DEAR CAROLINE: I am not coping with my husband’s dementia

Q I am 76 and my partner who is 74 has Parkinson’s and dementia plus other medical problems. We have no family apart from his older sister who has never been to our home. I can’t cope and have arranged for him to spend a week in a care home but I feel guilty.

Sometimes he is bright and charming, although he seems to think I a caregiver. He sometimes forgets that we live in our house and thinks he has one somewhere else.

When he is in that mood he is obnoxious and accuses me of lying. He also acts weird about money even though he has plenty and definitely more than I do. Every month we put money into our joint account for groceries etc but he hates spending money and I have to remind him to do it. I have power of attorney for finances so I could move his money myself but he wouldn’t be happy about it. How do I handle this?

a This is very difficult for you.

I know people struggle with the decision to put a spouse or partner in a care home, even for a break. It can also remind them of their own stage in life and that can be hard to face. Plus, the change can feel lonely when a partner goes into a care home.

Try not to feel guilty though. Caring for someone with both Parkinson’s and dementia is too much for one person to handle, and I suspect you’ve been struggling with this for a long time. You sound exhausted and overwhelmed, and you’ll probably find that a week is not enough of a respite.

It can make you realize how limited your life has become.

If you remain the sole caregiver, it will likely take a huge toll on your mental and physical health, so it’s time to consider getting a lot more help. Part-time or live-in caregivers in your home, or even a permanent place in a care home are options to consider.

Dementia sufferers often become fixated on money, thinking they don’t have enough, even when there is enough. However, it is difficult to know exactly at what stage you should act for them, as the loss of mental capacity is gradual. This would involve taking over your partner’s bank accounts and, from what you say, it sounds like he has reached this stage. You are clearly acting in his best interests and need to be able to pay his bills and groceries, so you need to have access to his money.

Contact the Alzheimer’s Society Dementia Support Line (0333 150 3456) for advice on how to cope.

You should also ask what happens if you need to make important decisions about his health in the future. Unfortunately, the views of registered partners are often not taken into account, even if a couple has been together for years, unless you also have a power of attorney for health and welfare.

How do I make him leave his cheating girlfriend?

Q My son is 25 and although he is quite shy he has had a couple of romances in college, each lasting a few months. For eight months he has been seeing a young woman he met at work who seemed nice.

But recently he got angry and admitted that she cheated on him. Apparently it’s not the first time. I’m so angry that I want to confront her, but I know I can’t. What’s even more troubling is that my son seems to have forgiven her. He says he loves her and knows she’s out of his league (she’s exceptionally beautiful), but I know for sure she will hurt him again. How can I convince him to end this relationship?

a This is upsetting for your son and therefore for you. Since his girlfriend has cheated on him more than once, I suspect she is not committed to this relationship, so in the long run she will probably end it anyway, even if he doesn’t. However, it would be nice if he could be helped to see that he doesn’t have to accept being treated badly.

He may think she’s out of his league, but because he’s young, he may be too influenced by her physical appearance. You probably can’t “talk” him out of it – he can make that decision on his own – but you can help him understand that this relationship isn’t right for him.

You are right not to criticize or confront her openly. So ask him about her gently: ask light and subtle questions and ask if he thinks she makes him happy. If he can see that she doesn’t, he will hopefully have more doubts about this relationship. Supporting him and building his self-confidence is all you can do now.

If you have a problem, please write to Caroline West-Meads at YOU, 9 Derry Street, London W8 5HY, or email c.west-meads@mailonsunday.co.uk. You can follow Caroline on X/Twitter @Question_Caroline_

Caroline reads all your letters, but she regrets that she cannot answer them all personally.