CAROLINE WEST-MEADS: Why has our daughter severed contact with us?
Q My 33-year-old daughter no longer communicates with my wife and me, which is causing us both incredible grief. We have tried calling, writing and messaging on social media but she has stopped responding. Her final response said she had some issues to solve and that we shouldn’t bother her until she was ready.
We have supported our daughter financially, emotionally and practically throughout her life – and through several moves and moves from one end of the country to the other.
Since returning locally (to pursue her PhD), she has met a young man who my wife and I are very fond of. They bought a house together, which I helped them with. However, one of her partner’s items got damaged, so I took it in for repairs – and he got quite annoyed that she was ‘giving his stuff away’. This seems to have created a rift between us and his answers have become quite curt.
We have received feedback from my wife’s sister (who is often rude to me) that our daughter told her that she did not have a happy childhood and that the atmosphere in our family home was not pleasant when she was growing up. Our daughter had everything she needed, but still seems to think it’s my fault. I am desperate and concerned that any kind of control is taking place. How can I put things right?
a It is devastating when a child withdraws emotionally and I sympathize deeply. Without knowing all of you, it’s hard to say if you upset her in some way or if the problem lies deeper. Obviously you are loving parents, but self-awareness is key here. Perhaps this urge to do everything for her could have become suffocating. She’s studying for a PhD, so she’s clearly one smart cookie. Would she have been able to solve some issues on her own? Could her partner feel like you are taking away his role?
But since meeting the new man seems to have been the catalyst for your daughter’s changed attitude, I can understand your concern. A sign of a controlling partner is when that person begins to cut the other person off from family and friends. Did he criticize or undermine her? Have her friends noticed any changes? Perhaps they have seen less of her or noticed that she has become withdrawn.
So to discuss both options, you can first send her a letter explaining how much you and your wife love her and that you are sorry if you have upset or crossed the line. Explain that you are both always there for her. Avoid blaming or self-justifying or reminding her of what you did for her. I would also encourage you to contact womensaid.org.uk to discuss your concerns about coercive control.
HIS JIBE HAS WARMED ME UP
Q Recently I met a man in a pub who I really didn’t like and hadn’t seen in six years. He was never someone I liked – always a bit cocky and not flashy – but I knew he used to be interested in me. He told me that in the past he had known I was hoity-toity and had thought I was too good for him.
But now I was older (I’m 54) and fatter, I wasn’t such a catch and that maybe he had a chance after all. He was laughing like a drain and clearly thought he was very funny.
I’m devastated. I know I gained a few pounds due to menopause, but I didn’t think I looked that bad. My lovely partner is very reassuring, but I keep thinking I look old and fat.
a When I can, I like to see the good in people, but sometimes there isn’t much to see! Pay as little attention to this horrible man’s comments as possible. They’re just sour grapes. The person he’s really in love with is himself, and he just doesn’t know that you’ve never thought of him as the gorgeous guy he thinks he is.
So, perhaps with beer-fueled aggression, he deliberately tried to put you down so he would feel better. Miserable.
As for how to deal with your feelings, don’t fall into the sad trap of thinking that gaining a few pounds will make you less attractive. Fifty-four isn’t old, but the aging process can be difficult because we inevitably change. Acceptance is the key. Constantly wanting or striving to look ten or twenty years younger only leads to unhappiness, but we can learn to see that we are attractive for the age we are. Whose opinion do you trust, this odious man’s or your partner’s?