BEL MOONEY: Why do men keep flirting with me at work?

Dear Customer,

I feel over my head about attractive, married men at work.

Everywhere I’ve worked there has been an attractive married man who would flirt with me.

I’m not just talking about light flirting here, but long provocative stares that really irritate me.

I feel like they are smugly showing how happily married they are and how much fantastic sex they have at home.

It gets to the point where I physically hate them and long for them to leave the workplace.

I don’t have a boyfriend, and at 27 I’ve never had one.

His flirting is a painful reminder of how unsuccessful I’ve been with men. It all makes me incredibly frustrated.

How should I handle this?

I tried to ignore a married man on my break walks, but he and his friend stared at me until I felt so uncomfortable I had to change my routes to avoid him. So I hated him for making me do this.

I’d love to meet someone single, but with men I’ve always felt like I’m yelling through a one-way mirror and there’s absolutely nothing I can do to get their attention.

I didn’t start my periods until I was 16, so I felt unable to compete with the much more hormonally interesting girls of my year. And unfortunately, that feeling has never left me.

The boys were so nasty to me at school, so much so that it got to the point where it amazed me that any woman could handle being married to a man.

I didn’t really have any male friends between the ages of 11 and 25, until I joined my dance group. I have met some lovely men there, but there is no one available that suits me.

It’s very frustrating. Is there something I’m doing wrong to attract married men or am I just overreacting?

JANEY

Let’s take a deep breath and try to understand each other. If I were to reply, ‘Yes, you’re overreacting,’ you would be short of sympathy.

And clearly there is something more complicated here than the looks of married men.

In return, please be aware of the caveats and contradictions I see in your email. You use the word ‘attractive’ twice to describe the men whose appreciative glances you say you detest. You also talk twice about hating them, a noncommittal overreaction since you clearly don’t. Then there’s your bizarre conclusion that they’re flaunting their married status and the ‘fantastic sex they’re having at home’. Actually?

Surely what is going on is the simple and normal fantasy that happens all the time in offices. As you project your own frustrated fantasies onto them, because you’re desperate for a sexual relationship.

I’m not saying that sometimes it’s not annoying when men stare at you. Some women love it of course! But there’s a big difference between a frank assessment (which can make you feel just as ‘attractive’ as they do) and inappropriate actions or words. Luckily you don’t mention any of that, so why bother? I wonder how you would feel if you actually talked to these guys and treated them as equals, instead of seeing them as a threat mocking your single status.

I would try to relax. Spending the day at work with a smile, asking questions about their families, and trying some joke instead of being so terribly self-conscious.

It’s hard for you that the boys were unkind to you at school (oh, I remember that period so well!) and that’s where that acute nervousness began.

During those unhappy teenage days when you developed later than your friends at school, you probably hated feeling so different and developed a tendency to keep your head down to protect yourself.

Training yourself to relax more with the men you meet at work will eventually help your social life. The tone of her letter suggests a woman, young for her age, too anxious, too enthusiastic, and that can put off friends of both sexes. If you meet a single guy who is friendly but at first you think he’s “not a good fit for you,” try to get to know him.

Ask yourself what your criteria for suitability or non-suitability are. Is it the lack of being superficially ‘attractive’? If that’s the case, and you’re more appearance-conscious than you want to admit, then ask yourself if you’re subconsciously thinking similarly to those mean teens at school.

The best exercise to develop relationships is to learn to go beyond yourself. With the right kind of honest conscience, it can be done. Being interested is the best way to ‘get attention’.

Lots of people your age haven’t found a partner yet. At 27 you have plenty of time to meet new people and develop different types of relationships as you, in turn, develop the whole person within you.

Stop listening to the unpleasant voices of the past, take a deep breath, not a shallow breath, and focus on the people around you, whether they are male or female, old or young. They want your attention.

Am I wrong to expect a late love?

Dear Customer,

Four years ago I was devastated to lose my wife unexpectedly. I spent the next year or so looking for someone to blame.

I despise couples my age, 70 years old, walking hand in hand. But I joined a support group, went to clubs, made friends (mostly women); My social life went into overdrive. I go out with several ladies to eat and go out, but none are what I would like to call a long-term partner.

Nine months ago I met a lovely lady 15 years younger. She was from abroad but lived in the UK. Although she was married with two beautiful daughters, we met weekly for lunch and conversation.

Last September things changed. At his instigation we became close, spent as much time as we could together, fell in love. She changed my life but she was a heavy drinker and unfortunately I became dependent on alcohol.

Last week he had to return home for good. We both knew this was coming, but I’m distraught. My two daughters knew about her and her eldest did not accept it. My relations with them became icy. I only talk to them on the phone.

I’m over 70, I try to control my drinking, I don’t like being alone, and I want to find a long-term partner instead of balancing my girlfriends. I don’t like to lie to you.

I don’t use social media and Internet dating sites make me nervous. I would appreciate some tips.

IAN

You worked very hard to rebuild your life after a terrible bereavement, and I admire that.

Some people withdraw; you forced yourself to return to the world. You sound like a man who knows what he’s thinking, but I wonder if that can make you a little arrogant.

Whatever the truth, you are clearly a magnet for women! It sounds like everything is fine, despite your longing to find another ‘long-term’ partner.

But then you met someone younger who could never be for you, and the loss of her has thrown you totally out of control.

So has the alcohol problem which (so to speak) ‘caught’ her and is now trying to control.

Obviously, that is now the first priority and I applaud your determination.

After? To be honest, I don’t see anything wrong with ‘balancing the girlfriends’ as long as you stop telling lies. Because? None of them have ownership of your time; a single person has every right to spend time with as many people as he wants, as long as he makes it clear to others.

Forgive me, but I wonder if it’s vanity that fuels your delusions, the pleasant feeling that you have some kind of harem but don’t know each other so you can play your games.

I’d ditch this behavior out of a real attempt to treat all your girlfriends like real people, rather than seeing them as ways to fill the time you secretly see as fearful yawning ahead.

If one or two of them take offense, so be it. Those who really like you will continue to want your company. Who knows, one could turn out to be more and more important.

You’d be wise to stop obsessing over finding a ‘long-term partner’ and focus on drying yourself out and rebuilding your life right now, just as you did admirably a year after your wife’s death.

Now that your lover is gone, I would also turn your attention to that relationship with your daughters. After all, they were worried about your lover for good reason. They knew that she was not suitable and that she would hurt you.

Now is the time to put that behind you and see them again. The father and daughters may really need each other one day. And speaking of relationships, what about male friends? After all, if you get to know them properly, you might find that one has a lovely sister. . .

And finally… In praise of a more ordinary life

Valentine’s Day is over and gone. My husband and I forgot, but that night I cooked him a delicious chicken and rice dish and lit candles.

We enjoyed a cold Yealands Gruner Veltliner and then took the bottle into the living room to watch John Thaw as Morse in Cherubim and Seraphim (1992). Bright. We are now looking forward to the new series of Endeavour.

Life is enriched by the simplest ordinary moments, and while I would have liked a bouquet of flowers, I am delighted to be married to my funny Valentine because he fixes things and plants trees. As Ed Sheeran sings: ‘Perfect’.

Seeing some footage of Billy Joel singing ‘Just the Way You Are’ (see this week’s quote) reminds me that the best love songs have nothing to do with sex.

You can read any number of (quite tedious for me) articles about orgasms etc. but all the propaganda —How many times a week? — it’s no use if you don’t like the person you’re dating.

Former poet laureate Carol Ann Duffy has written wonderful love poems, and I especially admire two that put coarseness on a pedestal. One called ‘Valentine’ begins, ‘Not a red rose or a satin heart / I give you an onion…’

The poet wants to be ‘truthful’, so he emphasizes the staying power of the common Allium cepa found in most kitchens and essential to dishes like my chicken and rice.

Another poem is simply called Tea, and it’s about how when you love someone, just making them a cup takes on deep meaning and opens up a world.

One of my favorite movies is Shrek (didn’t you see that animation? Fix it!) which ends with Joel’s voice singing, ‘Don’t go changing’ /To try to please me/Don’t change the color of your hair. . .’ and Shrek saying to his funny green ogress, ‘Fiona, you’re beautiful.’

That is true love.