Q My husband and I have been happily married for almost 40 years and have two children in our 30s. While our daughter is in a loving marriage and has two little ones, our son is still single. He’s had a few relationships, usually short-lived, and although he always says he’s “madly in love” at first, they never last.
To be honest, most of his girlfriends seemed a bit boring to us. The only one we really liked – who was with him for almost three years – finally told us after she left that he would never commit. She really wanted children, but he didn’t, and she knew he would never change his mind. They have remained friends and she is now married with small children. Our son even visits her and the children sometimes, and has become something of an uncle figure – he is also a good uncle to his sister’s children. I think he must regret not staying with this girlfriend.
However, he insists he doesn’t want the responsibility or expense of children, although he does say he would like a partner. He has quite a career and often takes short-term contracts abroad. He seems to thrive on the excitement of constantly being in a new situation. However, I fear that in the long run he will regret not having children and will have a lonely old age if he cannot commit.
A I sympathize with you, but you should try to let go of the fear for your son’s future because it will only cause you stress. Yes, he may feel some sadness that his relationship with his ex has ended because he seems very fond of her. However, that doesn’t mean he regrets his decision, because in the end they wanted different things.
For so many people, the urge to have children is strong, but this is not the case for everyone. Please be honest with yourself and ask how much of this concerns your son being lonely in old age (long gone!) or partly to do with your own desire for more grandchildren.
It sounds like he’s a bit addicted to romance, falling madly in love at first and then the interest fades when he realizes they’re not the perfect woman of his imagination. There is some immaturity here. I suspect your son is full of charm and has always found it easy to attract women. This, combined with the problem of internet dating – that there is always someone new along the way – may have contributed to this reluctance to commit. I’d be concerned if I thought this meant he wasn’t treating women well, but since he’s still good friends with his ex, hopefully that’s not the case.
Try to relax. He is a kind uncle, a loving son and a good friend. As long as he is not dissatisfied, the partner can come along when your son is ready.
IS SHE EXPLOITING OUR ELDERLY MOTHER?
Q I’m tired of my sister taking advantage of our mother’s kindness. My sister married late and has children under ten, while mine are adults. She lives near our mother and she and her husband still ask her to babysit and pick up the kids from school three times a week, which is too much. My widowed mother is in reasonably good health but is 79, and my sister forgets this.
I asked Mom how she felt about being so involved and she admitted that she would like to do less. I urged her to tell my sister about this, but she doesn’t want to upset her. They haven’t always had the easiest relationship. I would talk to my sister myself, but I know she would just be defensive.
A Your sister is clearly treading rough ground and yes, unfortunately it sounds like she would view any approach to you as an attack. However, since your mother hasn’t had the easiest relationship with her, it’s understandable that she wouldn’t want to rock the boat if it would affect her bond with her grandchildren. She may also be concerned about ‘giving in’ to old age. When older adults give up their normal activities, they may feel anxious or depressed because they are no longer useful. But I do think you’re right to protect her a little.
So maybe just tell your sister (or her husband, if he’s easier) that your mom seems tired these days and that you’re worried about her. This will sow the seeds for a more direct approach if necessary. In the meantime, continue to help your mother build her confidence by telling your sister it’s too much. If nothing changes, you may need to talk to your sister more directly about your concerns.