org.uk.
Since he’s reluctant to get professional help, it might be worth trying an app like Reveri, which uses self-hypnosis for problems like anxiety, OCD and depression to give him some calm and courage. to get the help he needs.
Meanwhile, in your longer letter, it sounds like you haven’t had the time and space to properly grieve for your parents. So also consider grieving for both of you (see cruse.org.uk or mariecurie.org.uk) and don’t forget to take care of yourself and your marriage.
If you have a problem, please write to Caroline West-Meads at YOU, 9 Derry Street, London W8 5HY, or email c.west-meads@mailonsunday.co.uk. You can follow Caroline on X/Twitter @Ask_Caroline_
Caroline reads all your letters, but regrets that she cannot answer them all personally.