Cohen The Dog ‘Fixer’… Stormy The XXX-damsel in distress… and the Columbo moment that exposed the sham: KENNEDY’s hilariously wicked verdict on Trump’s trial – and who she insists are the REAL crooks in this case

So that’s it?

Not since Stormy stumbled out of a Nevada hotel room has anyone been so disappointed.

For four weeks, the botoxed cable news anchors have been eaten, the presidential election has been paralyzed, and those who ate lunch have been revolted by sloppy, salacious testimony pouring out of a lower Manhattan courthouse like raw sewage.

It’s here that the first former American president in history was tried for the crime of… well, we still don’t know exactly.

According to the Democratic hacks in the Manhattan District Attorney’s office, our 45th Commander in Chief once ordered a mental midget to pay a professional button polisher for her silence and then criminally fabricated the books to cover up the so-called hide-and-seek game. pickle.

We were sure that Gotham’s portly, bail-phobic district attorney and his chief prosecutor — recruited from the upper echelons of the Biden Justice Department, no less — knew what the hell they were doing.

Although on the last day of the prosecution’s case, it still looked weaker than Harvey Weinstein’s long jump.

If there was ever definitive proof that this trivial trial of the century is nothing more than the utter humiliation – dare I say – political pornification of the American legal system, it is this: it was all about the word of a hitman. job artist… and Stormy Daniels.

So, as this horror ends in court, let us watch the carnage and mourn the disintegrating republic we are leaving to our children.

If there was ever definitive proof that this trivial trial of the century is nothing more than the utter humiliation – dare I say – political pornification of the American legal system, it is this: it was all about the word of a hit man. job artist… and Stormy Daniels.

For four weeks, Botox-equipped cable news anchors have been eaten, the presidential election has been paralyzed, and those caught eating lunch have been revolted by sloppy, salacious testimony pouring out of a lower Manhattan courthouse like raw sewage.

Stephanie A. Gregory Clifford, aka Stormy Daniels, the hard-laid-wet heroine of this sordid tale, would blow Trump’s defenses out of the water (Reader: All puns unintentional unless otherwise noted).

Portraying herself as a damsel in distress, Stormy – wearing a black scarf and her hair in a bun – nervously testified that she was in fact a victim on the night in question, when she allegedly met with Donald J .Trump for dinner at his house. hotel room in July 2006.

An animated corpse on MSNBC compared her to a “modest nun” on the witness stand. (I would like to know where he went to Catholic school.)

Ms Daniels claimed the future president opened the door in his silk pajamas before playfully spanking him with a rolled-up magazine. (Isn’t this the plot of Stormy’s 2013 hit, Sex Door Neighbors? No wonder judge Juan Merchan asked her to slow down. He must be a fan.)

Daniels — who has admittedly logged more miles than the Daytona International Speedway — suggested she was intimidated by Trump’s “bodyguard right outside the door,” then “blacked out” when he dropped his pants, which must be an occupational hazard for a woman in her field.

Ms Daniels claimed the future president opened the door in his silk pajamas before playfully hitting him with a rolled-up magazine. (Isn’t this the plot of Stormy’s 2013 hit, Sex Door Neighbors?)

Cohen is currently shopping around a new reality show called “The Fixer,” which sounds like an alley dog ​​neutering service — but who am I to question such a paragon of integrity?

I’m not one to be slut-shamed (you probably remember me from Naughty Needlepointers 3), but that reaction is about as believable as a surgeon vomiting at the sight of blood.

Stormy went on to testify about sexual positions and whether rubbers were used – triggering a national gag reflex – leaving us with the haunting question: why the hell did we need to know about this?

The answer is: we didn’t.

Daniels’ testimony did not advance the trial; it served a political purpose. It humiliated Trump.

But wait: the prosecutor still had to use their secret weapon.

Their Big Pasty White Sweaty Heap.

Trump’s former lawyer and self-proclaimed ‘fixer’ Michael Cohen.

He’s currently shopping a new reality show called “The Fixer,” which sounds like an alley dog ​​neutering service — but who am I to question such a paragon of integrity?

Cohen is engaged in anti-Trump hacking and business is booming.

He admitted on the stand that he’s made more than $3 million from his Down-With-Donald books — and his anti-Trumpery extends to selling shirts and prostituting himself on TikTok to any idiot who has $ 5.99 a month to hear his nonsense.

He even admitted that he approached Manhattan prosecutors in 2021 to provide his testimony in exchange for a reduced sentence.

Cohen is engaged in anti-Trump hacking – and business is booming. He admitted on the stand that he made more than $3 million from his Down-With-Donald books.

Above all, Cohen is a liar: a convicted perjurer who has told tall tales under oath to Congress, the tax authorities and all kinds of courts and judges.

Why stop now?

Under cross-examination by Trump’s lawyer on Thursday, Cohen denied that he hoped to enter the Trump White House in 2020 or even be nominated for attorney general of the United States.

“My jaw hit the floor when I heard him deny that,” said former Trump aide Alyssa Farah Griffin. “There was widespread talk that he was looking for an attorney general or a White House counsel.”

A former Trump campaign official said Cohen told him outright that he wanted the job. “He was pretty clear that he wanted to be White House counsel,” Bryan Lanza said.

At least this pointless experiment is good for some laughs.

But the real ‘Columbo moment’ came when mild-mannered Trump lawyer Todd Blanche caught Cohen in a phone game that went straight to the heart of this case.

Cohen testified that he called Trump’s bodyguard on October 24, 2016, to discuss the “resolution” of the “Stormy Daniels case.”

Ah ha! The smoking gun!

But ‘that was a lie!’ Blanche stated.

The real “Columbo moment” came in court when mild-mannered Trump lawyer Todd Blanche caught Cohen in a phone game that went straight to the heart of this case.

Blanche got Cohen to admit that he called Trump’s bodyguard that October night to complain about harassing phone calls he was receiving from a 14-year-old prankster.

Cohen sloppily insisted that the call had two purposes, but the damage had already been done.

Another seed of doubt was sown in the minds of the jurors, who are already being asked to trust a man who has no credibility whatsoever.

Look, I get it, sex with porn stars is annoying (especially the condomless variety, disgust bro!), and having a drooling buffoon like Cohen control your bad decisions is the worst decision in itself.

But being a phenomenally terrible judge of character is not a crime.

Using the legal system to interfere in presidential elections should be.