DEAR CAROLINE: After 40 years of marriage, I still think about my first true love every single day – and the devastating phone call that finished our relationship
Q In my youth I met a girl who was the love of my life, but we couldn’t make it work and broke up. But I couldn’t forget her, and after a few years I called her. When we met, she told me she always felt like we had something special and she fell for me again. Even though she was seeing someone, it didn’t work out and we started dating. But one night while we were out, she was told that her boyfriend had tried to commit suicide and she ran away to be with him. I never saw or heard from her again and later learned that she had moved abroad.
After a few years I got her address and wrote explaining how I still felt. She responded that our relationship was all part of growing up and that although it was difficult for her to express it, if I read between the lines I would know what she meant.
Over time I married someone else. We have been together for over 40 years and have children and grandchildren. But now that I’m sixty, I’ve thought about my old love every day of my marriage. My feelings, which are more intense than ever, give me periods of depression and I often consider contacting her again.
A I’m sorry this is making you feel so down. First loves often leave a powerful impression on us because they are our first experience of romantic euphoria. However, your feelings for her are not healthy. Sometimes this is called ‘limerence’: a crush that is overwhelming, but does not necessarily return.
First love can also be a fantasy. You had all the hopes and dreams of a future, but without the worries and responsibilities. Having the luxury of looking into each other’s eyes and staying up all night talking is very different from, say, worrying about a sick child or dealing with a broken dishwasher, as you might do in a long-term marriage.
Because it ended so abruptly, the relationship was never resolved, leaving those heady early days of passion still dominating your thoughts. It’s sad that you spent forty years – your entire marriage – thinking about her, and it must be painful for you to long for her. But for your wife it is even sadder; You don’t say how you feel about her, but I wonder if this desire has kept you from fully investing in your marriage.
Your depression may be related to a feeling of regret about the direction of your life, contrary to what you had hoped it would be. So maybe your feelings for this woman are not just a longing for her, but also a sadness for your younger self.
Never tell your wife that you have been thinking about your first love all this time. However, I think you need to talk to someone, so talk to your GP about the depression and also try counseling at bacp.co.uk or betterhelp.com.
Can a medium help me process my grief?
Q My mother passed away a little over a year ago. She was 86 and in poor health. I’m 60 and feel like I need to get over losing her, but I was so close to her that I can’t stop thinking about the unfairness of everything she suffered in life.
My father was an alcoholic and I remember terrible arguments growing up. I don’t think he ever hit her, but she became withdrawn and lacked self-confidence. My father died twenty years ago, which gave her some relief, but she remained unhappy.
Ever since my mother died, I keep crying and wishing I could see her again. A friend recommended a medium who, she said, brought messages from her father and this helped her find peace.
However, I don’t believe in it.
A I don’t think a medium is what you need. You grieve not only for your mother, but also for yourself and the happy childhood you never had – something that many people may take for granted, but unfortunately not everyone experiences.
It must have been difficult to see your mother’s continued grief after your father’s death, and it had a profound effect on you. I hope you were able to break the pattern (sometimes children whose parents have a difficult relationship can be drawn to repeating the familiar). You may also have felt powerless to make your mother happy, but this is too much responsibility to put on yourself.
Counseling, perhaps in the long term, could help you process these emotions, so please try the tools in the letter above. You should also see your doctor because I think you may be suffering from depression.