CAROLINE WEST-MEADS: My teen refuses to go on our family holiday

Q My sister and I spent a week in a timeshare in Spain for many years. We have children of the same age and our two families have always gone there together every October six months.

This year, however, our eldest daughter, who is fourteen, says she doesn’t want to go.

The problem is my sister’s son – her cousin – who is a year older. They just can’t get any further. Our daughter is still quite young emotionally and hasn’t really discovered boys, parties or alcohol yet.

She still enjoys doing things with us and gets along well with her sister and her younger niece.

My cousin is the opposite. Occasionally he can be great (funny) company, but often he is a typical monosyllabic teenager: moody, scruffy, sweary, rude to my sister and trying to be cool.

I know she has problems with him drinking and smoking. When we went to stay with them a few months ago, my oldest daughter was very upset because they went to a party that got out of hand and her cousin pressured her to try vodka. I had to pick her up in tears.

I think we should abandon the holiday this year, but my sister is angry and says her daughter will be very disappointed if her nieces and nephews don’t come. She believes the two oldest children can simply ignore each other. I think she wants my moral support too.

What must we do?

a This is so hard because you are torn in different directions. You’re obviously close to your sister, so it must be sad for both of you that your oldest children have turned out to be chalk and cheese at this point.

I understand your daughter doesn’t want to go. She is at a vulnerable and sensitive age and the prospect of going on holiday with her older cousin is frightening.

You may decide to give it a miss this time and see if things have changed next year. However, there is also the danger that if she doesn’t go, she may feel less able to deal with such problems in the future.

So ask your husband if she thinks she can spend time with her sister and another cousin – if all the adults are doing is making sure her older cousin can’t bully her. However, make sure you really listen to her needs.

I’m not sure if it will be an easy holiday for everyone as your cousin sounds difficult. I’m sure your sister is finding it hard for him and I wonder if her husband feels the same way and is supportive.

Unfortunately, there is a perception that smoking and drinking is ‘just what kids do’ at the age of 15. However, both activities are illegal up to the age of 18 because they pose serious health risks.

Public health organization Ash warns that the younger a person smokes, the greater the risk of dependence and death.

You and your sister can contact youngminds.org.uk or family-action.org.uk for tips on how you can help each child and each other.

Is my success at work driving my husband away?

Q I have been married for 12 years to a man who I consider my soulmate. We are both in our mid-forties and have never had children. Our relationship has always been loving and strong and our sex life fantastic.

However, lately things have slowed down, with my husband saying he’s too tired to make love. I know couples go through fewer “physical” phases, but this is not who we are.

The last time we tried he couldn’t go through with it. I’m devastated. It all changed shortly after I was promoted to a senior position at work – now earning more than my husband.

I asked him if this was getting in the way of sex, and he snapped back that it wasn’t all about my great career.

I know we need to get advice, but I’m shocked to think that this is where we need to go.

QI have been married for twelve years to a man who I consider my soulmate. However, lately things have slowed down, with my husband saying he’s too tired to make love

a As old-fashioned as it may seem, unfortunately some men still feel very threatened, even emasculated, by their wives earning more than them.

It’s so unnecessary – and it’s sad for you that he can’t support you and celebrate your success. But yes, you have to bite the bullet and suggest counseling, because there is clearly more going on here.

Maybe he’s miserable at work and really wants to leave, but he’s afraid this would reduce him even further. He may feel that you won’t love him anymore if he isn’t as successful as you. Maybe he has other concerns. Either way, he’s unhappy.

Gently explain how much you love him (always start with this) and how happy you have always been with him. Let’s say you’re worried that he’s unhappy and you’re worried and wondering if he still loves you.

Try relate.org.uk or costrt.org.uk.

• If you have a problem, please write to Caroline West-Meads at YOU, 9 Derry Street, London W8 5HY, or email c.west-meads@mailonsunday.co.uk. You can follow Caroline on Twitter @Ask_Caroline_