Becoming a surrogate: NZ Mum shares the misconceptions and questions asked

Lacey Owen appreciates that some women just aren’t cut out to be surrogate mothers and can’t imagine giving up a baby they’ve had for nine months.

But for Lacey, a 36-year-old mother of three, the joy of being able to give the gift of parenthood outweighs the heartbreak of giving away the baby, and she learned that the hard way.

Her first pregnancy in 2011 resulted in a miscarriage and she knew the fear of never being a mother.

But after giving birth three times, she remembered the vow she made when she lost her first child.

If I ever get the chance to become a mother, I’ll pay it back, Lacey had promised herself and her husband Nick.

So when a gay friend and his partner approached her about surrogating their son, she was delighted to say yes.

Lacey told FEMAIL about the challenges she’s faced, including ones she never expected, misconceptions about surrogacy, and what every woman should know before taking that step.

“When we found out we were done with our family, my friend Arrun Soma texted me out of the blue about his surrogacy plans – it was quite haphazard and perfectly timed,” he recalled.

Lacey sent him a text saying, “I’d love to be your surrogate if I qualify” and Arrun was completely ecstatic about the decision that changed his life.

Lacey, Arrun and their partner Jake Vollebregt have known each other for 10 years and Lacey felt comfortable helping them have a child of their own.

‘I’ve always been a very motherly person and loved babies; I loved being pregnant and giving birth, there were never any problems,” she said.

What followed was ongoing research, testing, meetings with attorneys, couples and group therapy, and ongoing emotions.

Lacey, Arrun and Jake received group counselling, as did Lacey and Nick, to discuss surrogacy and “what if” scenarios.

“During counseling we discussed questions to make sure we were all on the same page,” he said.

‘They asked us all these what-if scenarios, like ‘what if we found out the baby had down syndrome or another chromosome abnormality, would you be happy to terminate the pregnancy?’, ‘what if I found out I had cancer six months ago? in?” “And if Jake and Arrun were to die in a car accident, who would take care of the baby?” Lacey said.

From there they had to see a lawyer as in Australia and New Zealand it is illegal for surrogate mothers to be paid or received gifts, then the adoption process was discussed.

Under New Zealand law, Lacey was listed on the baby’s birth certificate as the ‘biological mother’ with Nick as the ‘biological father’ simply because they are married.

The surrogacy also needed to be reviewed by the Assisted Reproductive Technology Ethics Committee in New Zealand.

“Another thing that struck me the most is that my husband had to sign the approval that he could give me an embryo transfer, even though it was my body. This was done simply because we are married,” Lacey said.

From there, Lacey got pregnant in the second round of IVF, but unfortunately five weeks later she miscarried.

“I felt so broken for them, I felt quite guilty, but there was nothing I could do,” she said, adding: “It was very difficult to tell Jake and Arrun the terrible news.”

A few months passed, then Lacey had a third and final round of IVF and was filled with fear of losing the embryo.

Four days later, Lacey took a home pregnancy test that came back positive, then a blood test confirmed she was pregnant.

“It was wonderful to see her heartbeat during the ultrasound, and we all burst into tears,” she said.

As with her previous pregnancies with her own children, Lacey did not experience any problems or difficulties, nor did she experience morning sickness.

He kept in touch with Jake and Arrun on a regular basis who lived 10 hours away which was difficult during covid.

During the pregnancy she lived a ‘normal lifestyle’ as much as she could, did not change her diet and eats healthy.

Nick also found it amusing to tell others “my wife is pregnant with another man’s baby”.

Lacey said the biggest misconception about surrogacy is that the woman will change her mind and want to keep the baby.

“There are a lot of people out there who just can’t get over the fact that you could have a baby and just not want it, so maybe some women can become surrogates and others can’t,” she said.

“I went into the pregnancy knowing that the baby was not mine, and even when it was born, it looked nothing like my baby.

“Helping someone else have children who desperately want them has been just amazing.”

At 39 weeks, Lacey gave birth to little baby boy Niko in November of last year.

At first I wasn’t crying, but 36 hours later when the hormones kicked in I couldn’t stop crying.

Lacey took medication in an attempt to stop the production of breast milk, although this “didn’t work”.

A week after the birth, Lacey, Arrun and Jake spent every day together with Niko for a week.

“It sounds cliché, but it was a total roller coaster of emotions because my body and my head wanted a baby, but I didn’t,” she said.

‘A few months later I started to feel like myself again.’

Today, Lacey meets up with Arrun, Jake, and Niko from time to time and is known as Aunt Lacey.