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Dear Customer,
Although my husband and I have been together for 20 years, his two daughters have never accepted me and for the past six years have refused to have any contact with me.
They told lies, they made unjust accusations, even though we both offered olive branches on numerous occasions. But very soon he will be celebrating her 80th birthday and, to our surprise, they agreed to meet for lunch.
I booked a restaurant that I felt would suit all of us, including 3 teenagers.
However, as the time approaches, I wonder if it would be wise for me to attend. I know my husband would desperately want me there, but in my heart of hearts I feel like it would be more relaxing for everyone if I stayed away.
18 months ago we attended his sister’s 80th birthday cookout, and they completely ignored me. This situation this time would be even more awkward since we will all be sitting around a table for a few hours.
Part of me thinks that I should spend the day with my son or daughter and their families. Or should I go, hold my head high, and act like his unbelievable cruel behavior doesn’t bother me in the slightest?
MARY
This week, Bel counsels a woman whose two-decade-old stepchildren have refused contact with her for six years.
Twenty years! I’m tempted to think that there must be a reason buried in those days, perhaps related to his parents’ marriage, his meeting with his father, how the relationship developed… who knows?
Well, of course, (ital) you (ital) do… unless it’s the case that both women just don’t like you for no reason. What can happen. But holding on to a particular grudge or general animosity after so long is pointless and sad, even if it’s all too (tragically) common within families.
Since it’s your husband’s 80th birthday and he ‘badly wants’ you to be at lunch, it sounds to me like you have two options. But neither means staying away like you mean to.
Life is very short (I reach for that cliché all the time, for good reason) and your husband’s wishes matter more than anything else. You will have told him how you feel and I hope he has encouraged you.
So the first option is indeed to ‘hold your head up’ and resolve to make lunch work. Since there are teenagers there the meeting is already watered down, which always helps.
Who suggested lunch? If the thought came from you and your husband, then it’s very (ital) your (ital) party, so take the change. So the second (and better) option is to extend the meeting.
Why invite your sister too? Other relatives? Her husband’s stepchildren, that is, her own offspring? But if that last one doesn’t work out, do you have a friend (or two) who has known most of her life?
The more people around the lunch table, the less you’ll have to interact with the two daughters who refuse to accept your presence in their lives.
Dear Bel
My husband Ben and his sister Sophie had very different childhoods. Sophie was her favorite, and over the years Ben canceled many plans so that her parents could spend time with Sophie (and later, her husband and her son).
She was always expected to succeed, but Ben was not.
We now live on another continent, with successful careers, our own home, and three beautiful children. The only time the family visited, over ten years ago, we were jealous of Sophie and her husband because Ben had accomplished so much.
The last time we visited Ben’s parents, they spent more time with Sophie and her family (just around the corner) than with us! Since then both parents have died and relations between the two brothers have been strained.
Ben usually initiates any contact.
Sophie and her husband have a son and they called us last spring to say they were expecting their second. Unfortunately, last month her son was stillborn.
Despite the tension and distance, we are devastated for them as we know how excited they were to have another baby.
My question is: how can we support them when we don’t live close enough to offer practical support?
Elena
Isn’t it true that such a sad loss puts all the other little annoyances into perspective? You sent a much longer letter, as well as this edited version (thanks for that kindness), but the more family history information I had, the less it all mattered compared to the current grief of two parents whose dream of holding that second baby. they are broken.
They will be desperately unhappy, bewildered, and will no doubt miss the loving support of the grandparents who lived so close. When his baby is stillborn, he slowly begins to realize that the pain in his heart will never go away.
You can also feel angry and direct that anger towards doctors, family, friends… To be honest, I wouldn’t be surprised if Sophie’s envy towards her brother is compounded by pain.
As time goes by, she may resent the fact that you have three children, just as she and her husband search for the reasons for the stillbirth and face their feelings of trying again. I only mention this so that you are forewarned.
You live so far away that interaction is likely to lessen even more over the years. It will depend on how strong and generous Ben is.
If they have a funeral for the baby, of course, it would be nice if Ben could attend, although with his three children they may not all be able to go. What you can do is make sure Sophie and her husband are fully aware of the good work being done by two charities, SANDS (Stillbirth and Neonatal Trust) and The Compassionate Friends.
As Founder-Patron of the former I can assure you of the brilliant work he does, with local groups throughout the UK. And over the years, many readers have written me full of praise for CF.
Be sure to study the websites of both charities, check out the forums, and find out what reading material is available, so you’re equipped to suggest real support for Sophie and her husband, even if you’re not around to offer it.
But also be sure to write to them, full of deepest condolences, because that really matters.
Dear Bel
I live in the UK, my parents and brother live as neighbors in Brazil on my father’s land. My older brother has always been a bully, able to bully my parents into not getting mad.
This resulted in them trading their bigger house for their smaller house and even buying my brother’s old car just for him to use more than them. Every time they made these decisions despite my advice not to. My parents are 70 years old and only have small pensions.
I send a few hundred pounds to help them every month. But there is a legal issue for both properties that requires £2k of payments to be paid to a solicitor in legal fees, and roughly 10 times as much for the actual settlement.
My brother says they have to pay the lawyer’s fees. I only discovered this by accident.
They don’t want me to intervene because my brother would fight me and they don’t want that, but I’m frustrated. I would talk to my brother, but I know that even if he angered him by defending my parents, they would obey again after my intervention and we would not go any further.
Other than canceling the payments and forcing them to face their lack of funds and ability to pay these bills, I don’t know what I can do. What do you suggest?
LUKE
You are the second reader this week (see Mary) to send two versions of the same letter, one very long, the other concise and ready to print. It is very useful.
Also, your English partner, Andrew, also wrote, indicating how much you care about this family issue. Also, like Mary, you live far away, which makes it very difficult (no, impossible) to approach the complicated problem in a practical way.
His longest letter offered chapters and verses of his brother’s despotic methods and the way in which, for the outsider, he has intimidated and manipulated his parents. They probably love him very much and have come to depend on his presence in his life, which explains how behavior patterns were established years ago, especially since you left.
Also, your brother has two children, which will matter a lot to them. I’m sure they talk to each other about ways they can help secure the future of their beloved grandchildren.
I understand why you’re angry with your brother, but I sympathize with your parents’ desire for a peaceful life. If he’s bothered by the fact that his sister is, in fact, taking advantage of his generosity, then perhaps he should concoct a little financial problem here that will cause him to suspend his payments for a few months.
I would calmly let your brother know that just for a while, your parents’ support will depend on him.
And finally…
Thank you very much for all your positive New Years greetings, compliments on the column and also the many helpful responses in response to last week’s main letter from ‘Jan’ who is very lonely and sees no alternative.
You sent in a lot of suggestions, like volunteering for example, as a way to meet people. Living in subsidized housing was another practical suggestion to counteract the fear of dying alone.
Of course, Jane emphasized that she does have social contacts, but for her loneliness is a deep internal state. Many readers suggested that she own a dog, as the best company in the world, and “the dog-walking community is lovely.”
Older people concerned about what will happen to a dog if it falls ill should seek work from The Cinnamon Trust. Naturally, I agree with all of that, but I must add that not everyone loves dogs as much as I do!
One or two readers found me unsympathetic, like BG for example: ‘Like your correspondent, I have absolutely no interest in other people’s grandchildren, which people these days seem to want to talk about endlessly.
Yes, it IS difficult, no, impossible, to show interest in people’s grandchildren. Therefore, I avoid meeting people whose conversation I know will bore me to tears, and stick to those with whom I know I will have a good conversation on a variety of topics and lots of laughs.
I understand how Jan feels and to be honest I don’t think your advice to her would be very helpful. We don’t all want to hear endless boring stories and see hundreds of photos of other people’s grandchildren.’
That seems fine to me. But I’ll be just as honest and say that when I get grumpy letters, I sometimes wonder how writers manage to coexist with others in the real world. My equation was pretty simple: if you show interest in other people, then they are more likely to show interest in you. No one will ever convince me that’s not true.