Dear Caroline: My 17-year-old daughter stole her best friend’s boyfriend. What do I do?
Q The way my 17 year old daughter treated one of her best friends has upset me. My daughter was challenging as a teenager, moody and sometimes rude. However, now she has crossed a line by stealing her best friend’s boyfriend. He had been with this girl for a few months and my daughter dismissed him as arrogant. But he looks good and I think that’s what got her attention. She has only had one short relationship, with a man who cheated on her. Apparently my daughter and her friend’s boyfriend got together at a party when they were both drunk and now they’re an item.
Her former friend, whom I adore, is devastated and says she will never speak to my daughter again. Since this move has made her unpopular, I worry that she will also be ostracized by other people. I also don’t know how to talk to her boyfriend when he is at our house. I’ve met him before as part of my daughter’s friendship group and he seemed fine, although I shared her previous opinion that he was arrogant. I told my daughter that I don’t approve of their relationship, but I’m not sure if she told him that. While I don’t condone their behavior, I don’t feel like I can banish him from the house.
A I understand how annoying and upsetting this is for you. I agree with you about crossing a line. I’ve always felt that dating a friend’s ex seems like infidelity, but “stealing” a friend’s partner is a terrible betrayal. If they were truly in love and this relationship turned out to be lasting, then perhaps there would be more justification, but that’s not likely. I’m afraid your daughter will get hurt because he will leave her for someone else just like he left her friend. It is difficult to understand why she behaved this way, especially since she had experienced the pain of having deceived herself. I hate to blame her youth because so many young people are nice, but sometimes teenagers can be selfish and make irrational decisions. I suspect that underlying everything is uncertainty and unhappiness. Maybe she had to prove to herself that she could get the hot boyfriend to boost her self-esteem. Unfortunately, it probably won’t be until she gets her heart broken that she will regret what she did and realize how much she misses her friend. In the meantime, you are right to share how angry you are because it is important for her to receive the message that we should not hurt others. However, for now you can only accept the relationship, so treat it normally. It is important not to alienate your daughter because she will need you when the inevitable happens. Chatting with him probably won’t be a problem for long!
Is her heart still with her ex?
Q I am a man in my late forties. My 14 year marriage ended a little over a year ago due to my wife’s affair. I started seeing a younger woman and thought maybe I could fall in love again. However, she was also previously in a long-term relationship. Her partner left her just before their wedding and a friend of hers told me she was devastated at the time. I have now heard that this man thinks he has made a big mistake and therefore wants her back. I also found out that she has been in contact with him, but she says he is no longer important to her. I’m wondering if I should walk away because I have a feeling she will go back to him, if not now, then one day.
A This is complicated. Naturally, you will struggle to regain trust after your wife’s affair and the damage it has done to your marriage. So it’s a matter of disconnecting this from your girlfriend’s behavior.
I’m afraid you’re saying you found out she’s been in contact with her ex. If she didn’t volunteer the information, this could be a red flag that she isn’t being open with you – which is so important if a relationship is to work. Ask her to be honest. She needs to understand how much pain you have suffered because of your wife’s infidelity and that it would be unfair to you if she allowed you to stay while she made a decision about whether or not to return to this man.
Sometimes it’s fine for people to remain friends with their exes, but in this case it wouldn’t be unreasonable for you to ask her to end contact. If she doesn’t, it could indicate that she isn’t ready for a committed relationship with you.