Can neurotic travel-phobe COSMO LANDESMAN embrace the Arctic? Find out what happened when he tired dog-sledding, hiking and eating reindeer heart

Question: Can a grumpy, neurotic senior citizen who hates traveling be justified? the rugged Arctic wilderness of Norway, see polar bears, dog sledding, climbing mountains, eating reindeer hearts and really enjoying it?

Answer: absolutely not. At least that’s what I would have said before I went to Norway. I’m more of a Noël Coward type than one Bear Grylls survivalist type. I was so ignorant of the outdoors that I thought a frozen tundra was a curry you pulled out of the freezer.

So why go? I desperately needed to escape the claustrophobia of my comfort zone, the treadmill of daily routines and household rituals. My life fell apart one day after another. So I decided to pack up, man up and head north.

Where did you go? I took a plane from Oslo to the small Norwegian town of Longyearbyen. I spent three days there before boarding the MS Trollfjord to Tromso to experience the Svalbard Express journey.

Var det noe bh? Excuse me?

That’s Norwegian for ‘Was it good?’ It was stralande – that’s Norwegian for brilliant!

Stop bragging – and give us the facts. Longyearbyen is the most populous northern settlement in the world. It is located in the Spitsbergen archipelago in the North Atlantic Ocean. Next stop: the Arctic wilderness.

Was it cold then? It was so hot that we couldn’t go sledding because the dogs overheated.

Any curious facts about Longyearbyen? No cats are allowed. No trees are allowed to be planted. There are no flowers. No one is buried in the city; the permafrost prevents this. Alcohol is rationed. And people walk around with guns in case a polar bear passes by.

What? Yes, everywhere we went we were warned about polar bears. The funny thing is that there are 2,000 to 3,000 polar bears in the Spitsbergen archipelago and I haven’t seen any!

Sounds a bit grim. Not at all. Everywhere you look, beauty looks back at you. When your plane arrives, you can see landscapes of snow-capped peaks and beautiful glaciers.

It’s like looking at the Ice Age. Longyearbyen is cute, embroidered by mountain ranges covered in mist and snow.

What’s there to love? Just about everything. The daylight (in the summer, when we were there, the sun doesn’t set) is so pure that it doesn’t seem real, like the Truman Show. And the air can be so cold and fresh that it’s like licking a block of ice with your nose and giving your lungs a cold shower.

Then there are Arctic glaciers everywhere. The only ice I’m normally interested in is floating in my gin and tonic, but this was something different. Imagine the White Cliffs of Dover made of ice.

Besides, just like you can’t swim in the ocean and not think about sharks thanks to Jaws, you can’t see glaciers from a boat without having Titanic’s theme song, “My Heart Will Go On,” playing endlessly in your head !

Okay, what’s not to love? Many Norwegian delicacies – Arctic sea urchin soup (icky), Spitsbergen salted seal (gamey yuckiness) and reindeer heart (sorry, Rudolph) – were not to my taste. We had a few tastings of Nordic food and drinks – the kind where you get 14 courses and still leave hungry. (It is undoubtedly heaven for foodies with a passion for good wines.)

I took a plane from Oslo to the small Norwegian town of Longyearbyen (photo)

But the meals at my hotel, the Funken Lodge, and on board the MS Trollfjord, were delicious. The burger I ate at the funky Funken was the best of my life.

Worst moment of the trip? Take a speedboat across the Isfjorden to Borebukta, to visit a walrus colony, view the glacier fronts and admire the beautiful fjord.

That sounds fun! It was a nightmare. The choppy waves kept me bouncing vigorously on my buttocks and sometimes on my balls for over an hour. My back hurt, my wet hands started to freeze, my clothes were soaked and I struggled not to get seasick.

Do you have man up? No. I begged the captain to take us back, but no one else would support me. Honestly, I can’t wait to never do that again.

Favorite moment? Quad biking through the Advent Valley, whizzing like an easy rider. Actually, it was like driving one of those riding lawnmowers, but that didn’t stop me from singing “Born to be Wild” at the top of my lungs as the wind blew in my face.

Was nature great? Yes, absolutely wonderful. Unfortunately I didn’t see much of it, but many of my fellow travelers did. Not only did I not see a single grumpy polar bear, I also didn’t see any dolphins or whales. (It’s funny, but every time I went to the bathroom, someone else would see a beluga whale or a group of dancing dolphins.)

I did see four gulls, two Arctic terns, a puffin, a few snow buntings and a few walruses. I shouldn’t say this, but they look better on TV.

So was it disappointing? No. What it lacked in wildlife, it made up for in landscape. As I sailed near Kongsfjorden, among the mountains, it was so calm that I felt this transcendental unity with it all. It may sound strange, but all the voices and sounds in my head became silent as I was swept away in a wave of serenity.

How was life on the MS Trollfjord? My last cruise, in 2015, was on one of those soulless multi-story ships where you get lost on the way to your cabin. But this was easy to get around, while the staff were friendly – ​​and not in that fake-a-nice-day way.

Okay, so what have you learned? I always said that traveling only expands the stomach, but that’s not true. I have to get out of my comfort zone more often. The biggest compliment I can give Norway is that I can’t wait to go back.

• Hurtigruten Norway has selected ten-day Svalbard Express routes between May and September 2024 from £3,016 pp; the price includes all meals, alcohol and accommodation before the cruise; international flights extra, from £818; pijnigruten.nl