DEAR CAROLINE: My ex strung me along for 12 years… then admitted he didn’t want children when it was too late

Q I recently split up with my long-term partner because after 12 years he finally admitted that he didn’t want children. He had been hesitating for a long time, initially saying that we should buy a house first, then saying that we could barely afford the mortgage and that with the cost of having children we should wait until we had more money. Then he claimed that we had no family nearby and that he wouldn’t have time to spend on a child until his job became less demanding.

I accepted all his reasons at the time, until I realized it would never happen. But now I’m 45 and I’m angry because my chance to be a mother is gone. Some of my friends say it’s not too late to meet someone and have a baby, but I know that’s unrealistic. So now I’m single, childless – and devastated that I’ll never be a mother.

My ex says he still loves me and didn’t want to break up. I think he even feels guilty. Most of the time I feel like I can never forgive him. However, I’m so lonely that I’m thinking about taking him back. I’m mad at myself for not realizing sooner that he wouldn’t change, but I loved him.

A I understand how devastating this is for you. Sadly, it is unlikely that you will have children now and this is a loss. Even if you were to meet someone soon and, against all odds, fall pregnant, it would not be easy. Having children later in life can have consequences. That child could lose their parent or have to care for them in their 30s. And while it is one thing to care for elderly parents in your 50s, it would be a different story at such a young age (perhaps with the added stress of toddlers of their own).

It’s understandable that you miss your ex, so imagine if you gave him the benefit of the doubt and saw his concerns as legitimate – like that he was genuinely worried about how you would cope financially – then your anger might subside. However, you could also argue that he manipulated you to stay in the relationship. He let you down, so if you got back together, you’d probably hate him.

Try not to be angry with yourself though. Ending a relationship when you love someone is always hard and the only ‘mistake’ you made was hoping he would change. It can help if you connect with others in similar situations: readers have recommended gateway-women.com as an excellent resource for those who are involuntarily childless.

Does her boyfriend have to sleep over at her place every weekend?

Q Our youngest daughter, who is 16, has a new boyfriend and they seem inseparable. They are both fun and energetic, but can also be noisy and messy. This drives our eldest daughter crazy. She is 18, quiet and living at home on her gap year. Our youngest daughter’s boyfriend is the same age as our eldest but seems much younger. He stays with us every weekend because, ironically, he says it is too noisy in his own house – he is one of four brothers. Our eldest wants the house to be quiet, but I worry that I will upset her sister, who can be volatile, if I ask her to spend more time with her boyfriend.

A It’s hard on your oldest daughter now that she has two younger siblings filling the house with noise and clutter. Naturally, you’re torn between wanting to help her find some peace and quiet and being wary of your youngest daughter’s moods. It’s best to bite the bullet and talk to her (and her boyfriend) about being more considerate. Set some gentle boundaries and make sure they leave common areas like bathrooms and the kitchen tidy.

You could also explain that while they may find it noisy at their boyfriend’s house, you also find it noisy when they are at your house all the time. Suggest that they sleep over at least one night every two weeks. Don’t let them know that the complaint came from your older daughter, because you don’t want her to take the blame. Support her by listening. Sometimes she may need to vent her frustrations to you. She may even be jealous that her younger sister has a boyfriend while she doesn’t.

If you have a problem, please write to Caroline West-Meads at YOU, 9 Derry Street, London W8 5HY, or email c.west-meads@mailonsunday.co.uk. You can follow Caroline on X @Ask_Caroline_

Caroline reads all your letters, but regrets that she cannot answer each letter personally.