CRAIG BROWN: A jaw-dropping interview with a ruthless killer!

Earlier this month, top TV host Tucker Carlson successfully interviewed Vladimir Putin and found that the Russian president wants above all to bring peace and a sense of community to the people of Ukraine.

And now Carlson has a second scoop, an exclusive interview with another much-maligned figure: Jaws, the world-famous shark.

Carlson: Mr. Jaws, thank you for granting me this interview. I know this has been a very busy time for you, so I am very grateful that you have taken time out.

Jaws: No problem, Tucker. You’re right, I’ve been very busy bringing peace and reconciliation to Amity Island. But believe me, it’s worth it just to see all those people shouting with joy when I stop by to say hello.

The American political commentator has now bagged an exclusive interview with another much-maligned figure: Jaws, the world-famous shark

Carlson: Tell me, Mr. Jaws…

Jaws: Just call me Jaws.

Carlson: Gee, thanks, Jaws. Tell me, Jaws, to what do you attribute the bad press you’ve been getting lately?

Jaws: Let me give you a brief historical background.

Carlson: Please.

Jaws: Let’s look at the historical relationship between the shark community and Amity. In the year 862, the islanders of Amity invited the great shark Toothi ​​to become mayor.

The next very important date is 988, when Im Plant, Toothi’s great-grandson, began uniting the townspeople of Amity with the shark community – and he did this by consuming them.

Carlson: Consuming it?

Jaws: Yeah, and they were so happy to be eaten. Why? Because they realized that they would be transported through the oceans faster and more efficiently than ever before.

I have here old transcripts from leading shark historians who testify to the joy of Amity citizens as the sharks approached. Can I quote it?

“Never did the people of Amity run so fast as when they first saw the sharks’ fins.”

You see! They ran to greet their liberators!

Carlson: Although mainstream media commentators would probably argue that these people were running away from the sharks, not toward them.

Jaws: nonsense! The word Amity originally meant ‘Shark Lovers’. You see, from the year 1294 onwards, the sharks were welcomed as prominent members of the Amity community.

The postman was a shark, the baker was a shark, the mayor was a shark. They were hard workers. Yes, those sharks really got their teeth into it.

Carlson: That was 1294. Can I move you to modern times?

Jaws: Wait! I’m coming there! But first we still have 800 years to explain. So in the year 1295, the great shark Peg decided that it would be in the best interests of all the islanders of Amity to have their legs cleanly bitten off.

She knew how much they wanted to stay in one place and so, in a friendly spirit of cooperation, she did her best to help them realize this ambition.

Carlson: Fascinating (looks at his watch). So, if I could just ask you to fast forward to the year 1975.

Jaws: But I have not yet informed you of all the contributions to the Amity economy made by the SBF…

Carlson: That’s the Shark Benev-olent Fund.

Jaws: …over a period of 600 years or more. We have contributed so much to the local economy. People traveled from far and wide to swim in the same sea as us.

Carlson: And in 1975, American-backed companies made the feature film Jaws.

Movie poster of the movie Jaws, directed by Steven Spielberg in 1975

Jaws: Not a feature film – total propaganda! A provocation, and a cheap provocation too! The United States controls all the world’s media!

Carlson: Did you feel that the portrayal of you was unfair in any way?

Jaws: You bet I did! They turned me into some kind of deadly predator. But I was just having a little fun. Okay, I may have had a bite to eat, but when was it a crime to enjoy eating out?

Carlson: Do you have any message you would like to give our viewers?

Jaws: ‘I would like to teach the world to sing, in perfect harmony.’

Carlson (joining in): “I’d like to hold him in my arms and keep him company!” Nice!

Jaws: Should we end it there, or is there something else?

Carlson: No, I love that. Thank you very much for your time, Mr. Jaws.