Here’s how to date a man in therapy (and the one red flag you must avoid) by someone who’s done it

When my boyfriend broke up with me so bluntly – in public – I was shocked. Not because I’ve been dumped so many times – it happens to all of us – but because I never dreamed that this particular man would do it so brutally.

After all, he was a big fan of talking about feelings and emotional intelligence, in fact, he was in therapy.

“But… I thought therapy was supposed to make people… nicer?” I asked pitifully. This didn’t feel good at all.

That was back when being “in therapy” was something you shared only with those closest to you, or at least kept private until you went on a few dates with a new love. Now, however, it has become a badge of honor for dating.

According to dating app Hinge, 84 percent of UK users would rather date someone who is in therapy. Tinder reports that 75 percent of users are more attracted to people who are working on their emotional well-being. Hopeful users of these apps often proudly list in their dating profiles that they are “in therapy,” and reviewing what you’ve learned in sessions is now common fodder for first dates.

Research from the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy found that almost a third of adults have sought talking therapy in the past 12 months – more than ever before.

So what’s the truth about dating someone who’s in therapy?

“While individual therapy can be very helpful for the partner participating in it, it can also be challenging for the other partner,” says Dr. Limor Gottlieb, a sex and relationship psychologist (drlimorgottlieb.comTherapy can uncover unresolved issues that are affecting the relationship, leading to periods of instability or intense self-reflection that the partner may find difficult to cope with.

“It is crucial to give someone in therapy the space and time to process the difficult emotions of old wounds, without taking it personally.”

I’ve dated men at various stages of the process (and been to therapy myself), and my experience tells me it’s complicated. And most of the time, it’s not you, it’s them.

Here’s my guide – with some help from an expert – to avoiding the pitfalls of dating a man in therapy…

Beware of a man who talks about therapy but doesn’t want to go there

Nowadays, being “in therapy” is generally considered a good thing, as it indicates a man who is not afraid to be vulnerable.

“Anything that improves our emotional stability is likely to improve our relationship,” says Toby Ingham, a psychotherapist based near Oxford (tobyingham.com). ‘Therapy can help a man gain clarity about the things that have cast a shadow over his life, such as deaths, divorces, breakups or betrayals.’

But beware of the trendy types who say they’ve “always wanted to try it” but never actually got around to it. This is the equivalent of the guy who says he’s a “feminist” but gaslights his girlfriend.

At worst, this man is terrified of real emotions. At best, he is lazy.

A man I dated was in his late 30s when we met, and he had understood for over 20 years that he really needed to work on some deep issues. But he never did. Instead, he saw himself as a victim and blamed others for everything that happened to him.

Stay away from it in the initial stages

I know from personal experience that therapy is not a fun process. Before there is relief and lifting of some weight, there are tears and anger and a lot of questions. Who wants to relive the worst moments of their life?

The overwhelming nature of this can cause people to feel like they need to be alone, or become extremely irritated with their significant other. For a partner, it can mean living on eggshells – or even being dumped for something small that would normally not have been a problem.

“If someone starts therapy early in a relationship, they may realize that they need to focus solely on their personal issues, which can lead to a breakup,” Dr. Gottlieb explains. “It’s not uncommon for people to feel like they need space to work on themselves without the added complexity of a relationship. This can be difficult, but is ultimately beneficial if it leads to healthier outcomes for both partners. It’s important for partners to be understanding, patient, and provide space, and most importantly, not take it personally.”

That’s what happened to me. My heart was broken so he could protect himself from pain. And I’m afraid I took it personally. My advice? Think twice before getting involved with someone who is just starting the therapy process.

Check his therapist

Not all therapists are created equal. Find out what methods your partner’s therapist uses—and how often they have sessions.

Some counselors offer cheaper rates if you agree to see them more often than normal (a typical appointment is once a week for 50 minutes). This intensity helps their development, but not necessarily someone else’s.

Another guy I dated was in talk therapy several times a week, and it had made him so self-absorbed that he could barely stop talking about himself long enough to make eye contact. Every sentence felt like he was in therapy: “I… I… I…”

After we broke up, I always wondered if he would have been as self-centered if he had just made out with him for an hour a week—and if that would have made us more likely to stay together.

Dr. Gottlieb says, “Being in therapy does not automatically make someone a better or easier partner than someone who is not. Therapy can sometimes reveal narcissistic tendencies, especially if the person becomes overly self-absorbed or uses therapy as a way to justify harmful behavior.”

Don’t trust a man who quotes his therapist

There needs to be some wiggle room at first, granted, because talking about (often) traumatic issues can be a horrible, all-consuming experience. But no one wants to sound like one of those Americans who’s been in therapy since they were 15 and constantly quotes their “psychologist.”

Don’t force him to tell you what they’re talking about

“Try to remember that therapy is a confidential conversation, and it’s hard for a lot of people to talk about it with others,” Mr. Ingham explains. “Try to give him space to work through his issues without being too intrusive. You both need space to be yourselves. Try not to worry about him talking to someone else instead of you.”

Dr. Gottlieb adds that it’s also helpful to be aware of red flags. “If one partner seems to be focusing too much on the same topic without making any progress, this could indicate an unresolved issue that could be negatively affecting the relationship.”

Find a man who is done with therapy – for now

Most therapists themselves agree that most of us can benefit from taking breaks from their services. The happy medium is a man who has been in therapy, has taken a break – but remains open to the idea of ​​working on himself more in the future.

Dr. Gottlieb says, “Long-term therapy without a clear goal may indicate a dependency on the therapeutic process, while short-term, goal-oriented therapy may indicate a proactive approach to problem solving. Both approaches have their merits, but it is crucial that the partner understands and supports their loved one’s therapeutic journey while maintaining their own emotional well-being.”

Find a man who listens like a therapist

During my own sessions I began to wonder whether dating a psychotherapist or counsellor would be cheaper than paying £45-£70 for a weekly appointment. After all, there were plenty of them on the dating apps.

Ultimately, I may have found that a little odd, but I went looking for a man with some of the qualities I would value in a therapist.

I am currently in the best relationship I have ever had, and I am sure part of that is because he is a good listener, protective in the right way, and wants to understand me and my past so that our future together can be better. He is also calm and non-judgmental.

“It makes sense that women are attracted to men in therapy because it signals a commitment to personal growth, emotional intelligence, self-awareness, and healthy communication,” Dr. Gottlieb explains.

“When it comes to dating a man in therapy, it’s all about finding the right balance between open communication and respecting his privacy. It’s also important to be supportive and acknowledge his progress without overstepping the mark or taking on the role of therapist. Therapy is a journey, so women shouldn’t expect drastic or overnight changes.”