Q I am 59 and have recently discovered that I have contracted a sexually transmitted infection (fortunately treatable and I am recovering). I feel stupid and ashamed because it could be one of the two men.
I lost a lot of trust after my husband left me for another woman three years ago. I had gained so much weight that he said he didn’t like me anymore. It was the worst time of my life, but it gave me the impetus to get in shape. So I changed my diet, started strength training and yoga, and lost three stone. It was wonderful to feel attractive again – and to get attention from men – and it went to my head.
I started a relationship with a guy from the gym, which was short-lived because he turned out to have other women. But at the same time I also had a one night stand when I went on holiday with friends. The problem is that I have no idea which man gave me the STD. I wouldn’t know how to contact the second guy, but I do know to tell the guy at the gym, both for his sake and to avoid the risk of spreading. I would never have behaved like this in the past and I’m so ashamed of it. I’m also afraid he’ll be angry.
A I’m relieved to hear that your sexually transmitted disease is treatable, as STDs can be very serious and even fatal. It must be physically uncomfortable, frightening and disturbing. But there’s no need to feel embarrassed or ashamed.
Unfortunately, STDs in Britain are still on the rise (UKHSA estimates put the number at around 400,000 reported cases in 2023, a five percent increase on the previous year) and a not insignificant number of these are from the older generation. Unfortunately, because there can be a stigma surrounding sex and people over 50, people often don’t discuss their sexual health with a potential partner. Women who have reached the age of pregnancy after divorce may also not consider the other risks of unprotected sex. You are only guilty of naivety. However, there is nothing morally wrong with what you did.
Women are allowed to enjoy sex and you needed that boost to your self-esteem – to feel wanted again. That said, it’s important to protect yourself both emotionally and physically. While some people may enjoy casual sex – at the risk of sounding old-fashioned, I think this applies especially to men – women may find that a lack of emotional connection leaves them feeling empty. As for the guy in the gym, he has no right to be angry; it’s much more likely that he gave the STD to you, since he had multiple partners. So, muster up the courage to tell him calmly, to protect other women. I hope he will be responsible and tell his partners.
Why doesn’t his daughter accept our relationship?
Q I got divorced five years ago after finally leaving my controlling, unfaithful husband. For a long time I was nervous about starting a new relationship, but now I have fallen for a colleague. He is a kind and sweet man whose wife died five years ago and we had been office friends for years.
However, his 14-year-old daughter is furious that her father is dating again. I had met her a few times (before we got together) and she was always sweet. But now she says it’s disgusting that her father sees me, that he must have always had a crush on me and that it’s a betrayal of her mother. I don’t want to end it, but her anger is so disturbing. Her father tries to support us both, but she won’t listen. His son, 11, has no problems with me.
A It sounds like your potential stepdaughter still grieves deeply for her mother and might hate anyone her father had a relationship with. She clearly believes that he always really wanted you, even when her mother was alive, and that she is not old enough to understand that this is not the way relationships develop.
This problem will take time, love and patience – but don’t give up. Her anger is particularly hard on you because you had to constantly confront your ex’s behavior. You may need support with this through counseling (see bacp.co.uk). It’s hard to lose a mother at such a young age and your memory of her will be much stronger than your partner’s son (who was only six). Maybe seeing you with her father brings back strong memories and she needs more help coping with her grief. So please contact the wonderful grieving children’s charity winstonswish.org for support.