Dear Bowser, your princess is in THIS castle

i entered The Super Mario Bros. movie without much of an opinion about Bowser as a character, and I came out a different woman.

I knew he was the big bad guy and he wanted to kidnap Princess Peach, but that was about it. Most of my familiarity with Mario comes from Mario Party and Mario Kart games, which are mostly about having fun with friends in a local multiplayer environment, not diving into the lore of the Mushroom Kingdom. Going into the movie, I expected Bowser to be that same big bad guy – and to some extent I was right.

But The Super Mario Bros. movie Bowser’s version isn’t just the king of the Koopas who selfishly wants to kidnap a princess – in fact, he’s deeply in love with her and thinks she’s just the coolest, prettiest girl in the world. With the voice of Bowser, Jack Black masterfully switches back and forth between the conquering emperor and an anxious dude who just wants his crush to notice him. Not only does he nervously rehearse his marriage proposal with his Magikoopa advisor Kamek, he also writes her an entire song at the piano, singing “Peaches, Peaches, Peaches, Peaches, Peaches,” in the same improvisational fashion I use when I make up on the spot songs about my cat. Underneath that formidable and powerful exterior is a clumsy, shy personality that blushes whenever his crush does something cute.

In short, dear reader, this version of Bowser has won my heart.

I know people have traditionally been thirsty for Bowser as long as they could draw and share horny fan art. I get the long-standing fascination with the sexy potential of rogues. I understand. But at the same time, I never really resonated with it, because the Mario games didn’t necessarily seem capable of fueling shipping cravings. There’s no real romantic potential in it, and that’s fine.

But now I’m finally getting the whole idea of ​​Bowser thirst. I see the Koopa, it’s behind the gruff, rough exterior. And what a cute, sweet Koopa she is! I would hug Bowser too.

So, dear Bowser – specifically The Super Mario Bros. movie (2023) Bowser as played by Jack Black – please know that while Princess Peach may not accept your hand in marriage, Princess Petrana most certainly will. I am not turned off by your desire to conquer the world. In fact, that’s a bonus for me. I’ll gladly rule by your side, as long as you promise to serenade me and hold my hand as we conquer the world.

The new Mario movie version of Bowser isn’t just a capable leader – he’s got a sensitive side too! Yeah, OK, maybe he’s not taking rejection as maturely as he should, but at the same time, I think Peach is making quick judgments about his proposal without fully thinking it through. She judges Bowser based on his looks and some prejudices! No wonder he ends up snapping. He is insecure!

It doesn’t matter, because her loss is my gain. After all, I romanticized Garrus Vakarian in Mass Effect, so the fact that Bowser is a big, scaly reptilian man is a bonus to me. I recognize that some work needs to be put into this relationship, but at the same time, I think I can fix it. All the elements are there – the dedication, the sensitivity, the power. Like my other relatively recent villainous crush, Namor, Bowser has tremendous strength and ambition, but he still has a softer side. He just needs to tap into it a bit more. We can work on it together.

I’d also look cool and sexy as a Supreme Empress over Bowser’s kingdom and surrounding domains, but that’s a story for another time. Peach can stay on as a figurehead in the Mushroom Kingdom, but let’s be honest: it’s not like she’s done much as a ruler, other than being very good at an obstacle course.

(For what it’s worth, I asked my husband what he thinks of my proposed arrangement with Bowser. He replied, “No comment.”)

Bowser (specifically this Bowser in this movie), consider this my official application for Princess of the Koopas, and your bride-to-be. I await your reply and practice my platforming skills.

The Super Mario Bros. movie is in theaters now.