Q: My partner and I have been together for six years. He is 65; I’m 52 and we both have adult children from previous marriages. He can be extremely controlling and for that reason I’m glad I don’t live with him.
I have my own house and he has his. He is still married, but has been separated from his wife for more than eight years. I am a widow and raised my child alone. My daughter likes it, as does my family.
However, his wife said from the beginning that she would not attend any events involving their children if I was there. He agreed, so I never went to family functions, Christmas or his children’s birthdays.
I haven’t even met his grandchildren because his children don’t want to upset their mother. As you can imagine, it’s horrible and isolating. It causes so much unrest and strife, and he always takes her side.
I haven’t even met his grandchildren because his children don’t want to upset their mother (sotck image)
I feel like his wife is being unreasonable, but he won’t budge no matter how hard I try to offer solutions.
Am I wasting my time with someone who never stands up for me?
My partner’s ex won’t allow me to attend family gatherings
I also don’t understand how some women can be so mean to others. He was single when I met him, so I wasn’t the cause of his breakup.
a: You must feel very hurt because you are always left out of family events and haven’t even met his grandchildren. I have no time for people who treat partners as extras – someone they see when they feel like it, but who they don’t fully include in their lives. It is unloving and unkind. (This is different from two people who both like to be independent in a relationship.)
This secrecy can sometimes even feel like he is ashamed of your relationship. It’s strange that your daughter and family like him. Controlling men can be charming on the surface, but nasty underneath. It’s all part of the manipulation and ego boost they thrive on.
Maybe your family hasn’t seen past this facade yet. However, his wife sounds like a nightmare and neither he nor his children seem to be able to stand up to her. I wonder if part of the reason he’s so controlling is because he’s afraid of her reaction. Yes, it’s disappointing when women are mean to each other.
He’s still in her grasp and that probably won’t change
She sounds very insecure and clearly hasn’t accepted that their marriage is over. She might even want him back. Even though you weren’t the cause of the breakup, she is doing her best to sabotage your relationship, although unfortunately there doesn’t seem to be much worth keeping.
He is still in thrall to his ex and I’m afraid this is unlikely to change, even if you’ve told him how much it hurts you. Unfortunately, I’m inclined to think that you are indeed wasting your time.
I know it’s not easy, but you deserve so much more. Please consider getting counseling – try relate.org.uk or baCP.co.uk to help you gain the strength to break free.
I HAVE FEELINGS FOR MY FRIEND’S HUSBAND
Q: My husband and I have been good friends for about 15 years with a couple we’ve known since our kids were at the same primary school – we’ve even all been on holiday together.
But recently they were having dinner at our house (along with other friends) when this couple’s husband offered to help me in the kitchen. Granted, we’d all had a few drinks, but he blurted out that he’d always liked me and that he knew I felt the same way.
I was shocked and told him not to be crazy. The rest of the night passed without anything else being said, although I now feel uncomfortable seeing my girlfriend again, let alone her husband. The problem is that I’m attracted to him.
a: It is not unnatural for a man and a woman who are friends to find each other attractive the closer they get. If you like and respect someone, have shared experiences (even as part of a group), or perhaps find them funny and friendly, this could very well lead to deeper feelings.
However, it would be a disaster for everyone involved if you were to act on this – as you clearly know.
Apart from anything else, his kids and yours would probably all hate you both. It’s just not worth it. But this has clearly upset you, so you need to handle it carefully.
Don’t tell his wife. It would only hurt her and probably ruin your friendship anyway. But do talk to her husband. He may try to pass it off as a drunken moment, but you should gently point out how much pain it would cause.
Maybe you’re both feeling a little bored in your marriage and need to find a way to rekindle the marital fire.
- If you have a problem, please write to Caroline West-Meads at YOU, 9 Derry Street, London W8 5HY, or email c.west-meads@mailonsunday.co.uk. You can follow Caroline on Twitter @Ask_Caroline_