Beware the curse of the beach holiday if your partner is decades younger than you, writes LIZ JONES (who has endured summer vacations with four toyboy exes) as President Macron, 45, sunbathes in the South of France with wife Brigitte, 70

To me, the photo of Heidi Klum, 50, and husband Tom Kaulitz, 33, vacationing in Capri this week says it all.

She’s wearing the requisite bikini top that doesn’t defy gravity but says hopefully, “I still got it.” Please don’t look at anyone else.’

And I notice the former Victoria’s Secret model reaching for a beer: the stress of a beach holiday with a much younger man certainly needs anesthesia. Even for the world’s most beautiful women. Meanwhile, her husband wears noise-canceling headphones, perhaps all the better for ignoring her along.

It’s a similar scenario with French President Emmanuel Macron, 45, and his wife, Brigitte, 70, both sunbathing in the south of France, staring off into the distance but in opposite directions. He may seem more attentive, but wouldn’t he rather be on his jet ski? And at her age, would she? Let alone a life jacket, has she had her bone density measured?

As someone who has had one younger husband, 15 years younger than me, and three younger boyfriends (two before marriage, one after), you could say that I am an authority on this subject. And I can tell you, never is an age difference more apparent than on a beach vacation.

Emmanuel Macron and his wife Brigitte enjoy a boat day on the island of Porquerolles during their presidential vacation in the South of France

Nowhere is the topography of your skin more pronounced than under the bright light reflected from a shimmering sea. Not only does the sparkle make you squint, deeper lines, but gray hair glistens everywhere like a lighthouse. Toenails can also thicken and discolor as we age. Purple veins bulge on calves, knees pucker, thighs dimples and buttocks collapse and spill, like ice in the 40c (104f) heat.

Summer vacations should be about letting go, loosening belts, relaxing. And they are – for those with loving partners of a similar vintage. Not so the much older woman.

The truth is that many women of all ages dread a summer vacation and start training as early as January.

Yes, there’s the logistics to worry about – younger men tend to treat older partners like we’re mummy, so booking the trip, making a note of where the car is parked at the airport etc becomes up to left to us – but the real hard graft begins as soon as you look down at the wreckage of your winter body with a dismay that says, ‘Where do I begin?’

Then comes the honing, the harvesting, the renovation, the vacation wardrobe.

And when you’re actually in situ, there’s the pressure to conjure up topics so you’re not sitting in silence over yet another dinner à deux, making even the waiter for sustenance feel sorry for you. Of course, once you get home, there’s the holiday wax in case your younger man just left through the front door until it starts to fester. (Maybe older men do this too; I haven’t married one.)

The photo of Heidi Klum, 50, and husband Tom Kaulitz, 33, vacationing in Capri this week says it all. She’s wearing the requisite bikini top that doesn’t defy gravity but says hopefully, “I still got it.” Please don’t look at anyone else’

Note the former Victoria’s Secret model grabs a beer: the stress of a beach vacation with a much younger man should definitely be numbed

It’s all so exhausting that you need a mini break – alone – once it’s over.

I may sound bitter, but even if you – like me – have broken loose, you never forget the hell of vacations with a younger man. Younger men take a nap, as do toddlers. Mine fell asleep in Thailand at 10 p.m. on New Year’s Eve (I hadn’t revealed my age yet, so I hid my passport in the minibar; big mistake: younger men like the expensive gummy bears), so they miss the fireworks.

Younger men go missing in airports. Then they meet you breathless at the gate and say, “I bought 400 condoms, do you think that’s enough?” and you feel your lifeblood draining away.

They giggle all the way to Jamaica watching Mike Myers movies, and they don’t help you put your bag in the overhead lockers, or ask the cabin crew where your special meal should be.

Instead of sitting on the beach with you, they play soccer with the resort staff.

Honeymooning in Seville, my new husband was too young to rent a car, so I had to drive up mountains: I’m not even good with multi-storey car parks.

And there are no shared points of interest. At Lake Pichola in India, I said to a younger friend, just a cub, “They shot Octopussy here.”

“Is that porn?” was his response.

Look at Catherine Zeta-Jones, 53, and Michael Douglas, 78. She will always be young. He will always be grateful

Honestly, I don’t know how Brigitte or Heidi will hold up.

Regardless of beauty or staggering degree of success, an older woman will instinctively know that we are never in bikinis on the beach. Are you crazy? We usually lie flat.

I went to the Lime Wood Hotel in the New Forest last summer and was saddened by the sight of all the older, successful, dynamic, kind, wonderful women doing a strange reverse striptease when they finally gave in and left their sunbeds to eat or relax. plop to the toilet.

A twirl, twirl, twitch, tug, tug, tug as they pulled pareos around their tired, labor-scarred bodies in case the young men they were with sensed a jam-roly-poly belly.

My younger husband once told me not to look down because it gave me a double chin. And it barely fits through doors! See, this is the thing with men. They are as confident in their naked bodies as newborns are. Even deep into old age. They believe that women are not visually stimulated (we are).

But there’s a lot to be said for turning the tables, age wise. I think a younger woman with a much older man is a great idea. Look at Catherine Zeta-Jones, 53, and Michael Douglas, 78. She will always be young. He will always be grateful.

I loved that my last boyfriend, ten years older, wore glasses. I stepped on them!

Meanwhile, these younger men pretend to love us, but they don’t. Not really. They love what we can do for them. Big difference.

So give me Robin Hood’s Bay in North Yorkshire any day.

A place where I can wear a wool sweater, wave with impunity to passing yachts and say I’m sorry, I’m not getting on that jet ski or paddle board – my knees aren’t what they used to be and it’s too cold. Happy Holidays!