Becoming deaf makes me feel insecure. How can I get my self-confidence back? | Ask Annalisa Barbieri

I recently became deaf as a result of meningitis. I have the cochlear implant and am doing therapy to hear well again. I was already very shy and insecure, and although I have managed to move on with my life, I now feel even more insecure and a little ashamed of my condition. I am constantly asking people to repeat themselves or write down what they said so I can understand. How can I become more confident about this new aspect of my life?

I’m not going to offer platitudes like “you have nothing to be ashamed of,” because even if you don’t, if I told you otherwise, your emotions would just be very dismissive. People often don’t want to let you explore these kinds of feelings because they think it could be painful for you. But only by diving deeply into them can you begin to process them at all, which is essential to minimize trauma as best as possible.

Because what you have experienced – being seriously ill and hearing loss – is traumatic. I hope I can help you access support so you can enter your new life with growing confidence and peace. It will take time, but you will get there.

I wasn’t sure where you live, but I went to the Royal National Institute for the Deafwhich supports people in the UK who are deaf, have hearing loss or tinnitus. I spoke to one of their local advisors, Michael Mulvenna, who is a… cochlear implant since 2011. Michael said he was very nervous when he got his implant, and wasn’t sure if he would feel better or worse. He was wondering if you could meet someone who has made this journey and who could provide you with specialized “I’ve been there‘ help – which, honestly, people who haven’t done that can’t do with the same authority.

Michael also suggested that it might be helpful to contact one meningitis organization for support.

It can be very disturbing when a life-changing event happens to you. You are still you, but you may need to redefine yourself. It will also take time for the people around you to adjust. Don’t be afraid to tell them what you want and need, although I know this can be difficult at first as you may not want to acknowledge it yourself. Not everyone will get it and that’s up to them.

When something like this happens, we need to recognize what has been lost. As psychologist and psychoanalyst Dr. Stephen Blumenthal has said, loss can be the most difficult emotion for people to cope with: “Loss confronts us with a fork in the road, where there is a path that confronts us with the need to grieving means coming to terms with the loss and challenging ourselves to confront the ways we may have coped in the past. Your journey involves accommodating this new thing in your life. Of course, it is disturbing to ask people to repeat themselves or write down what they have said. When we feel a little nervous about doing something, we often turn away and avoid it. In fact, it is a sign that we need to recognize the feeling, be present and allow it.”

He continues: “We have to treat ourselves with compassion because we experience it, and then see if we can move towards it. Allowing yourself to inhabit that place of discomfort, where you may feel ashamed, often results in the discomfort melting away.”

Self-confidence comes from doing the same thing over and over again. And please remember that it all takes time. Talk to yourself with great kindness.

Each week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal issue submitted by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets that she cannot conduct personal correspondence. Our general terms and conditions apply to entries.

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