DEAR CAROLINE: A hideous argument has torn my family apart. How can I heal this rift?
Q Six years ago, when I was celebrating Easter at the house of my brother and his wife, a terrible quarrel broke out between him and my husband. It resulted in my husband leaving the next morning while I had to take care of business.
TThe two men have not met since and I have tried hard to build bridges over the years – especially for for the sake of my mother (the break-up causes her great sorrow) and stepfather, both of whom are elderly. Last year I saw my brother and his wife at a funeral and they were friendly to me, which I took as a good sign.
My husband and I are celebrating big birthdays in August with a party, and we invited them both. I would love it if they were there, but even though they haven’t said no, I doubt they will come. My mother has spoken to them and they refuse to move on from the line. My brother even told her that he doesn’t miss me. My heart is broken.
My daughter says I can’t get them to think otherwise. I’ve always felt like they think I’m kind of unimportant and a bit of a waste of space I didn’t go to college. They both have successful careers. I can’t let it go because they are my family, and I would do anything to make it right.
a I am so sorry. Family fractures are very painful. However, it sounds like their anger is more directed at your husband. Putting aside differences for the sake of someone you care about is a loving act. So would he be willing to help heal the rift for your sake, just as you are for your mother?
He may never warm up to your brother or his wife, but could he extend an olive branch, like an email suggesting that bygones be bygones? He doesn’t need to apologize; he could simply say how much he would like them to come to the party. As for your brother, I suggest his values are wrong. Your value has nothing to do with colleges or careers – I believe that only kindness sets one person apart from others.
Your daughter is right: You can’t change how they feel, but maybe you can find a way to feel differently.
For some people, their families are the ones they love most, but there is no obligation to do so unconditionally – that love still has to be earned. So ask yourself if your brother, now that he is behaving this way, is worthy of the love you desperately want to give him.
What also worries me is that you seem to accept his opinion of you as inferior, when in reality you are the kinder, better person – after all, you are the one trying to ease the divide. So try to build your self-esteem, for example through counseling or an app like Happier or ThinkUp.
In the meantime, be friendly, tell your brother and his wife that you would love to see them at the party, but try not to let it be so important to you.
Is this new relationship worth pursuing?
Q I was married for 30 years years to my husband died five years ago. I was alone 20 at first and he was my first relationship. I miss him, but this is partly out of habit, because honestly that wasn’t the case a happy marriage.
I’ve had very little confidence about dating again. After meeting some lackluster men, I finally dated someone who seems nice, but I don’t know where I am with him. I’ve only seen him a handful of times (coffee, drinks, walks) but we we get along very well and he tells it how much he enjoys my company.
However, on a few occasions he has been quite grumpy and uncommunicative. He then texted me to apologize and said he wants to keep seeing me, but that he has some issues he has to deal with. Is this relationship worth pursuing?
a Normally I’m against men who blow hot and cold. If a man wants to be with you, he should be happy to be with you. However, a man in his 50s or 60s is bound to have baggage, and since he’s quick to apologize for his mood, it promises that these issues are about him and not you. (Is he a widow too? Maybe he’s struggling with guilt over seeing someone new.)
The only way to know if this is worth pursuing is to take it slow. Don’t rush into a sexual relationship as this can muddy the waters.
Instead, take the time and ask him if he can talk about these issues. If he can be open and willing to get guidance when necessary, then that’s a good omen. In general, relationships that start as friendships and develop slowly have better longevity than whirlwind romances.
If you have a problem, please write to Caroline West-Meads at YOU, 9 Derry Street, London W8 5HY, or email c.west-meads@mailonsunday.co.uk. You can follow Caroline on X/Twitter @Ask_Caroline_
Caroline reads all your letters, but regrets that she cannot answer them all personally