Dear Bel,
My family live in Wales and I live with my partner in London.
When my father passed away recently, my sister called to tell me. But three days later there was a family meeting and they decided I shouldn't attend the funeral.
That decision was made mainly by an aunt who had been leading a family feud for more than twenty years since my grandmother's death. But I was told that my half-sister didn't want me either.
There was silence until my partner texted my sister to ask when the funeral was. It was the next day.
I felt so hurt because I wanted to at least send flowers. My sister said I could have called the funeral directors (there are only two in their town) to find out when the funeral was.
But why didn't she call and tell me? I'm shocked that my sister – who I thought I was close to – would do something like that to me. I know that lies have been told about me and I feel that I have been treated very unfairly by the entire family.
For years my sister forbade me from talking to our mother. We still sent cards on birthdays and Christmas.
I wrote her with my phone number, but my sister also banned her from contacting me. My sister and I had been arguing and not speaking for six years before the pandemic, when we reconnected. But over the past three years we have had several arguments, mostly about our mother.
I have been with my partner for over 22 years. Both my uncles are homophobic, one is married to the aunt who excluded me from the funeral. When the other person (my mother's brother) found out I was homosexual, he forbade me to see my grandmother.
She told him, “David is still my grandson,” and we continued to talk on the phone every week until she died 20 years ago.
Since I wasn't allowed to see her while she was alive, I didn't go to her funeral – all because of the feud.
Any advice you can give to help with my family feud will be greatly appreciated.
DAVID
This week, British writer Bel Mooney advises a man on how to end his three-year family feud after he was banned from attending his own father's funeral.
When my father passed away recently, my sister called to tell me. But three days later there was a family meeting and they decided I shouldn't attend the funeral. How do I end my family feud? (Stock Image)
Readers should know that I found your original letter very muddled and it took several readings before I felt I could edit it into the version printed here.
I realize I may have misunderstood a few details, but honestly, this sad story of inexplicable family strife was both confusing and depressing.
I say “unexplained” because the homophobia felt by one or two members of the extended family does not explain the level of disgust that led to your exclusion from your father's funeral. You fail to explain why the 'feud' started in the first place.
In your dysfunctional family we have a homophobic uncle, an aunt and a half-sister who probably share these feelings, a mother who resigns herself to her daughter's ban on having contact with you, and a sister with the power to 'forbid' , who didn't. remember to tell you the date of the funeral so you can at least send a wreath.
There is also the grandmother who rejected prejudice and was not allowed to see you. This has all been going on for years.
You claim you thought you were 'close' to your sister, then say you hadn't spoken for six years before 2020 and have 'had a few arguments' since then.
Why the contradiction? What is the truth? Are they all targeting you just because you're gay? Have you done something else that everyone finds embarrassing?
Ask yourself if there are serious family disputes that are causing deep unhappiness (Stock Image)
What on earth is going on that this one family has to fight and forbid, argue and argue for years?
As I read your letter as the year draws to a close, I wonder how many readers will think, “That sounds a bit like our family.”
Will such people shrug off your suffering because it is the most normal thing in the world in family life?
Most families argue from time to time, and some people even thrive on passionate arguments. Tensions can make family Christmas celebrations very difficult and from time to time most of us will do or say something to upset a loved one.
But when that becomes embedded in a whole way of being, and contempt is never forgotten, and people unite against one victim (as in this story, as you tell it), then there is a real danger that the habit of poisoning the people can infect. younger relatives.
This is how it goes…
As we have reached the end of the year, when many people are thinking about the possibility of making a fresh start, I implore readers to read your story with compassion for you – and for their own families as well.
Please ask yourself if there are any outstanding family disputes that are causing deep unhappiness (often among the elderly), and if so, whether you really intend to walk into 2024 with the burden of discord weighing upon you. What's the point of all the poison?
We are all sailing fast towards death every second, remembering that an inevitable act is the best way to live. The fact that you mention two funerals in your email underlines my point.
What can you do? My first reaction was to suggest that the only option is to focus on life with your beloved partner and forget about your feuding family. Do you need them in your life?
Do we not continue to inflict wounds on ourselves by clinging to the idea that family life can be better when experience denies it? That's what a voice in my head says. But you seem to long for contact with the mother who doesn't call you, even though she has the number and could therefore call when your gatekeeper sister is out of the house.
So it's good to keep sending cards, and couldn't you write an old-fashioned letter every now and then telling your mother what you did?
A letter can be read over and over again and she might like that.
I would keep the channel open for her, but stop expecting politeness, let alone affection, from your sister – and try to forget about the rest of the bunch or you'll just continue to suffer.
And finally… Make the decision to make the best of life
It was a pleasure to receive your Christmas wishes and comments on the column; Thank you so much. I want to share this, from Christine.
'I would like to thank you very much for your timely words on grief and loss, published on Saturday (December 16).
'I lost my mother this year and I'm having trouble with Christmas. Because I don't have children of my own, I have always been 'the child' and it was a special time of year for us with many rituals and traditions.
'This Christmas is so different and I'm sad and missing mum so much. I didn't believe I could handle any aspect of Christmas, let alone decorating a tree.
“But I read what you said about your sadness and your tree, and then I cried all afternoon.
'I also decided to put up my tree and on Sunday afternoon I decorated it with my decorations and my mother's, thinking about her.
'I'm glad I did it and it made me feel a lot better. I know Mom would be shocked if she had known I had thought about hiding in sadness and ignoring Christmas altogether.
'Thanks to you, that won't be the case anymore. It will be quiet, but I will try to focus on all the good memories and laughter.”
It moves me to know that when I share deeply personal thoughts and feelings here, they can have such an effect.
In this quiet, contemplative time between Christmas and New Year, I often wonder what I can do to make life better, for myself and for others.
Making resolutions that I have no intention of keeping is not the way forward! But isn't there a lesson of hope for us all in Christine's courageous email? It's that one word 'resolved'.
This wasn't a passing New Year's resolution, this was a determination to keep going despite pain and loss – and to hold on to habit, memory and love.
May you all be so blessed, this new year.