Q I’m in my early sixties and my wife will be 60 next year. Maybe we can both lose some weight, but I think we still look pretty good for our age.
We are happily married and I have always found my wife attractive and sexy. The problem is that she has never been particularly satisfied with her appearance. She now says she hates her aging appearance and wants a facelift.
At first I thought it was just something a lot of women say, and I didn’t expect her to act on it. At the same time, I tried to reassure her that she is perfect just the way she is.
However, she has started researching plastic surgeons and says she wants to use some of our savings to get her eyes and jaw lifted.
A man in his early sixties is angry because his wife, who turns sixty next year, is so dissatisfied with her appearance that she wants to have a facelift
I am shocked because every surgery has risks and this procedure is completely unnecessary. But I don’t want her to look different either.
I tried to reassure her that she is perfect just the way she is
I love the woman she has become over the years. I’m afraid she’ll lose her character. I’ve tried to talk to her, but she won’t listen.
I am so desperate to stop her that I have even considered telling her that if she continues I will divorce her. How can I stop her?
a I sympathize. Like you, I am generally not in favor of plastic surgery unless there is a particular reason for it – such as the correction of a cleft palate or after a traumatic injury.
Unfortunately, many people go through life feeling dissatisfied with their appearance, and this has increased in recent years due to the pressures of social media and video calls.
It is extremely sad, but this uncertainty often has a psychological cause. My concern for your wife is that the surgery may not make her feel better if the problem lies in a lack of self-esteem.
You say she has never been happy with her appearance, which suggests she could have had underlying issues at a younger age, such as depression or anxiety, perhaps even body dysmorphia or an eating disorder. S
Surgery may not make her feel better if it is a self-esteem issue
He may have been bullied or teased at school and has come to hate herself and her appearance.
I can understand your desperation and impending divorce as a shock tactic, but this could increase her sense of insecurity.
You sound very kind and supportive, which makes you a fantastic resource for her. So instead, tell her that while you understand that she is very unhappy with herself, you are afraid of her surgery.
Ask if she has come to couples therapy to explore together her concerns about aging and the origins of her dissatisfaction with her appearance.
Also ask her to at least wait until she’s a year past 60 to see if she still feels the same way. Hopefully, by then, with guidance, she will have developed more self-esteem and be able to see that surgery is not necessary.
I’m not dealing with my grandmother’s death
Q Five years ago this month, my grandmother died. I was devastated, even though I was in my late forties – an age when most people’s grandparents are long dead.
But she kind of raised me. My mother had me when I was fifteen. She was quite a selfish person and was never really interested in me. I lost contact with her many years ago when she moved abroad.
Sometimes the sadness for my grandmother still hits me hard. I laid flowers on her grave yesterday and found myself crying. I should be able to cope better now, right?
A woman in her 40s who lost her grandmother five months ago is once again wondering if she should be doing better now
a There are no rules to grief and no strict timetable for when it should go away. Your grandmother’s death was a devastating loss – in fact, she was your mother.
On top of that, you’ve been living with the sadness of not feeling truly wanted by your real mother, which was in no way your fault or a reflection on you – she was just way too young and couldn’t handle being a parent. So it’s understandable that grief must still be overwhelming.
There’s a reason why it’s often described as waves: sometimes small and controllable, but other times so powerful that it knocks us over without warning.
No one should be expected to “get over it.” Grief lives with us and there will always be triggers, such as birthdays or special occasions, when it can be worse.
So please stop believing that you have to control it and get on with life. It’s clear that it’s hitting you hard at the moment, so contact a bereavement organization – mariecurie.org.uk or sueryder.org – for support.
You can also talk about the loss of your mother, which still counts as grief even though she isn’t dead.
- If you have a problem, please write to Caroline West-Meads at YOU, 9 Derry Street, London W8 5HY, or email c.west-meads@mailonsunday.co.uk. You can follow Caroline on Twitter @Ask_Caroline_