Q I am a 64 year old man – retired, life going smoothly, children, grandchildren – who has been married, mostly happily, for over thirty years. However, I recently got the shock of my life when a new member showed up at our golf club. She is a woman I dated over forty years ago – before my marriage, I’m happy to say.
But I have to admit, I was pretty awful to her at the time. She wasn’t the only woman I saw. I could blame it on youth and stupidity, but I was actually quite heartless.
A family tragedy and time have made me a better person since then. So far I don’t think this woman recognized me, and if she did, she didn’t say anything.
I want to apologize to her, but I’m afraid this will open a can of worms. Should I keep quiet?
a Your former flame may react in different ways. She could be happy with an apology for being treated so poorly. Or maybe she’s offended because you think you’re important enough to have had that impact on her life.
Perhaps she prefers to let sleeping villains lie. You do have someone you can ask about this: your wife. I know it’s embarrassing and this past relationship doesn’t show you in a good light, but like you say, you’re a better person now. And talking about difficult topics with a partner is an important part of a relationship.
So ask her advice. What would she think if she were this woman?
It’s unlikely that the last one didn’t recognize you, so if she doesn’t bring it up, maybe you shouldn’t either. If she does, an apology may be in order, but not one where you assume you broke her heart.
My son died and now Mother’s Day is so painful for me
Q I lost my only son in 2017 due to illness at the age of 30. Now Mother’s Day is one of the worst days of the year for me.
We had a very close bond; his father left when he was three and it was always just the two of us. Since my son’s death, I often feel lost and empty, and Mother’s Day reinforces those feelings. I feel bombarded by TV ads and store displays.
I had some guidance from Marie Curie when my son died (which helped) and sometimes I feel better able to cope, but the run up to this day always takes me back to square one.
My son and I were close, so his death has left me lost and empty
My best friend, who is so supportive, asked if it would help to have lunch with her and her daughter this year. Her daughter was good friends with my son and I have remained close to her as well.
She had a baby a few weeks ago and they were wondering if it would be useful to be in a new life. It’s a kind gesture and I know she and her daughter would use it wisely – and that they’ll understand if I don’t feel like it.
Part of me wants to accept it because I know I have to find a way to get through that day, but I’m not sure if that would make things better or worse.
a I’m so sorry about your son’s death. Losing a child is perhaps the worst pain you can imagine.
Anniversaries and special occasions are particularly difficult for the relatives. It can be similar for widows/widowers on occasions such as Valentine’s Day or other people’s wedding anniversary parties.
And, as you say, it’s not easy when such venues become heavily commercialized.
Yes, it might help if you have lunch with your friend and her daughter. They sound kind and sensitive and since they both knew your son and were close to him, it could be a good way to remind him and acknowledge that you are still a real mother too.
It’s not easy when such places are heavily commercialized
New life can help. However, it can just as easily highlight your own loss – so if you accept it, make sure they are prepared for you to burst into tears or leave suddenly. In the longer term, I’m glad you had guidance and that it was helpful, but remember that grief is not linear; it ebbs and flows and sometimes reemerges with unexpected force.
There are clearly other losses here too – different kinds. For example, you have been without a partner for a long time and I wonder if this is because you were too afraid of getting hurt again after your husband left.
Sadness will have exacerbated your sense of loneliness. So please contact Marie Curie again on 0800 090 2309 for further assistance. You can be linked to a specially trained telephone volunteer who will provide you with regular support during the grieving process, so that you can find a way out of such an unbearable loss.
If you have a problem, please write to Caroline West-Meads at YOU, 9 Derry Street, London W8 5HY, or email c.west-meads@mailonsunday.co.uk. You can follow Caroline on X/Twitter @Ask_Caroline_. Caroline reads all your letters, but regrets that she cannot answer them all personally