BEL MOONEY: Can I ever make my family see how they hurt me?

Dear Bel,

I need help to get over a big pain. I have three adult children, one each in Australia, New Zealand and Great Britain. They have just had a holiday together in Thailand, with grandchildren and my son’s new partner, whom I have not yet met. It felt so cruel to arrange it and not include me. It has been my heart’s desire to have time with all of them.

I had a special birthday this year and threw a party hoping they would all come. Unfortunately, the Australian family did not. I tried not to show how upset I was.

But now this. I feel quite suicidal, such a failure.

How do I proceed, how can I have any form of communication with them when all I want to do is hurt them? How bad is that for a mother to say? I found out just before they were supposed to leave and got fobbed off and one of them told me it wasn’t just about me. How do people move on without the pain eating away?

I retired over a year ago. I try to stay busy. I have good friends, but I can’t tell them because I’m so ashamed that my own children would treat me like that. I miss them all so much. But honestly, I’m not complaining. I try to be positive and happy when we communicate. But it is always me who asks for contact; they are all so busy. I try to keep it to biweekly – just “Hi, how are you?”

The daughter in the UK has a very busy job, two teenagers and a husband who works shifts. She has no time for me. I try not to see her anymore, but I had a hip replacement in May, and although she texts me every now and then, no card, flowers or visitors came.

This is not how they were raised. It was always about family gatherings and parties. I’ll be honest, I’m lost, I don’t know how to make it right, how to show them how they hurt me. But more importantly, how to build a better relationship in the future. I’m desperate – and it’s getting worse.

FREDA

Bel Mooney replies: While I feel very sorry for you, I must start by saying that, as a mother and grandmother, I assume that – from time to time – I will be hurt by the family I love.

‘Man hands on misery to man’ wrote the poet Philip Larkin in his somber poem about family life (This Be The Verse), so honesty forces me to look back through the years (from my twenties to my fifties) and to realize that it has happened many times that I hurt/disappointed my own parents, God rest their souls. Yes, I would have used the excuse of being ‘busy’ with a successful career, a family and a happy social life.

In fact, I wouldn’t have wanted them to go on vacation with us. We wanted to be with peers, not with parents.

Does that mean sound? I can’t help it – just as you were brave enough to make the shocking confession: “How can I have any form of communication with them if all I wanted to do was hurt them?” Ouch.

You wistfully remember happier family times when you were all close, and now long for your grown children living in Australia and New Zealand. So far away – and so hard for you.

Now that there is one child left in this country, you make it clear that you understand how her time is filled – and yet wish she had been more attentive and kind while you were recovering from hip surgery. And she should have been.

But like I said, families hurt each other and there’s nothing unusual about that. So I beg you to forget ‘how to show them how much they hurt me’. Unless you want to make everything worse.

When you had your ‘special birthday’, two of your three adult children came with their families, the New Zealand contingent traveling all over the world to be with you. The Australian family couldn’t do that – probably for a very good reason. So I honestly think you should be happy with what you had, instead of resenting what you didn’t have.

This is the only way forward and answers your sensible question of how to repair relations in the future. Listen, you have to accept that your adult children have the right to organize the vacation they want.

Your ‘positive and cheerful’ tone is spot on; Even if you don’t feel it, don’t add to your own burdens (let alone theirs) by appearing to groan. Many readers will get angry at me for saying this, but I think my own role in the family is to keep quiet and keep quiet – because what is the alternative?

Please focus on enriching your own life, without depending on your descendants to do it for you.

I was abandoned by my best friend
Dear Bel,

I am devastated and confused after the loss of a twenty year friendship.

I met my boyfriend when I was twenty. She guided me through life’s challenges and I considered her a sister. She was married (a wonderful husband and two sons) and helped me through two failed relationships. She was my rock and supported me as my world fell apart.

After being single for a short time, I met a man ten years older than me. We both worked part-time at the same place, with my boyfriend doing occasional shifts.

It was a whirlwind romance and we quickly became involved. I wanted to introduce him to my best friend, but she kept putting things off. I felt she didn’t like him. He was retired from the military. He had never been married before and hadn’t had many relationships – he had a traumatic past.

Then there was a problem at work and I had to send an email to clarify something. I can’t give too much away, but my boyfriend basically abandoned me because of this email.

I needed clarification, but she thought I was screwing her by asking questions. It hurt me deeply that she could think such a thing. In fact, I was just discovering crucial information, I got the clarification back and everything was fine – or so I thought.

My friend remained angry that I had asked questions. She never wanted to meet my new guy and I felt like she just didn’t like him.

From that moment on I felt abandoned. I kept sending messages but she wasn’t interested and only gave short, curt replies. I soon got the message. Last year I married the guy in a small ceremony.

She wasn’t there when she should have been. I thought about her most of the day. I never got over this loss. I remain confused and disappointed. She never explained to me or sat me down and discussed what happened. Should I contact her again?

CAT

Bel Mooney replies: It seems that we are dealing with two separate issues here that need to be disentangled. I find it hard to understand why you can say with such confidence that your friend “didn’t like” the man she had never met.

Could it be that you told her all about his “traumatic past” and she worried that your relationship was doomed to turn out the way your last one did? Or that she knew something about him that you didn’t know, but didn’t want to tell you?

After all, she had a part-time connection to the same workplace and could therefore have heard something. Or maybe part of her was just jealous that you had embarked on a whirlwind romance and perhaps you were too preoccupied with it to have time for her. There had to be a reason.

The business email problem is clearly complicated, as such things often are. I understand why you couldn’t provide details, which is why I have to remain puzzled.

However, it seems clear that your friend felt betrayed by you – and I can only assume that the pain was so deep that she found it difficult to put her feelings into words.

Perhaps she felt that you were too distracted by your new love to fully consider the effect of your action on her. What do I know? But there are always reasons for a rift in human relationships, even if they are not expressed.

Just to be clear, I believe everything you wrote to me, but on the…

At the same time, I suspect this is not the full story.

So – what can you do? You say you messaged her many times, but her responses were “short” and that’s why you “got it quickly.”

But was it too early? Only you can know that, but in my opinion it is true

definitely worth contacting her again. Can you do that with great warmth, by asking for a personal conversation, to remember happy times from the past and try to find out what went wrong?

That’s how I would put it – and thereby encourage her to remember the length of your precious friendship.

I feel like you still believe that what happened was all her fault and that you are the injured party.

But to resolve an argument with a family member or friend, it’s essential to shift the mindset from aggrieved pain to acceptance that the fault usually lies on both sides.

Unless you can do that and demonstrate that essential awareness in the tone of reconnection, the situation will remain the same.