CRAIG BROWN channels Dominic Raab answering your household queries

Dear Dominic, I am having trouble loading and unloading the cutlery. Sometimes it is not cleaned thoroughly. Tips please! MW, Wiltshire.

Dominic says: Well, that’s a hypothetical question and I’m not going to start answering hypothetical questions.

You wouldn’t expect him to start telling you the right or wrong way to load and unload your knives and forks. I’ll leave that for a proper investigation.

All I can say in this context is that knives are great for cutting things, while in my experience, forks are better for poking or picking things up.

Dear Dominic, How about big china plates? Where should I put them once all the other dish racks have been filled? Miriam, Leeds.

Dominic says: I sympathize, Miriam. At my job, large plates can be a terrible nuisance, a complete waste of time.

What I tend to do is break them in half and then load them onto the saucer or small plate rack. And, to be absolutely clear on this matter, I have never had any complaints, neither about the dishes nor, for that matter, about the shelves.

But doesn’t breaking plates in half mean you can’t use them again?

Now you’re misquoting me. I never said that someone should break a plate in half, Miriam, and no one suggested that I do so. That’s what I call Project Fear. What I actually said in this regard was that as far as loading large to medium sized dishes responsibly, well, we should leave that up to each other.

To be absolutely clear, Miriam: I would never cut a plate in half. Unless someone provoked me. In which case, that would be the only responsible course of action.

Dear Dominic, What about the cups and glasses? Should they always be stacked upside down in the dishwasher? JB, Brighton.

Dominic says: Again, that’s a hypothetical question and don’t answer. He’s trying to get me to respond one way or another, and that’s something that as a high-ranking politician who believes in the concept of justice and fairness, I’m just not prepared to do.

All I would say is this. I have been unfairly criticized in the past for stacking cups and glasses face up. My opponents say that when you take them out, they have dirty water inside. But this is an ongoing process. We have to look at it from all angles. When you’re thirsty, dirty water can be refreshing. Let’s not hit the dirty water.

And if you really don’t like dirty water in your glasses, you can always hit them with a hammer. In this context, it is very important to listen. And I’ve never heard anyone complain about those glasses. Let’s learn lessons as we go.

Have you read the instruction manual for the dishwasher?

Let’s be clear what we’re talking about here. Am I focused on the job at hand? Yes, I am fully focused on the job at hand. Thanks for asking that question.

But have you really read it?

I have already answered that question. Let me say this. In connection with my commitments as a world expert in dishwashers, I will always continue to satisfy myself and ensure in an ongoing process that, based on a complete understanding of the dishwasher, I will always intend to read the instruction manual for the dishwasher. when necessary on the basis of seeking additional commitments to the dishwasher-owning public, not only in this country but throughout the known world.

So what you’re saying is that you haven’t read it?

Now you’re misquoting me. But it’s important to see all of these issues in their full context, without the distraction of so-called factual details. That is just common sense. The numbers don’t lie.

I am planning to overload my dishwasher. Is this a sensible course of action, Dominic? RM, Cardiff.

Dominic says: Yes, of course you should overload your dishwasher.

I overloaded my dishwasher, like you advised, Dominic, and everything came out dirty.

That’s not what I said. You are putting words in my mouth. I blame you. I blame the dishwasher. I blame the soap. I blame dirt. These are all unsubstantiated claims!