It’s no secret that couples with children are more likely to divorce than couples without children.
But family law expert Cassandra Kalpaxis says this doesn’t have to be the case, and in fact, there are proven ways to keep your marriage safe from divorce and get through the “danger zones” where couples are most likely to throw in the towel.
While every divorce is different, there are two critical vulnerabilities for any marriage with children: when the children are small, and when they leave home or finish school.
But regardless of when the relationship ends, one thing remains the same in most cases: bOther parties feel alienated, as if they are married to a stranger.
“They have been busy raising children, working and keeping life in order,” Cassandra, a 37-year-old lawyer who has been working with families since 2011, told FEMAIL.
“And while they’re busy looking the other way and putting all their love and effort into their children, emotional detachment creeps into their marriage.”
Cassandra says most of her clients admit they’re married to a complete stranger — and the number of children they share doesn’t seem to affect the outcome.
She has guided many couples through the divorce process and this is her expert advice on the best way to keep a marriage happy and intact.
It’s no secret that people with children are more likely to get divorced than those without children – but according to family law expert Cassandra Kalpaxis, that doesn’t have to be the case
1. Date nights at home
Cassandra says the key to keeping a family together is for both partners to put the same energy into their relationships with each other as they do into their children..
“It’s about committing to understanding, ‘Yes, we’re parents, but we’re also partners.’ You need to invest in the marriage the same way [you do] in children.’
This is of course easier said than done. Kids can be extremely demanding on your time and date nights are expensive, especially when babysitters are added to the mix.
Cassandra’s solution is to have weekly date nights and, if necessary, keep them indoors. Yes, dinner in front of the TV may not sound as romantic as a fancy restaurant, but it’s the connection that counts, not the location.
“You don’t have to do anything lavish or expensive,” she said. ‘Dressing up and going out for a fancy meal in this economic customer is unfeasible for many.
‘But on Thursday evening, when the children are in bed, you can make a reservation for a date at home.’
2. Put your phones away
When a married couple with children makes time for each other, it is essential that this time is well spent.
Cassandra says that you need to be ‘connected’ during these moments.
This means no scrolling, no texting, and no checking for notifications. The best way to do this is simple: put your phones in another room.
3. View the conversation
Another thing to remember is that one-on-one time is just that: the two of you.
If you’re on a date night, or just spending a few spare minutes together while the kids are sleeping, try steering the conversation to topics that don’t involve your little ones.
It’s so common for couples to break up because one day they wake up and realize that their children are the only thing they have in common. This can easily happen if their conversations are always about the kids.
Making a mental note to have one in-depth conversation a week that has nothing to do with the kids is an easy way to keep your marriage from falling into this trap.
4. The 90-minute rule
To connect with each other in a meaningful way, Cassandra says couples should spend at least 90 minutes a week spending quality time together.
Put the phones and Netflix away and check in on each other. It doesn’t have to be done all at once – you can spread it out over the week – but it does need to be consistent.
These check-ins are a perfect opportunity to get to know your and your partner’s love languages (more on that later).
“People without kids do this all the time, which is why they don’t break up as often as couples with kids,” she said.
“They are constantly making plans around each other and keeping each other informed about their passions so they are always on the same page,” she said.
‘Of course people without children still divorce; it just doesn’t happen that often.’
5. Align your goals
Cassandra says couples who share hobbies or share skills together are also more likely to stay together and have a strong relationship.
And if these interests align with their long-term goals as a couple, that’s even better.
A good example of this is learning a new language with the intention of spending some time abroad in the future.
Learning to garden is also a shared hobby that nourishes a marriage, because it is a skill that also provides ample opportunity for conversations and building a house together.
6. Understand your partner’s love language
‘It’s important to remember your partner’s love language. That thing that they need to feel valued and safe, and to use it,” says Cassandra.
The five ‘love languages’ were popularized by American author Gary Chapman. They refer to the ways in which people express and experience love differently.
The love languages are: words of affirmation (verbal expressions of love), acts of service (showing you love someone by caring for him or her), receiving gifts (exchanging gifts to show your love), quality time (your partner undivided attention). ), and physical touch (e.g. showing love through hugs, holding hands).
Knowing your partner’s love language can help you realize the type of affection he or she likes to give and receive, leading to a deeper connection and understanding.
It ensures that your efforts are appreciated, as well as theirs, and allows a couple to effectively meet each other’s emotional needs.
7. Recognize alienation – the marriage killer
If you don’t know your partner’s love language, misunderstandings turn into resentment, leading to couples becoming estranged from each other.
Cassandra says that estrangement is more likely to lead to divorce than an affair.
“Yes, there are people who break up because of emotional or physical infidelity, but usually it’s because they’ve grown apart,” she says.
‘Sometimes the infidelity is simply seen as the way out.’
In many cases, it’s not too late to reconnect
“I always encourage people to have an open and honest conversation about their divorce and why,” says Cassandra.
“This is a chance to discuss whether they are just in a rut, or if this is actually the end of their relationship.”
These conversations can be difficult, especially if the alienation has been developing slowly for years.
Cassandra has worked with many clients who have asked her about it to initiate divorce proceedings, only to back out after having a heart-to-heart with their significant other.
“The success of this approach depends on both people being willing to do what it takes to find that connection and work on the relationship,” she said.
It is at this stage that women are more likely to quit, says Cassandra.
“Sometimes these chats don’t work and you need to end them, and that’s okay too.”
Parents are more likely to divorce than any other couple
8. Moms: put yourself first
Cassandra said mothers can improve their relationships in the long run by being more selfish.
‘Women often lose themselves in the role of informal caregiver. “They are constantly making sure everyone is doing well and we put ourselves last,” she said.
“They eat last, sleep last, go to the doctor last, prioritize others, let their spouses go out and have fun with their friends while they stay home with the kids.
“And by the time they realize there’s a problem, resentment has built up and they’re headed for divorce.”
Cassandra, a wife and mother herself, refuses to put herself last. She makes sure she can travel, work and meet her needs – and that makes her happier.
“When women combine full-time motherhood with working, nursing and caring for the home, resentment and alienation creep in,” she says.
9. Divorce is not always the end
In most cases, an appointment with a family lawyer marks the beginning of the end of a marriage.
But sometimes clients return to Cassandra after their divorce and announce that they are back together.
“After a period of self-examination and self-empowerment, they realize they had to lose each other to realize what they had,” she says.
“They realize that their relationship problems are caused by all the other noise that’s creeping in.”