Q I am a man in my 80s and lately have been concerned about something that happened almost 60 years ago.
I was married to my first wife for twenty years, but we divorced when our daughters were in their late teens.
Before we married, she told me that she had had a baby boy when she was eighteen, but had been sent to London before the birth and forced to adopt him. It was the 1960s when this was common.
At the age of 18, my ex-wife was forced to have her son adopted
I don’t know if she ever told our daughters. They are now in their fifties, have grown children of their own, and if they know, they have never said anything to me.
I confided in my mother shortly after my marriage and my second wife knows it too: we were married more than 30 years ago and have a daughter and grandchildren together. Unfortunately, my ex-wife passed away four years ago.
My daughters remain close to her sister, their aunt, who knows something about the past, but I don’t know if she has told them anything. I’m not sure what to do. Should I talk to them?
a It’s sad that you and your first wife were never able to have this discussion with your daughters, and I wonder if this was because she carried a burden of unwarranted shame. As you know, her story is just one of tens of thousands in the tragic legacy of young mothers forced to give up their babies for adoption between the 1950s and the mid-1970s.
Often the women – sometimes actual children themselves – were taken far from home and forced to give birth without family support or prenatal care. The emphasis was on hiding something that was seen as shameful, rather than providing support for the mother and baby.
I wonder why it haunts you so much now. Perhaps, with the death of your late wife and your advancing years, you are thinking about your own mortality and realizing that if you don’t tell your daughters, this story will die with you.
In life in general, more problems arise when you don’t talk about things, rather than the other way around – and my initial inclination is that your daughters need to know.
In life, more problems arise from not talking about things
A word of warning though. Although they are old enough to handle it emotionally, your daughters may be angry that their mother never told them about their half-brother, especially since she is no longer alive to answer their questions. There’s also the half-brother to consider.
While it can be great to track down an adopted sibling, it isn’t always successful. If he has been in care or has had a difficult life, he may harbor resentment toward the daughters his mother raised.
So talk to your wife about everything first, but also reach out pac-uk.org, a charity that supports people affected by adoption, to talk through issues and help you decide the best course of action. If you get along well with your late ex-wife’s sister, it’s also a good idea to ask her opinion.
He’s not sure if he should go back to his ex
Q I have been divorced for five years and recently met a lovely man. Things were going well until he dropped the bomb that his ex-wife begged him to come back. He says he doesn’t love her – and that he loves me – but he finds it difficult to be away from his children during the week, both of whom are under twelve.
He told me that they miss him too and that his ex is not coping well without him. He has asked that we not see each other again for a few months while he decides. Should I give him time or walk away?
a The hardest part for divorced parents is that they only see their children part-time. It’s why people often stay in difficult marriages (at least until their children leave home).
However, if you agree to this arrangement, you will suffer while he weighs things up. And even after the few months are over, he might still remain indecisive.
By saying that she is not coping well without him, his ex tries to make him responsible for her happiness. If they really aren’t a couple anymore then that’s not his role, while the downside is that he’s clearly kind and doesn’t want her to be unhappy.
My concern is that his dilemma could last for years if you let it, so you need to talk to him about the pain it is causing you. You could give him some time to decide;
I suspect if he went back they might break up again. However, set your own deadline without telling him. For example, if six months from now he’s still caught up in the emotional turmoil of his ex’s life, it’s time for you to move on.
In the meantime, don’t stay home and wait – get out, have a full social life and keep busy.
IIf you have a problem, please write to Caroline West-Meads at YOU, 9 Derry Street, London W8 5HY, or email c.west-meads@mailonsunday.co.uk. You can follow Caroline on X/Twitter @Ask_Caroline.
Caroline reads all your letters, but regrets that she cannot answer them all personally.