BEL MOONEY: How can I grow closer to my son after so much pain?

Dear Customer,

I need advice regarding my son, Jamie, who is now 29 years old. His mother and I broke up in 1996, we tried to get back together, but it didn’t work out.

Then he said he didn’t want me to see him anymore. We ended up in family court.

She met a horrible individual, only 17 years old, who moved away and after that things got worse. It was at the beginning of the judicial process.

My son stayed with me on weekends but accused me of inappropriate behavior on a visit. Innocent, I was only able to see my son in a contact center. It was really horrible.

I was interviewed by the police (no action was taken) and often thought about suicide.

To make a long story short, I was given parental responsibility with equal voice in their education and access to school reports; Also longer and rotating Christmases.

Immediately after this hearing, the woman who had made such vile accusations asked me to keep our child for 10 days while she and her boyfriend went to Malta. Of course I said yes.

Soon it started to get hard again and it got to the point where I thought, ‘I can’t go through this anymore.’

As I told her that she couldn’t have him to stay for a certain weekend (he had to work), she said that she couldn’t see him anymore.

His accusations and everything else came crashing down on me. He was too exhausted to fight. Then he found out that he had already moved to another city. No Address Jamie was six years old.

I started dating someone else and eventually moved in with my partner and their two children.

We married; their children call me dad because they didn’t see their father. We’ve been together 25 years, with two daughters of our own.

The next time I saw my son was after 12 years, when he was 18. We met in a pub; It was emotional and I apologized for not being there for him.

He asked me what had happened, I told him what I could. She said that she would like to be in a relationship, but she changed her mind a month later.

Last December I found out (via Facebook) that Jamie had moved to Australia and I sent him a message. She said that she would like to get to know us all.

He sent photos and seemed like he liked having other family members to meet. He doesn’t call me dad, but my first name. My wife says, ‘He’ll call you daddy when he’s ready.’

It must have been hard for him not to see me and then find out that I have stepsons. When I message him, I try to be normal, but recently he hasn’t responded for about two weeks.

Going from not seeing each other to exchanging messages and images is a miracle in itself. What I can do? Is there a book that will help me get to know my child again?

HUGO

I have two letters this week that shed a cold light on the ‘same’ story and I’m sure I would advise Maureen’s son-in-law (in my next letter) to try much, much harder to keep their marriage together, or else. he could end up like you.

Which is to say, full of guilt and regret and a desperate wish (no doubt) that time could be revived, to offer a second chance to make things right.

Like so many others, your marriage fell apart and you found yourself at the mercy of an angry and vengeful wife. There will be women reading who will protest that I don’t know the whole story, just your version. Well, of course!

But if the court decided in his favor and restored full contact, then he must have been judged worthy of that access, and I refuse to buy the narrative that sees all men in doubt.

I’ve heard enough of the Families Need Fathers lobby group to know that women can be cruel, too.

In many situations like yours, the blame can be split fairly evenly between the couple.

The blame falls first on an angry wife who wants to punish by blocking all access, and second, on a husband who simply did not want (ital) strongly enough (ital) to continue the fight for his right to be a father.

Honestly, given your long story (which I had to cut) I can understand why you lost your heart to continue. But the fact is that you gave up. You probably realize that your child’s pain is unlikely to heal.

He is one of many. The structure of family life in the UK has changed dramatically in the last forty or fifty years and now one in ten parents do not live with their children. Only 49% say that their contact is regular and 13% never see their children. What effect does all this have on children? I think we know.

At least in your case, you have reconnected with a son who is now willing to keep in touch. It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t respond right away; for him to respond at all is something to celebrate. And surely it doesn’t matter if he never calls you dad. Some families choose to use first names because they find it cool and trendy.

What matters is keeping the channels open, showing interest in all aspects of his life. I wouldn’t go on apologizing for all the wrongs done to him, but I look forward to it.

You can read Reconnecting with Your Separated Adult Child: Practical Tips and Tools for Healing Your Relationship by Tina Gilbertson. It may help you to realize that you are not alone in this sad situation or in the sincere desire to make things better.

D.bel ear,

I would like advice on how to support my daughter and help resolve issues between her and my son-in-law.

They only got married in April 2018, even though they had lived together for over a year. He is a workaholic, travels a lot, works long hours.

This has turned out to be a major problem, causing them to break up. My daughter felt that she was being a single parent to her two children, one and three.

Now they feel nothing but hate and anger for each other and despite counseling and mediation they are unable to come to any agreement on childcare. The next step is the court.

My daughter doesn’t want my advice and he is just as stubborn in making concessions.

I feel so helpless and I don’t see how they can’t come to an agreement that works for both of them.

Both refuse to speak in person. Because they both exaggerate so you can’t trust either.

My daughter would be upset if she knew I was asking her for help, I live a long way away but visit every few weeks and would really appreciate your input.

MAUREEN

This short letter makes me feel helpless (not uncommon these days when I see some of the madness in society) because I have to be honest: there is nothing I can say.

Instead of doling out useless advice, I would sit down and cry with you about the damage that two people who once loved each other are inflicting on themselves and their innocent children.

Across the country (and elsewhere) children are deprived of the kind of stable family life that would help them thrive, not because of problems beyond human control, but because the perfectly sane and normal adults who conceived them, and who they should put them first – they are too stubborn, selfish and uncompromising to even try.

It is possible to tolerate a workaholic if he (or she) is willing to compromise and think about your needs. Trust me, I know exactly what it feels like when that doesn’t happen, but it’s still well within the bounds of a rational adult being able to stand their ground and realize that the toddler stage doesn’t last very long.

And that you (ital) owe (ital) those children sacrifices, because they did not ask to be born.

Yes, it can be difficult, but so is much of life. I’m not being mean to her daughter, because feeling like she’s a single mom because the other half of her isn’t doing her best is lonely, as well as infuriating. I know because I’ve been there.

However, I share your obvious frustration with this warring couple and your sadness about what is happening.

You say your daughter doesn’t want advice from you, and she certainly wouldn’t want it from me. Even though she sounds like she needs it.

She might well be ‘upset’ that you asked for help, but she should see this as proof of your love. It should make her stop and think. You should look up that hopelessly sad 1979 movie ‘Kramer vs. Kramer (starring Dustin Hoffman and Meryl Streep) and watch it, think hard, and then give the DVD to her husband.

Regardless, no matter what, she will need your constant support in the months and years to come. You will only be able to give it if you remain as neutral as possible and do not vainly try to interfere.

I am afraid it is beyond your power to work a miracle and ‘help solve’ the problems that have led to this bitter impasse. And if counseling and mediation have not worked and they hate each other, what can I say?

It’s just a bitter truth that anxious, loving mothers like you and me must accept: that we can’t do anything to help when our adult children are bent on ruining their own lives.

I feel so sorry for them and for you, and I just hope that you have supportive friends, that you take care of yourself, and that there is a future where you can have good times with those grandchildren.

And finally…

You will notice two familiar letters this week, although I prefer to cover different topics. However, each story is unique, and in any case, family issues form a large part of my post.

This week they both made me feel quite sad and helpless, due to a strong sense of damage already inflicted that will reverberate through the years. What can be done when people are intransigent?

Fifty-five years ago, on February 23, 1968, I married my new boyfriend at the Kensington Register Office, just down the road from our rented one-bedroom apartment. It was a wet day; afterward, our two families returned to eat the simple buffet my mother-in-law had provided and drink wine presented by my older brother-in-law.

My husband of 23 years and I were sophomores, money was tight, so our honeymoon was for five days in his family’s simple little house by a river in cold Devon.

I thought about it with a smile two days ago, and I remember the date every year. But I’d bet a lot of money it never crosses his mind! Men and women are very different… And in any case, this July it’s been twenty years since we last lived together.

We both got married for the second time, we lead a full life and, fortunately, we maintain a deep respect and affection for each other. But wait, is it really a matter of ‘luck’?

Actually, I don’t think so. Some people think that it’s impossible to work on a marriage (or a long-term relationship) once things go really bad, but I disagree.

Why do couples find it so hard to commit? Saying, ‘I really think you’re wrong, I actually hate this situation, but for God’s sake, let’s work together to save something.

When people think that it is not possible to work towards forgiveness, I tell them that they are wrong. I know because I did it.

We now reap the benefit of a friendship (yes, that vital word) that has lasted for more than half a century. It’s not easy, but it can be done.