Q My sister has lived in the US for 50 years. She is 72, I am 78. Many years ago she married an American, but they divorced when their son was young. She didn't want to take him away from his father, so she stayed in America. I know she would have loved to have more children, but unfortunately that didn't happen, and her son decided not to have children, so there are not grandchildren. I get the impression she doesn't see him or his partner much.
She was aggressive and we parted on bad terms
I think she's jealous of me and my life – I'm married 54 years old and have children, grandchildren, a good social life and nice holidays. She recently visited and I was looking forward to it, unlike anything I had seen before her for a few years, but she was confrontational and aggressive.
We broke up on bad terms and my husband never wants to see her again. I think she's lonely and unhappy and probably worried about the future. I understand that and would like to support her, but she has made it almost impossible. I texted to say we were worried about her, but all I got was denial that she was irritable or angry. Ideally, I would like an explanation or apology, but I know that won't happen.
I'm afraid my relationship with her is beyond repair.
Answer: This is very sad. I think your sister sounds unhappy and lonely and is probably suffering from depression, which can make people irritable and angry.
Yes, it must be hard for her to see how different your life is, and she must also feel rejected by her only son. I wonder if she is always quick to anger or offended; Maybe that's why he keeps his distance. Or maybe she has become difficult because she is unhappy.
Ideally, she should get counseling because she has suffered a lot of “loss” – her marriage, her son and the children she couldn't have – although she's unlikely to agree. It's hard to offer help to people who don't want it.
She is clearly proud and may not admit that her life is not what she would like. You tried texting without success, but you could write her a letter. Tell her you're sad that you didn't get along when she came to visit.
Explain how much it upsets you and that she is your sister and that you love her, that you want a relationship with her and would like to talk.
Unfortunately, you're unlikely to get an apology because people don't like to accept that they're wrong, so try to move things along instead. Hopefully she responds, but if not, try again in a few months. Maybe set a time limit on how long you keep trying. You did everything you could.
In the meantime, focus on the rest of your family and life – don't let this matter consume you. You are not responsible for her happiness and you must protect yourself.
I'm stressed about our New Year's Eve party
Q A group of local friends usually have a small New Year's Eve party, a tradition we have continued for over twenty years. This year it's our turn to host. I'm exhausted though. My father passed away ten months ago and I visit my mother every day after work – who is now in a care home with dementia. In previous times our parties went on until about 3am, but this would be too much for me. I want to politely ask them to leave not long after midnight, but my husband says that would be a shame because it's only once a year and I should enjoy it more. I know it's only a few extra hours, but it makes me feel stressed, which doesn't suit mee.
This may seem like you're worrying about something small – late one night – but the real problem is that you're feeling overwhelmed. You are still grieving the loss of your father and you are in a state of constant grief for your mother because it is soul destroying to see someone decline with dementia. Moreover, you work full-time.
So the stress is not really about the party, but about the need for better balance. I know you would probably feel guilty if you didn't visit your mom every day, but it becomes too much and you get burned out. So please contact alzheimers.org.uk to discuss the emotions associated with reducing your visits.
As for the party, play it by ear. If you're still having a good time, you can stay up a little later. It could indeed be good for you. But if you're feeling too anxious, I'm sure your friends would understand if you told them you need to go to bed. Limit your alcohol consumption. A late night is one thing, but a hangover is not what you need.
If you have a problem, please write to Caroline West-Meads at YOU, 9 Derry Street, London W8 5HY, or email c.west-meads@mailonsunday.co.uk. You can follow Caroline on Twitter @Ask_Caroline_
Caroline reads all your letters, but regrets that she cannot answer them all personally.