SAUCY SECRETS: I did the ‘unthinkable’ after my best friend left her birthday party. Now I am keeping a huge secret from her – do I say anything?

Dear Jana,

A month ago, at a good friend’s birthday party, things took an unexpected turn. She ended up getting quite drunk and left early. I found myself talking to her crush, *Jake. What started as a casual conversation quickly turned into a connection, and we ended up going home together that evening. We both felt an undeniable spark, but in the spirit of loyalty, we agreed to keep things secret.

Fast forward to today, and we can’t seem to stop talking! We text nonstop and I really think there is something special between us, but I’m torn. I don’t want to hurt my girlfriend, especially because I know how much she loves him. It feels unfair to keep this a secret, but what if *Jake is ‘the one’ for me?

What should I do? Should I end things with Jake for the sake of our friendship, or is there a way to get through this without losing either of them?

Thanks for your help!

Kuslla

Dear Cushla,

Ah, the classic ‘friendship versus infatuation’ conundrum! I was in a similar situation not too long ago, and it made me feel like a dirty, rotten villain. But… I’m going to say something that may not be popular, but it’s true: you should choose the guy over your friend.

Here’s why: As we get older, we discover how tricky it can be to find a real match. Unfortunately, they don’t only grow on trees. While friends come and go, we don’t often get the chance to experience true romantic love. So if it comes your way, I think you should really go for it.

Let’s face it: chances are your friend will be upset for a while, but he doesn’t belong to her. Sheesh, if I called all my crushes I’d fight everyone!

Of course we’ve all heard the saying ‘sisters before sir’, blah blah blah. That’s fine if you don’t mind the risk of becoming a spinster, but you need to think about what you want in the long term. Yes, it sucks that your boyfriend likes him, but it sounds like the feeling isn’t mutual.

I remember a similar situation when I was in college. Guess what? The “evil” friend is now married with three kids with the guy our other friend thought “stole” him.

So, what do you do? Here’s a plan: have a heart-to-heart with Jake. Tell him you feel conflicted and see if he thinks there is potential for something long term, or if this is just a flirtation. If he wants to investigate things further, I hate to say it, but you should tell your friend.

Sit her down, pour her a large glass of wine (large!) and frame it carefully. Tell her you’ve developed feelings for Jake, but emphasize how much you appreciate her and your friendship. If she’s a true friend, she’ll appreciate your honesty, even if it stings a little at first.

Honestly, soap operas have nothing to do with real life dramas!

Dear Jana,

I have worked hard on my career and now earn a good salary. I recently rejoined the dating apps after a long hiatus and I’m matching with guys who make a lot less money than me. It gives me the creeps. Where can you find men who are single and make good money? I really don’t want to date.

Anonymously

Dear anonymous,

Take that money, honey! But unfortunately that’s where my support stops.

What you’re focusing on is ridiculous. You prioritize what they bring to your joint bank account, rather than what they bring to your heart.

Girl, shouldn’t you be going on dates and collecting data like: How does this guy make me feel? Is he attentive, smart and kind? And certainly, does he give me those ‘fanny flutters’?

There’s something weird about YOU. Trying to look for guys with a lot of money is kind of gross.

Sure, I understand why driven men might be seen as a catch, but if your criteria is strictly ‘make good money’, you’ll be competing with young supermodels, influencers and gold diggers.

Thanks to your own personal goals and drive, you are prepared for a comfortable life. Well done! So how about changing your mindset and finding someone who makes you feel loved and cherished, not just well-nourished?

You’d hate to find out that men only date you for the money, so I’m afraid it goes both ways. Change your priorities, girl. I know many fantastically successful women who have “gone out of date,” and what they got in return are wonderfully healthy relationships.

Dear Jana,

I got married a few weeks ago and it was the best day of my life. The Hens party, the run-up, the actual day. I have never been the center of attention, and there was a special moment when I felt so seen. I’m legitimately having a hard time being out of the spotlight now. How do I get that same kick without becoming a show pony or narcissist? Is it me who felt down after their wedding day?

Sara

Dear Sara,

Oh, how addictive the spotlight can be! I remember waking up the day after my recent birthday party and thinking, “Oh, that’s it?” Months of organizing the perfect outfit, the perfect playlist, a curated guest list, and speeches that made me feel like a million bucks – all leading to a brief moment of celebration, and then back to reality. Boring.

There’s a reason why big sports stars get the blues at the end of their careers, when the applause and god-like status fade. They are confronted with the reality of a normal life – a life that does not involve being adored or celebrated. I’ve worked with many of them over the years, and it’s no fun to see them fall out of favor. They soon discover that there is always a younger, fitter player ready to take their place once the aging process begins. Or, in your case, another wedding to celebrate.

The fall from that great pedestal on which we have placed ourselves can be cruel!

So no, it’s not just you; we all experience the “Where’s my spotlight?” syndrome at some point. It sounds like you should pick up a hobby that guarantees attention. I’m thinking stand-up comedy, karaoke or public speaking – whatever drives you! Make sure it’s something you can show off without needing a full entourage.

It also seems like you know how to throw a good party, so why not find excuses to throw more? Start planning a crazy Christmas party or get a head start on your next birthday. Having events to look forward to – especially ones you can organize yourself – might just be the trick to shaking off those blues.

Can I come?