Caroline West-Meads: ‘I stupidly got involved with a serial adulterer’

Q In my thirties, I married a verbally and physically abusive man who raped me.

He made me think I couldn’t live without him, although I eventually left after more than ten years.

While I was back on my feet I stupidly got involved with a married man who had already had four affairs.

He left his wife and small children to be with me, for which I am now deeply ashamed.

I am in my sixties and still dealing with him even though the time in between was a mess.

I’ve made some horrible mistakes, including getting involved with a guy I met online who I thought was a friend, but turned into a stalker.

I let him have sex with me after he told me he would kill himself if I didn’t.

My on/off partner was furious.

Even though he is back with his wife he goes on and on about how I betrayed him after he gave up everything for me.

My feelings have changed and I have told him I only want to be friends but he is verbally aggressive about the lack of sex.

He admits to being abusive but says I’m doing it to myself by not showing him affection.

I feel like I’ve wasted many years, and I’m full of guilt over his wife.

a Please don’t be so hard on yourself. Maybe you made some ill-advised decisions but were subject to so much trauma and abuse.

I don’t think you should feel guilty about a serial adulterer leaving his wife for you. You were in a fragile state and needed to feel loved and protected – and I expect he turned on the charm.

Unfortunately, however, this relationship doesn’t sound much better than the one with your ex-husband. Even though this man once seemed nice, his actions now are not those of someone who loves.

This is classic manipulative and controlling behavior – blaming you for his own abusive actions and trying to bully you into sex.

Unfortunately, it’s the same pattern with the stalker who tried to make you feel sorry for him in order to get into a physical relationship.

I believe this stems from your abusive marriage – and maybe even further back, to a noxious childhood. Your self-esteem is so compromised that you feel like you have to do what a man wants, even if it goes against your own wishes – and your expectations of relationships are very low.

I strongly urge you to get advice on how to build your self-esteem and leave this man behind (try relate.org.uk or bacp.co.uk).

In your longer letter you say that despite everything you have a good career, friends and a house of your own.

So please try not to see your life as wasted – these are remarkable achievements in light of all you’ve endured. I think it is a miracle that you survived and that there is still enough time to improve the future.

WHY DOES MY FRIEND ALWAYS BRING HER HUSBAND?

Q I have been a widow for five years and am in my late sixties. I still miss my husband dearly but have become good friends with another widow. We usually meet once or twice a week for a walk or a coffee – or sometimes to the cinema.

However, she has recently fallen head over heels for a new man. I am very happy for her and he is delightful but the problem is they seem to be on the hip. My dear friend still makes plans to see me twice a week – but now he always comes too. I’m not jealous.

I loved my husband very much, but I’m not lonely and I’m not interested in another romantic relationship. I miss seeing my girlfriend just to have girl talk. I don’t know how to tell her.

Q I have been a widow for five years and am in my late sixties. I still miss my husband dearly but have become good friends with another widow. We usually meet once or twice a week for a walk or a coffee – or sometimes to the cinema. Stock image used

a Hmm, yes, it almost sounds like the intensity of a teen romance where the best friend gets her first boyfriend and suddenly everything revolves around him. Perhaps your partner’s marriage was not entirely satisfactory.

Maybe she’s never really been “in love” and is now caught up in her new romance and wants to be with him all the time. Maybe he’s the same – or just a little needy.

Don’t worry, I think your boyfriend is in the ‘honeymoon phase’ where the happy couple just can’t get enough of each other, but this intensity is usually not maintained, so I expect it to pass on its own within a few months. If not, talk to her.

Explain how much you love him, but could you and she have a girls afternoon/evening once a month? Or do you have male friends who might interest your friend’s new partner in golf, cricket, football etc?

If you have a problem, write to Caroline West-Meads at YOU, 9 Derry Street, London W8 5HY, or email c.west-meads@mailonsunday.co.uk. You can follow Caroline on Twitter @Ask_Caroline_

CAROLINE READS ALL YOUR LETTERS BUT SORRY SHE CANNOT ANSWER EACH LETTER PERSONALLY