Here’s why you’re bad with money. Psychotherapist VICKY REYNAL reveals the reasons you just can’t tackle your finances… and what to do about it

I’m a procrastinator when it comes to handling my finances.

I just can’t bring myself to do the things normal adults do, like moving my money from one account to another with better interest rates or working out the rules of an Isa.

Sometimes even checking my credit card or dealing with my bank feels difficult and I put it off. What can I do to change this?

CG via email

Vicky Reynal replies: It’s so frustrating when we know what is the best thing to do in a situation, but we just can’t bring ourselves to make it happen.

You’re not the only person who avoids paying attention to your finances, but to break this pattern there are three steps that can help.

First, explore the psychological reasons that make this a dreaded task. Second, recognize the true costs of your avoidance, and third, create strategies to better manage the feelings at the source of the avoidance and to make the task more enjoyable and manageable.

The first is the most difficult. I think many people fail to make changes because they have not successfully identified and processed some of the feelings that underlie the avoidance.

Many might say, “it’s boring dealing with your couch” or “it’s just a chore that never feels as urgent as other things life throws at me.”

But if that were the only problem, I don’t think there would be as much resistance to it. Usually there is more going on.

You may find that dealing with money fills you with anxiety. You may be concerned that approaching the ‘Understand an Isa’ question will leave you feeling confused, overwhelmed and embarrassed because you don’t understand it. On some level, it can reconnect you with memories of feelings of frustration and inadequacy while doing math homework, such as when problems felt just as daunting.

You see, these types of memories – especially if instead of a supportive teacher or parent you had critical memories – can make you afraid to talk about finances or worried that the person on the other end of the phone at the bank will judge you . or make you feel like that “little girl” from the past who doesn’t understand and is too ashamed to ask.

Or perhaps dealing with your finances can be linked to the memory of a parent who became very anxious when opening envelopes with bills: so you learned to associate managing your finances with something worrying, which carries with it the possibility of bad news. brought along. This can be the case even if the adult part of you knows you won’t find anything surprising on your bank statement.

Or maybe your parents had an argument about finances and that too has made you feel like it’s a topic to avoid because it’s “messy.”

You need to ask yourself: What feeling am I avoiding by not looking at my financial to-do list?

What can I imagine it will feel like when I do this? Try to connect the emotions with memories.

I’ve seen people whose parents were “bad” with money become avoidant because they worry that they don’t have “what it takes” to manage well, and fear finding out that they are, in fact, just as chaotic/irresponsible/incompetent as their parents.

To discover that we carry such beliefs beneath the surface and that they are at the root of what makes it difficult to approach a financial ‘to do list’, it is crucial to change them. We need to know which fears need to be controlled to have a chance of overcoming them.

Recognizing the costs of your strategy (i.e. avoidance) is also important.

Avoidance isn’t good for you financially because you risk incurring costs, letting mistakes go unnoticed, missing out on better interest rates or tax-free savings, etc. It’s also not good for you emotionally.

While you may avoid all the feelings associated with taking care of your finances, you will need to manage new negative feelings, such as the fear of “not knowing” what is happening in your account and the guilt you carry for know you should. more on top. And of course, if you’re afraid you’ll mess up as a parent, avoidance will only result in a self-fulfilling prophecy.

To break the pattern, try having an internal dialogue about the fears you’ve uncovered: are they realistic?

Can the feelings be managed in another way? If you’re worried you won’t understand, instead of retreating, could you have a notepad next to you to write down the terms you want to learn more about and understand better?

If you’re worried about facing a task that feels too complex, can you break it down into small steps and tackle them one at a time or one per day? Sometimes reminding ourselves that we are now adults and have the opportunity to handle situations differently than we did as children, or even differently than how our parents handled them, can provide enough motivation to break a pattern.

Do you have a question for Vicky? Email vicky.reynal@dailymail.co.uk